Self Harm, Killing Feelings Of Needing Support From Anyone

[Chava]

I'm too tired to care about analyzing anything much. But basically, it's been a shitty couple weeks, like as close as I could probably get to a total nervous breakdown (felt I'd end up in the hospital if things didn't turn around soon because I was so beyond stressed and my body felt like it was just crumbling). Anyway, what was also horrible was having to ask for support or share with just a couple people. It was probably helpful, but also really painful. I also don't know how to just say "help" anyway. I try to hint at how horrible I feel, hoping maybe someone can help or that I won't feel so alone with it, but also feel like I'm burdening anyone I reach out to. I also quit and unquit therapy last week.

I isolate myself, which I do try to move beyond, but without like a spouse, significant other, or even best friend, I forever relive feelings of being left to fend for myself in crisis. Too many f*king crisises and I don't expect any of my friends to want to hear about any of it, so I don't talk to them. Their crisis moments revolve around spilling coffee on their computers and I really think my problems would just freak them out...and I do want to protect the few connections I have, even if they aren't very strong. So I avoid my friends, but am willing to call an old friend who knows my history a little more. Today I'm just exhausted, sort of coming down from the stress, but feel like burning my arms (which is an improvement from imagining setting myself on fire). I'm fighting by myself, for myself, and that fight gets directed back at me. I know it's messed up, but it's something like that. Also, nothing is actually very painful...or seems like I can tolerate it...if I can burn my own body. It makes me feel self-sufficient and powerful in a screwed up, last ditch sort of way. I don't think this fully explains all self-injury urges in me, but those were sort of the feelings I had when I started (began as a kid by bashing my shins with rocks).

Anyway, I don't want more scars on my arms and am most likely not going to do any burning but take a nap because I'm just nodding out. I feel really stuck and uncreative, isolated and yet not trusting of anyone...sort of in over-protective and yet slightly self-destructive way because I also don't know where to direct my frustrations or my hidden vortex of anger. Okay, nap. Not sure why I'm posting but thanks for the space.

 

[Suzetig]

Well done posting at all, your pain is so evident in all you've said. I'm not sure I have any wise words for you but wanted you to know someone has read what you've written, heard your pain and is thinking of you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Chava just keep coming. You do a great job describing your inner struggle. Participating with awareness is a huge step to make. Sweet dreams. Thinking of you. Wish you peace.

 

[passerine]

I'm glad you "unquit" therapy last week. Are you going back this week? I hope so.

I can relate to a lot of what you've written. I also struggle with self-harm and being totally and completely isolated. It's hard. One thing I thought of reading your post, though, was the possibility of a support group of some kind, where you (and myself) could connect with people in a meaningful and safe way. What do you think?

I'm also glad to hear that you're opting to nap instead of self-harming. That seems like a step in the right direction. I hope you rest well and wake up feeling a bit better.

Hang in there!

 

[Chava]

@KwanYingirl , thanks, I think some awareness is all I have going for me lately, versus diving blindly into self-destruction. Feels like my old resources or coping things don't work, or don't make sense, but I don't feel comfortable with new ones (or don't have enough of them or don't even know what the hell they are). It's a yucky limbo.

@passerine thanks...I do meet up with a 12 step group and always feel better going there. I've physically isolated myself, so even getting to the meeting is sort of a drag of getting back into town. But it is helpful. I don't feel like drinking, but know I need that group. But I don't even feel okay calling those people even though I've known them for years. Realizing I've always had this sort of bubble around me I can't get rid of...I think I've had moments where it's been like a thinner bubble and honestly it's too painful. I need my isolation, but it does help to at least be around others and connect to the extent I feel safe. Just not safe in crisis and it's like that's all I care about. I don't need friends for tea when I'm always worried nobody will be there when things get really bad. This is deep shit I'm starting to recognize. I'm stuck at the level of survival needs, not relationships.

Anyway, not burning myself today.

 

[passerine]

Well, I'm glad you have a 12 step group you can go to, even if you don't feel you can reach out to those people outside of the group at this time. At least you know they are there, and maybe in time you will decide that it's safe to connect with one of them. I totally hear you. I have a pretty thick bubble around me, which prevents me from doing a lot of things that I know will probably help in some way...it's just too painful. I'm focused on basic survival needs (I feel like I'm just surviving as opposed to really living) and don't have the energy for relationships, let alone the trust that is required to build them.

Hard stuff. But again, it seems you're taking a step in the right direction by not self-harming today. And I know that's not a little step.

