Self-Hatred/Self-Love

[JohnnyM53]

First thanks to all who posted or pressed the "thanks" button. I appreciate and needed your support these past 24 hours.

I felt totally inept tonight. She was nice, smart and she paid for both our supper. Ugggh! I didn't want a second date. I didn't want her to pay for my meal.

She did everything right. She's nice and decent. I just couldn't make myself feel comfortable enough. Was in a strange restaurant, ordering and eating strange food, with a stranger I didn't know what she was like or looked like. Crap!

I can handle the rejection - what I can't handle is the nervousness and anxiety I felt. I felt so freggin lost tonight. Reminded me of a cruise I took in the 1990s. Was feeling so stuck on that ship for being so out of place with a bunch of people who were so sociable. I spent half that holiday alone avoiding people. I'd walk the deck looking at the ocean night, wanting so much to jump in.

Anyways, it didn't go bad tonight, but I didn't sense any chemistry or connection. All I felt was anxiety and all I want it to stay alone forever and never put myself through that again.

The good news is - in the past - I'd beat myself up. I'm not doing that - just feeling fed up and tired.

Thanks for listening and being there for me. I needed you guys tonight. Needed to come home and the Forum is my home away from home. I just didn't expect anything and you all left me nice messages, which I needed to hear. Meant a lot.

 

[ghost]

Johnny

One time I was wit dis girl, n I wanted to take er to da Morley Leisure Centre, where dey is got a wicked-arse spa and sauna, but dere lap-pool is not dat flash as it has got used bandaids and half-eaten chips floatin in it.

When I aksed her, she looked at me funny and said, 'ain't you got PTSD?'

I looked back at her, real casual n said:

'Yeah babe, dat just means dat I is, P owerful, T oned, S exy, and D eadly.'

I could tell dat she was impressed, but she said dat she could not come as she ad just joined da army, n had to fly out ta Afghanistan dat evenin

Anyway, I is givin ya permission ta use that line if ya want, but you is got to say 'PMC Effect' at the end, otherwise you is infringin on copyright.

Check it

PMC Effect

 

[rjtransient]

I'm willing to bet that anyone but the most practiced socialite would've felt disoriented and out of character in the type of situation you just described. Damn. But you took a risk, you did all right, and you know better than to start in on yourself for circumstances that are beyond your control.

I know what it is to be alone in a crowd. You've gotta forgive me in advance for referencing this, but dating can sometimes be reminiscent of that (in)famous scene in The Great Gatsby that has Gatsby looking out to the blue light on the deck across the waters. (Or, in my case, sitting at a pub table in England with your date and your date's friends, who are already getting along awesomely within minutes of meeting one another, while you smile cordially and start to zone out and stare at the streetlights.) It happens to everyone, but it's probably easier to shrug off for those people who haven't had to factor in the constant conscious effort of undoing a lifetime of conditioning and avoidance.

Even with company, if you aren't connecting and you don't feel comfortable in your own headspace, what anchor do you have?

Especially if the other person does everything right?

Take time to withdraw and recollect yourself. We're always here.

 

[helena]

Hey, Johnnie,

Was off line so couldn't respond to your post.... It's all good, don't worry.

You just need some practice Dr Dop. Anyhow, why are you out meeting all these ladies when you have Nurse Ratchet pining for you????

Hugs

Helena

 

[anni]

Hi Johnny,

We were away for the weekend. I hope not to annoy anyone who lives there, but my idea of pergatory is New Jersey and that's where we were, so by those standards even a blind date sounds like a Bahama cruise. :) Just my little personal opinion. :)

I'm not making light of your ICK moments, of course. Dating is moreeee than awful, isn't it? God I hated it. Honestly? Just in the short time I've been your friend I'd have to say that at some point some female is going to go home delighted as heck because the FINALLY met 'someone like you'. I am NOT just saying that to make someone nice but down about the subject of dating feel better, I'm saying it because it is just inevitable.

Your traumas( and healing) have made you a certain kind of person with really identifiable gifts. On top of what sounds like an originally lovely personality, you, my friend, are what would be a gift to another equally lovely person. I was lucky in that I met my lovely person while not being all that healed, or even prepared ( as you are) to go out and meet anyone. He's just a big, kind, SOLID and perceptive guy who weathered everything with an awful lot of patience and grace without being entirely aware of what was up. You actually are so clearly out there,are ready to be with someone, that it's impossible for me to imagine I could have done that! Well, I couldn't have!

I hope you keep posting on this. It has to be an awfully big subject for others in this situation, or who wish to even be able to date but can't yet. That would have been me, but for my husband's quiet persistance. I was all his work, not mine. You're doing the work, and believe me, it IS going to pay off! You are going to delight the stuffing out of someone!

Take care, ok?

Anni

 

[onebravegirl]

It is good to ask oneself which is better..
To mean a girl at once or at last.
The waiting for the right person will be worth while. It will never work if you force it. A dinner date can feel kinda formal-like your interviewing each other. That's kinda tough.
How about next time going for a walk or too a comedy club where you have things around you to alleviate some of the initial nervous tension?
Where I am they even have "Dating in the Dark" - talk about a PTSD's worst nightmare date!
You are Brave and Beautiful, and you deserve only the same in a Woman.
We are all so proud of you!
O

 

[shiraz]

Hi Johnny, thanks for your words .... there was something in there which applied to me and had not seen before.

I am grateful.

 

[JohnnyM53]

Thanks for all these additonal posts and support folks. Am feeling better today.

OneBravegirl - wise as ever (I love reading your posts BTW!), yes, it felt like an interview. I like your reference to dating in the dark too! I had no idea what she looked like except her height and ethnicity. She was very nice and I did tell her she did nothing wrong; that it was me.

I agree - I think blind dates in restaurants just dont work for me. So I may try some of your suggestions! Thanks for all this OBG! You're beautiful too!*hugs*

Hi Shiraz - glad it helped and thanks for sharing!

 

[tryintobreathe]

Johnny,

That was such an inspirational post. You have come a long way! So much of how you felt as a child was how I felt. I am sure there is a lucky lady..and I mean that...SHE would be lucky to have you. You are such an amazing person Johnny!

Best of luck in the dating world!

Jen

 

[JohnnyM53]

Right back at you Jen *hugs*

thanks *s*

 

[Nicky31]

:Hug_emoticon:Johnny:Hug_emoticon:

Wow stuff has been going on since I was last here. I'm so sorry to hear the turmoil you have been going through over dating and what this has stirred up in terms of how you feel those now perceive you because of your past.

I have always been very open and honest about my past. I feel people can either deal with it or get stuffed. If they can't see what I or you have become and how this shows incredible strength, wisdom and love then they really can not expect to be embraced in our lives. On reflection it has possibly interfered with relationships- partners for example feeling over protective or scared by the breadth of abuse and wondering ('is there more?").

You know Johnny that it is this stuff that has helped to form us, but
there is so much more to you than this. it has simply made you far more aware and compassionate of emotions, feelings impact of actions and so on.

hang on in there hon' you are doing great. I'm proud to know you and know how lucky someone would be to share a bit of life with you

Nic xxx