Self-Hatred/Self-Love

[JohnnyM53]

There was little to no love in that house of ours. No hugs. No good night stories. No touching. No positive re-enforcements. No nurturing.

It was always negative, mean or violent. They said I was stupid; a worthless piece of s**t; would never accomplish much of anything; or how I was going to be just like my father. And he was going to make a man out of my brother and I.

I was, and was often told as a child was that I was a pack of nerves. Yes. I was. Traumas that I experienced (one I remember fully) at age 2, deeply affected my brain development, nervous systems, and God knows what else.

I think I had worms too. You see, I‘d wake up hungry in the morning and I knew that if I made any noise and wake them up, I could get in trouble. So I’d often tiptoe to the fridge and eat the only thing I could find – plain bread or raw bacon.

I was failing school, often bullied or mocked at by friends, and I lived in fear most of the time. It was awful to live like that as a young child.

I figure I lived about 80% of my life secretly hating myself.

And so I came to understand that I did so because I wasn’t or couldn’t be who I wanted to be and so I blamed my being abused as a child for all of it.

Instead of realizing or being taught as most people do/are that every flaw, every shortcoming I had was normal, I ended up self-sabotaging and self hating for years.

In the final analysis, what I learned is that I believed that no one could ever love me. How could they when I didn’t even love myself.

I couldn’t believe or understand how someone could say they loved me, and explained it away as “if they only knew the real me” and how I secretly despise myself.

The self hatred, the self loathing – it’s all over now.

While I may have not had a super fun life and had to avoid more social settings than I can remember because they triggered me too much, today I love being with people. Today I love who I am and who I have become, instead of hating who I could have been had I not gone through the abuse.

I am proud of what I did with my life. I never gave up trying and the decades of suffering and 25 years of hard work finally paid off.

I won’t be sad on the day I die. I’ll be proud knowing I walked side by side with people like you who are reading this, knowing we did our best to overcome tremendous odds.

Today, I love me and feel lovable. Not perfect. But lovable.

And now I am ready to be with someone who can learn to love me for who I am, for who I became.

I can feel her. She is near. And I need her so badly. I need her to understand why I was the way I was. It wasn’t my fault. I tried. I did the best I could with what I was dealt with.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Johnny,

You should be extremely proud for who you are and how you have become. Especially from what I know of you here, to be such a warm, kind, intelligent, funny and caring person- not a person consumed by rage, or bitterness, or despair (which no one would blame you for). Obviously as well, you have courage and tenacity to burn or you wouldn't have overcome what you have. It has undoubtedly made you more brave, compassionate and wise. You did a remarkable job with what you had to work with, suffer, try to bear and understand.

I think (know) that whomever is "meant" for you out there will be very lucky and blessed to have you in their life, but don't worry: they won't have to "understand" it was not your fault (EVERYONE of course DOES understand that, they will too, though it is important to "hear"), but it will be simply you they love, "as is", and that includes all that's made you "you".

Thank you for being so honest.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Frankie]

Hi J,

You have come a long way, what a journey it has been for you :smile:

Reading this, I feel the sadness and hurt in the little boy you were, but also feel the strength and courage that has made you the man you are.

You have come to love the person you are and that is the first step in being able to love others. We truly do have to love ourselves and be happy with ourselves, flaws and all :thumbs-up to be able to freely love others.

You also have come to learn that what happened to you as a child wasn't your fault.....and it WASN'T :smile:...children should be loved, cared for, protected....how can it have been your fault ?

Children should grow up with the tools to be a healthy, happy person, you didn't have these tools....through trial and error...through a better understanding of yourself, your journey was a harder and longer one....but you have made it Johnnny !

You will find that special someone Johnny, since you now have so much to offer, and in that, I mean: You, the loving, compassionate, funny man you have become !

Be proud and walk with your head up, you deserve it !

Frankie :Hug_emoticon:

 

[bonnecanyon]

Hi Johnny

Thank you for sharing that very personal and moving post. It touched my heart - as I can relate to it so much.

I am learning (in therapy) how to deal with the childhood events that devastated me and how those events affected the relationships I had as a young adult. I now know that my needs and wants are valid and that I don't have to accept less for myself.

You are a wonderful part of this community - I'm proud to call you my friend.

Hugs :Hug_emoticon:
BC

 

[JohnnyM53]

Thanks all for your heart warming comments.

