Self-hate

[ms spock]

Thanks BloomInWinter. Hanging in here.

 

[Abstract]

I hate myself.

 

[JustBe]

(((Abstract))) :(

 

[ms spock]

((hugs Abstract))

 

[ms spock]

It is so hard to manage the self hatred. I am really finding that at the moment.

 

[JustBe]

My T wants me to have compassion for my younger self so that I can forgive myself but I get stuck in the "I should have done..." loop.:banghead:

 

[maddog]

The *only* good, or even faintly tolerable, thing about self-hate is that all of us here can relate to it, and understand it, and so we can support each other without judgment, and counter each other's self-hate with the gentlest, but most insistent, challenge.

My own self-hate is rapidly cycling along with my depression right now, and the two of them together, as they seem to be particularly of late, are scary and debilitating. My old weapon of exercise has abandoned me, and I'm feeling the yawning black hole of vulnerability in its absence. There doesn't seem to be anything else to take its place to help me fight the self-hatred.

I am beginning to feel resentful and resistant to the concept, or even the words, of self-compassion, because I've been trying - perhaps too hard - to do work on this lately. Compassion seems like a ridiculously strong word. Maybe I have to start with self-tolerance first. I don't know.

Maddog

 

[JustBe]

I agree MD. My T asks me to forgive my younger self in order to move on, but I'm barely hanging on to tolerating and "living" with myself in the present.:confused:

 

[nimkekaa]

"I should have done..." loop.

That is so where I am at also.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Maybe I have to start with self-tolerance first.

This sounds like a great place to start. That's how I sometimes pull out of the depression/self-hate cycle.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks so much MovinOn and Ms Spock. Same back to you x 2 . So tired of how relentless it is. It's exhausting.

MovinOn, the should have done it loop is a death sentence. :(

MD, the only thing that has had any impact at all is acceptance and tolerance as thinking of happiness or compassion often just makes me feel more hopeless and then even more self hating in response.

And yes, at least we have company in our lovely dark corners... It helps hugely.

 

[shell]

Self hate would have to be one of my biggest issues, and when I am triggered by something that feels threatening or rejecting I am triggered into a continuous cycle of self destruction.

My last episode when I was triggered while visiting the USA by someone touching himself inappropriately on public transport while standing next to my head, was so self destructive I probably should have been hospitalized. It kept building up, and continued for weeks, until I was planning to do something really stupid.

When I was journalling I realized that all the horrible things I say to myself are my mothers. When I wrote them down, word for word they were all the things she said to me, over and over I would torment myself to the point that I wanted to die and tried to make it happen.

I have become my own abuser, my mother trained me well, so I could take over when she wasn't around to get me anymore. Seriously that woman is in my head, she is just in a different form, the abuser I have been permanently dragging around, she even sounds like her.

Now I tell myself when I get that stuck in that loop, shut the hell up, I'm not listening, actually listening to the hate made me realize these are not my words, they are hers.

It put it in perspective and now I have been able to return to a calmer state of mind, and distance myself from the words of hate, my self hate was just another form of her hatred of me. Somehow it doesn't have the same impact when I can detach myself from it, I just hope that I can catch it early enough next time to not get caught up in that cycle.