 

[Hope4Now]

In 12-step programs they say "One day at a time..." I think for us it's one minute at a time, or even one second at a time. My thoughts and best wishes and good energy are with you, Chava.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Chava - I feel for you. I just want to let you know I read your post. I am glad you didn't burn yourself. It is hard. Take it moment by moment and do what you need to do even if that is nap all day and sleep all night.

 

[Chava]

Burnt my wrist a little, superficially. Only I can really f*ck with me. It's powerful (and yet, not recommended!) Focus away from burning or pain elsewhere. Also, I'm a little high on ambien. I just need for this week to not be stressful, no impossible demands made on my schedule. Just let me teach!!!! How can I rise up from all of my ashes if I don't even have wings...stuck with wreckage, ashes...I'm hiding in my garage. NO maxing out my stress capacities this week....feels like I took a shitty preemptive action towards that wish...feels better (but also the sleeping pills are working.....goodnight)

 

[greenleaf]

Hi @Chava, I'm glad you didn't burn yourself. Very good work. I am guessing that your "old" approaches don't work quite the same because your new coping methods are working better and better, and a deep part of you can tell -- so it's slowly and carefully letting you switch. Have you tried saying things out loud to yourself, simple things like "I'm going to do this healing work slowly and safely, and take care of myself"? Then pay attention to how you feel, quietly. Saying things out loud, weird as it is, seems to help me take in my own thoughts better when there are these (dissociated?) parts involved... Guess I won't do that at work. :wacky:

I struggle with isolation on the level of the ptsd-related stuff pretty often. I can be interacting fine with people on one level, my functional "normal" level. but it's kind of like I'm multitasking -- another part of me can be feeling very isolated and has other similarities to what you describe. Sometimes it's very hard for me to put into words the older feelings.

It seems to me that some "normal" people get emotional support from each other pretty often and have good reciprocal relationships that include this stuff, and others don't much at all. Having ptsd does have things in common with loads of other experiences... feeling different; feeling overwhelmed; having physical pain, having extreme emotional pain. Lots of people get support for those problems from their friends. I think some of us with childhood trauma never learned how to do this for deep emotional things because the adults around us were really lousy with emotions (otherwise maybe they'd have protected us, one would think???)

So, maybe we can learn some of these types of helpful skills by working at observing people who are good at giving and receiving support? I am thinking that it takes skills on both ends. That means we can get better at it. (Figuring out who to trust with what is a whole lifelong process too... must be threads on that...)

I'm currently working on how to ask for bits of help that feel like they will help this old trauma stuff in some small way, from a few people who I can't really tell the whole story to, but who are friends and who I trust reasonably well. It has worked a few times now and feels helpful in terms of un-isolating that older level of feelings and thoughts. :bag:

I am very glad you're going back to your T though, you shouldn't need to censor yourself there.

 

[Chava]

Trigger warning? (bad coping)

On top of everything going on I think I need to let go of the stress of trying to count on others or feel like other people are somehow in the mix of coping skills. That's still beyond my level of comfort, and with feeling really crazy, the challenge of trying to reach out was actually too much also. Feels SAFER if I know I can keep all the bad feelings and intensity of the worst moments to myself and know I can take care of myself. That seems to involve little burns (not even creating blisters, but more like something that could be passed off as "oil spatter" from cooking if anyone asked, though I keep this stuff hidden). It's not "normal" or healthy, but I actually feel safer. Everything has been too much.

I hope I'm still on the road to better stress coping eventually but there's just been too much stress. A colleague did also note that I was "rambling" when I was trying to make a few different points too quickly. I can't tolerate feedback like that either right now. I want to stay away from everyone, not ask for any help, not let anyone know how stressed I am, put the "I'm fine" front back up full force, focus on my work, and take care of myself (in whatever f*cked up way) when it feels like I can't...I always have...I'm not so good at it, but I've survived a lot all by myself. So not sure what my awareness is doing for me, but helpful I can write, post, and at least admit that I'm not okay, even if that's what I am presenting to the rest of the world. I don't trust people right now and the extra stress of trying is not worth it. Too much.

I feel really detached. If my awareness is doing anything for me, it's that I sort of recognize this and have no desire to fix it...I'm really trying to just survive. Sorry if that sounds dramatic. It feels true, I just can't tell anyone.

 

[greenleaf]

Hi @Chava, I will be thinking of you! You are very capable. You are working to put yourself in a better place with coping skills, which is great, and you are looking at more things now, and minimizing the self-harming. I hope you can practice some non-self-harming ways of feeling safer more when things are less stressful. You can get better at them!