Self-isolating

[marylouise]

I don't think of myself as someone who does this. I'm normally quite happy to go out, to meet friends, to do stuff, to meet new people. But I'm realizing that it's a problem for me. I do it often when I'm dealing with memories, which I've been the past couple of days. I don't feel safe going out of the house. And I don't feel safe being in contact with people, even friends, on the phone or via e-mail or social networks. The need to stay inside and not see people is so powerful, it feels primal. If I go out, I go after dark, which somehow feels safer to me. Though I'll avoid leaving the house if I can, even if it sometimes means eating popcorn for dinner. I say to myself, "so what, it's just a few days until the memories clear up or until I have to do this thing or until the weekend comes and my husband is around." I realize most people don't have the luxury to not leave the house for days at a time, and this only started for me when I stopped working because of illness. I feel crazy thinking about it.

I don't really know what to do about it. I guess I should just make myself go out. But I don't want to. I don't feel good going out. And I know from trying in the past that it can exacerbate symptoms. I sometimes go out and end up dissociated. How can I feel safe going out? Maybe I need to bribe myself somehow? Like I can go somewhere special if I go out? Usually what drives me out is that I need groceries (I usually shop everyday) or that I promised to be somewhere or to meet a friend (but that doesn't happen everyday).

I've been reading through the forum, and I know a lot of other people experience this in various forms. I feel very embarrassed about it. How do you deal with it?

 

[desiderata310]

It has become debilitating in a way for me at times. Last weekend I COULD NOT leave the house. The anxiety was too great.
I wish it was a choice.

 

[Go Hungry]

I have that problem alot too. I'm usually good about going to work, but sometimes I'm afraid even to do that. Otherwise I hardly ever leave my place. There are times I've spent the entire weekend in my apt, only going to the store for maybe 20mins and then I'm right back in there. I would probably go out at night except my neighbourhood really isn't safe to do that in. That's about as far as I can go without having a friend around. I can't even stand to drive places that I don't already know. It's not just you by any means.

I deal with it, when I can, by trying to get out, maybe go to a museum, or walk to get some ice cream. I can usually just get lost in a crowd and then feel like nobody will see me. Ofcourse the anxiety is still there. 'Did I dress right?" 'Is my posture right, should I be carrying myself higher?' It's things like this that get me when there's anyone around.

I guess like anything else, the answer is to just keep pushing...

 

[marylouise]

I've been considering this. I really appreciated the responses. I've seen other posts like mine since I wrote it. I didn't realize that self-isolating was such a big issue for trauma survivors, though it makes sense logically to me now. We had our basic sense of safety violated. Of course we sometimes don't feel safe leaving the house.

For me this is a kind of paralysis. Most of the time I don't feel it. When I don't, I can't relate to this feeling. Yet, in the moment it's so paralyzing, it's hard to think through it. I think the best answer for me may be to prepare ahead of time. Before I moved, I started doing that by making sure I had food frozen that I could rely on, just in case. I enabled my self-isolation.

But what if I had supportive ways to get myself out of the house? I like the idea of having a few places to go that feel nice and comforting. Where I live now I can walk to the duck pond and feed the ducks. It is peaceful there. I can also go have tea in the afternoon, when the shops are mostly empty. That is pleasant. I find that to feel safe, I need to get fully dressed and made-up as if I am going out to work, even if I'm just going for a walk, or to the duck pond. That's okay. That is what it takes.

 

[silkleaves]

My home is my haven...I feel totally safe here, it's just the way I like it. It's peaceful, nothing bad happens here, and totally predictable. Just me and kiddo and we never have any issues with each other...so yeah, safe. And then there's all that madness going on outside my door.

Even if it's not bad stuff, just....I feel suffocated when I'm around a lot of people. And just thinking about it, I'll work myself into a frienzy to the point where I'm like..I don't need to put up with all of that! And nothing has even happened...I probably would go out and it would just be a boring humdrum event, like it often is, or I'd have a great time with friends... But I work myself up and over so much in my mind that I just can't...