I think I wrote that post because I had a blind date last night, and as usual, some of my past came up. Although I can tell I'm not interested in the lady, I sensed that feeling of, not being judged, but looked upon like I was a person with problems one should stay away from.

And I think it discouraged me thinking "they'll all run away once they know my history". Leaves me feeling sad that although I like who I am, I still feel judged for my past behavior instead of my triumphs.

Sure, intellectually, I tell myself that if they can't handle my past, they aren't for me, but there's that little voice inside of me that feels rejected for reasons I had little to do with.

Makes me hate the whole dating thing and I have another date tonight and a few more later this week. Sort of just meeting once for coffee to get to see if there's chemistry with one of them, ya know.

I'm ok by myself, but when I think of meeting someone, I imagine is their reaction once they find out the bad parts of my journey, and that that will scare them away.

I hate this whole dating thing.

 

[Frankie]

Hi J,

First of all, I hate the dating scene too :) Ok, got that out of the way lol....and J good for you....several dates lined up already lol

Ok, J....first of all be yourself, go easy, don't judge yourself, give yourself a chance. Just enjoy the date for what it is...if there is chemistry you will see the woman again, and who knows where that might lead ?...if not, it will have been a few good hours spent with a nice lady...if not a few good hours....well, chuck that one to experience lol

Your past is part of who you are but it is your present that is important, the man you are today. And there is nothing that says you have to tell her everything about you the first time you see her....see if there is chemistry, some kind of connection.

Sure rejection hurts, and we might be rejected a few times before we meet that "special someone" but that is part of the journey.

If "she" can't handle what you have to say, then you know what I say to that ? "it is her loss" lol

So enjoy, be yourself and most importantly believe in yourself, and "she" will see the man you have become :)

Frankie

 

[Tinyflame]

Sometimes it helps to hold back a little, until you are sure.

But most of all I think as they say, "For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't, no explanation is possible".

Kudos to you for persevering, have faith in yourself, you deserve it.
And have fun (-it will be). :smile:
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[onebravegirl]

Fly dear Johnny, FLY!:occasion:
O

 

[Grainne]

Cheers Johnny! You have come so far and learned sooo much. You will find the one you are looking for..there is no doubt in my mind. :)

Grainne

 

[gdf]

Some Brave Stuff

Hey John,

That's some brave stuff.

Relationships and PTSD is hard stuff no matter how you slice it.

:dontknow:

I got burned in a relationship a long time ago and I am sure the PTSD didn't help but it ended for several reasons, not just the PTSD.

I was lucky--my parents weren't the source of my PTSD. I came back to them from my experience and they loved me and took care of me and taught me to survive life. When I hear of people whose parents just suck big time, I almost feel guilty. I thank God for my mother and father, their wisdom and love every time I think about my childhood issues. I probably frustrated them beyond belief growing up as a neurotic child--waking them up night after night with bad dreams, night mares, bed wetting, ripping the sheets off my bed fighting off invisible attackers. A gift they gave me was independence; to be able to stand alone and be confident in life and know that I could always survive despite the fact that it hurts like h*** a lot of the time.

As a result, I can survive the alone-ness of life. That's not a lot of comfort or consultation when you feel alone and rejected in the dating game. I gave up so I admire you for being brave enough to at least be out there and risk getting hurt. You are living the life a lot of us envision.

Gina

 

[wattle]

Your post sounded so positive, I hope one day to be as positive as you.:thumbs-up Think of the ladies who aren't right as practice for "the one", you'll find her when you least expect it.

 

[iwanttoLIVE]

OMG! You could have been describing my childhood! Unfortunately, I am not to the self-love point yet and still have so many obstacles to overcome......so much self-destructive behaviour in which I am still paying the price and trying to "fix" or get past it. I take three steps forward and two steps back but sometimes its the other way around and there is a slow slide backwards for a few months. Very frustrating! Anyway, I still feel like that lonely, sick, terrified (the kind of fear in which your stomach contracts so violently it hurts and your mind immediatly goes into "survival mode"), confused, and violent. The two differences in my childhood are; I never ate raw bacon and my mother was the "town home-wrecker" so her kids were trash also. I will never forget the way that they would look at us...full of disgust and hatred. Some would even make comments like "that one will be just like her mother" and "white trash". I have gone to college and obtained two degrees with honors but it still doesn't feel good, like its not enough. Nothing makes me proud of myself and I have no self-disipline....only obsession and addiction. I'm so tired of trying to be happy....I am really starting to get upset so I need to quit here. Thanks for reading! Shelly