Self injury - my secret monster. is it yours?

[kona355]

@Link Removed

If I may ask what kind of good things did you say to yourself?

The short answer:

Good things like: I feel this way because of what happened to me; Hardly anyone is all bad, therefore I have some good in me; I am good deep in my soul; I'm not stupid; I care about others; I like doing for others; I am conscientious about my work; I am honest (at least I strive to be); My children [or fill in the blank_____] need me; I love my family; my dog; I just made a mistake, it doesn't make me stupid, worthless, etc.

As I practiced this over several months the negative thoughts came less often and I was able with time to respond to stress, anger and frustration more easily with self-compassion. Now I when I make a really good blunder I say something like "Good one, Sam' or "That was elegant" and laugh. The result was amazing as the depression and debilitating anxiety became less intense.

In depth answer:

About telling yourself good things - I first had to see how many times each day I said or thought bad things about myself. My T had me buy one of those handheld counters (Google: hand tally counter - Staples, etc carry them for a few $).

He said my depression and acute anxiety was being driven and made worse by my negative thoughts and words against myself. You know like when I would mess up and say things like "I such a worthless POS; I'm such an idiot; I'm so stupid, I should've known better; I don't deserve to live," etc, etc,

So he had me begin counting each negative thought or word. In the beginning the count each day was between 80 and 90 times that I bombarded my mind and soul with self-hatred and loathing. Words are powerful, whether thought or spoken. Counting them made me see what I was doing to myself.

Counting them also made me want to lower the daily numbers. This was the first step.

The next was to say or think something positive about myself after each time I either had a negative though or word, or better yet, stop the negative before it fully developed in my mind and say the positive word instead, regardless whether I actually believed the positive or not.

In the beginning I didn't believe any of the positives my T had me write down during a session.

Things like: I feel this way because of what happened to me; Hardly anyone is all bad, therefore I have some good in me; I am good deep in my soul; I'm not stupid; I care about others; I like doing for others; I am conscientious about my work; I am honest (at least I strive to be); My children [or fill in the blank_____] need me; I love my family; my dog; I just made a mistake, it doesn't make me stupid, worthless, etc.

As I practiced this over several months the negative thoughts came less often and I was able with time to respond to stress, anger and frustration more easily with self-compassion. Now I when I make a really good blunder I say something like "Good one, Sam' or "That was elegant" and laugh. The result was amazing as the depression and debilitating anxiety became less intense.

This isn't to say it was all easy, or that this one practice will completely heal or remove any disorder/affliction. But it is one tool to help reduce the self-hatred that is one of the causes driving self-destructive behavior. There are other causes, surely.

To manage PTSD took other methods under the guidance of a good therapist, and to find the initial wound took peeling back the layers of events from my past. For me it was physical abuse accounting for the PTSD.

But another factor, or result, of the violence, was that being abused caused a deep sense of rejection, and my thinking as a child was that there must be something wrong with me since an adult surely wouldn't use violence and display such hatred toward me, otherwise. Since my mother allowed it, therefore it must be my fault, I reasoned. I believed she hated me for this unknown fault I carried, so I began, as a small child to also hate me.

I didn't mean to answer so in depth, it just all seems tied in together.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@kona355, that's awesome! That is one piece i did to stop but words are HUGE and self language, ive learned, is very huge. I also had to practice good self talk to eventually lessen the negitive self talk and id say, that was one of the biggest things that then led to my stopping self injury.

We also had to pull out my trauma so i could be specific in the "i feel (think) this way because XYZ happened to me". The broad didnt work for me.

I also had to chop down "i am bad" and that had many parts to it and something Im still working on but the many parts with the self lanaguge is what worked for me.

 

[Ronin]

For those that have stopped what made you stop?

Realizing people I'm trying to cross by doing it wouldn't give a f*ck & I stand better chances at getting out & far away if not being injured yet by my own hand on top of theirs.

 

[Rachel Elizabeth]

I started when I was young, about eleven or so... I've been told it's for attention and you can stop, just like you have. It's frustrating to be told that you are in control when you feel the opposite. I've stopped many times but always end up going back to it. Never for long periods of time. Just long enough to make myself feel balanced again. My best coping mechanism has been body modification. I've talked to my artist about it numerous times and we call it my "socially acceptable form of si." I've been pierced somewhere around fifty times. It's painful, it's peaceful, and then it still hurts for weeks after. My artist is really understanding and will leave the needle in for as long as possible, idk why but I enjoy that. He does everything slow so I feel it. I've taken piercings out and let them heal just for a reason to do it again. I hope that wasn't too much detail. I still am able to hold jobs as the piercings I leave in are always either out of sight or on my ears. The only facial piercings I have are my nose and tongue and I've had them redone a couple times each. When I get stressed out and can't get a piercing is when I'll revert back to a different form of si. I hope this helps you.

 

[sun seeker]

Still working on finding one BUT my past therapists always focused on trying to stop the SI by using other behaviors and not focusing on my thought process.

What about looking at where the urge comes from and processing the trauma it is based on? Or at what need you are trying to fill and how better it could be met? Or maybe a combination of all of the above.

 

[Fadeaway]

Sorry, posting before I read the replies. I started cutting when I was 15. other forms of self harm started in 4th grade. I still can see the pencil lead embedded in my hand from stabbing myself with a very sharp pencil.

How did I stop? I got a severe staph infection that wouldn't heal It scared me, I found this site shortly after and switched to biting myself. I have had one relapse since

After reading the previous replies, I can honestly say I think it very different than an addiction to overcome. At least I think treating it as an addiction would be the wrong way to handle it.

Mine might have started out by hoping my 4th teacher would notice something was wrong, but by the time I moved on to cutting, it was a very private thing.

There is no such thing as aspirin for that sickly and achy soul pain or a way to jump start your soul from being numb. cutting I guess can be labeled as a grounding method.

@joeylittle mentioned burning. I did that once, but for me it wasn't self-punishment, it was trying to dull the internal pain. I caught my ex in bed with someone else and my moms response was "I have some weed." No "I am sorry" or "how dare he" just get high and get over it. The pain was so great, yeah the cheating hurt, but the fact that I felt so alone and no one cared, and then I was forced to get a ride with the man who abused me as a child.

So long story short I tossed the weed out the window and just held the flame from the lighter under my arm and it was so soothing. I can't explain it but it was soothing and comforting.

Wow, profound moment here. I think self-injury is actually a warped form of self-comfort. Is it just me? Anyone else make this connection?

 

[NatBird]

Yes I self injure through food.

It's a control/fear thing. I hurt and sabotage me so others won't get there first. Sad.
I'm working on, through it slowly.

 

[NatBird]

I started when I was young, about eleven or so... I've been told it's for attention and you ca...

@Rachel Elizabeth i've never got into piercing but I enjoy the feel of needles too. Never worked out what it was about. Only thing I could think of is that I associate it with being cared for.

 

[Lotis]

@kona355 Thank you for such an honest and in depth response. I truly am thankful.

Words are powerful. I mean they did a ton of damage over the course of my lifetime. Why couldn't they reverse the damage? I see in your case it really has helped. It definitely does not sound easy and sounds like it takes determination and a constant awareness to the negative self talk.

About telling yourself good things - I first had to see how many times each day I said or thought bad things about myself. My T had me buy one of those handheld counters (Google: hand tally counter - Staples, etc carry them for a few $).

That is a great idea....

So he had me begin counting each negative thought or word. In the beginning the count each day was between 80 and 90 times that I bombarded my mind and soul with self-hatred and loathing. Words are powerful, whether thought or spoken. Counting them made me see what I was doing to myself.

This must have been a real eye opener for you! I would think my numbers would be high as well.

In the beginning I didn't believe any of the positives my T had me write down during a session.

Yep I could see this being an issue and not believing.

Things like: I feel this way because of what happened to me; Hardly anyone is all bad, therefore I have some good in me; I am good deep in my soul; I'm not stupid; I care about others; I like doing for others; I am conscientious about my work; I am honest (at least I strive to be); My children [or fill in the blank_____] need me; I love my family; my dog; I just made a mistake, it doesn't make me stupid, worthless, etc.

Kind of like a mantra..a good mantra! Writing a list must have been hard. I imagine you would add to it as you felt more positive thoughts or at least it became easier for you to feel good thoughts about yourself?

This isn't to say it was all easy, or that this one practice will completely heal or remove any disorder/affliction. But it is one tool to help reduce the self-hatred that is one of the causes driving self-destructive behavior. There are other causes, surely.

No but it sure is a great start and sounds like it really helped you allot. I would be willing to try this.

But another factor, or result, of the violence, was that being abused caused a deep sense of rejection, and my thinking as a child was that there must be something wrong with me since an adult surely wouldn't use violence and display such hatred toward me, otherwise. Since my mother allowed it, therefore it must be my fault, I reasoned. I believed she hated me for this unknown fault I carried, so I began, as a small child to also hate me.

Yes I can understand this on a personal level. Being physically abused causes a great deal of anger and self hatred toward yourself especially when you are a child and are told you are bad. Hearing that over and over resonates inside of you and you begin to believe it. Having a parental figure stand by and let it happen is even more damaging.

Thank you again this is all very helpful.

~L

 

[Lotis]

What about looking at where the urge comes from and processing the trauma it is based on? Or at wha...

@sun seeker Yes - I have to do this...because it has been with me for so long I need to do some serious work. It has become such a horrible secret for me - just like my abuse was.,,which is ironic now that I am thinking about it. Everyone thinks I am fine and that I stopped years ago. I am THAT good at hiding it. But it is a huge burden that I want to let go of. I am trying to find a good therapist and if I can find one this is something we are going to get into because I need to be done with it.
~L

 

[Lotis]

Wow, profound moment here. I think self-injury is actually a warped form of self-comfort. Is it just me? Anyone else make this connection?

@Fadeaway it could be for some. When I was in my teens it was somewhat comforting for me. I thought about SI as a friend who was always there for me even if not a healthy "friend". It was a love hate relationship. It grew into something else. Presently it is not a comfort to me but more of a heavy burden.

~L