Kiddo does help, usually when it's something she wants to do lol but even if it's just me going out to spend time with friends or run errands, she will keep bringing it up that I should go until I relent. There are times when she will get dressed, get my keys and stand by the door waiting for me to make a move...the pressure from her helps. And its not bad / annoying / naggy type pressure (well, she is my kid afterall, there are boundaries!) but still, that she won't let me off the hook, so to speak, helps.

 

[marylouise]

One more thing I noticed: when I feel like this, it's really powerful to go somewhere else for awhile in my mind. Quite literally. I lie down and imagine I'm somewhere else. I have a room in a house in the woods where I like to go. Makes no sense, but then I'm calmer and feel stronger. I'm more willing to go out afterwards. Basically, I self-meditate instead of focusing on all the crap.

@silkleaves, I've often thought a dog would be good for me for the same reasons you're talking about. I just can't have one now.

 

[silkleaves]

That's pretty interesting @marylouise ... I may try that out next time I'm having a problem leaving home.

And indeed...kiddo turns 18 soon, and will be on her own and I have been thinking for years about getting a dog. I'm thinking that this summer, we will be heading to the shelter to see who chooses us.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I appreciate this thread. I did not put it together with a possible symptom of PTSD.:cautious:
Yet, I am so happy in my space...I mean I feel like it's home. (dah moment, right?) My dogs are here. I knit, research, cook, read educational stuff, watch movies, contact through E-mail, on-line communities and text, travel a bit. Listen to the birds, wildlife in my yard and around the canal, smell the flowers, mint in my garden.

When I worked a few months ago, it was constant public on-time. Blending my emotions in order to serve others better, busyness of this or that. S.O. often comments on my not wanting to just go to go. But I have seen so much already...that being at home is like a new love. It is safe, it is quiet as I may wish it to be or I can play music. I dunno know...maybe it DID start as PTSD crap-ola
but I turned my lemons into lemonade.:p Just sign me the happy hermit. Thanks for the info!

 

[marylouise]

I wanted to follow-up after a few bad days.

The first day I went out to get groceries. I prioritized that and forced myself. It was painful, but short-lived. I definitely felt out of it. I didn't feel any positive psychological effect, but the next day I had groceries to put together good meals, for which I was very grateful.

The second day I didn't have to go out, but I remembered my plan to just go to the nice place where the ducks are. I walked far beyond that, to a bookstore and purchased a book I can handle reading right now. It was painful at first to be outside and I felt very out of it, but it felt good to walk and be outside. I am very grateful to have a book.

Today I went on an excursion. I didn't want to, but I made myself. I wasn't totally engaged with it, but I enjoyed being outside and seeing people. I feel much better now, though so tired.

This is not the best time, but it's worse if I stay inside all day. Truth is that the world wasn't safe when I was young, but it pretty much is now, thanks be to (God/the gods/Goddess/the universe). It's good to reality check that by going outside.

 

[quiettime77]

I can relate, especially about eating popcorn for dinner just to avoid going to the store. :hug: I don't work and my husband is often gone for his job. When my symptoms were at their worst, I wouldn't even open up the blinds. I self isolated most often after drinking, but even after a few sober days, I was still terrified of the world. My home is safe but it still felt like a prison.

I'm glad you went on an excursion! Keep going out, but don't push yourself too hard. It does get easier. Two years ago, I left the house maybe once a week. Now I'm a student with a good GPA, though a setback a few days ago has knocked me back into bad habits. I had to force myself to leave the house this morning, and while it was nothing life changing, I went out into world again. I hope this helps you in some way!:hug:

qt77

 

[Recovery4Me]

Wow, MaryLouise! This is very inspirational!

I am going to name this the "Free MaryLouise Campaign" and in your honor go outside my house tomorrow and act normal.:confused: I have been putting off enjoying the summer. Time for me to shape up and support my buddy by following her role model behavior.
Thank you for sharing such success!:woot::woot:

*PS Hope I made you giggle:clown: