Self Sabotage?

[Andre]

I've been on and off to the whole making friends/finding a date thing for some time. An instant of certainty that I'd follow up any inkling to speak with someone new or ask a girl out, followed by the crash where I realize all the problems that would come up if any of them actually said yes. I've managed to push through that a little, but now I'm confronted with a new problem. I don't know why but at times it seems completely logical to me to be absolutely blunt about some things. Not a bad thing in itself, but the things that I suddenly want to be blunt about always turn into rants on why they shouldn't be my friend/date, etc. Twice in person, another time in writing. I see this afterwards as an explanation for the result, but I always feel obligated to do it. Just wondering if anybody else has felt this, and how they have adjusted to stop it.

 

[cdnleaf]

Not so much for me intentionally - more of a defense mechanism - at times easier for me to push people away, then let them in. I think It's cool that you are aware of it going on. Perhaps explain that you have a tendency to be brutally honest? You could look at it as self-injury; if it's intentionally affecting your ability to have meaningful relationships in recovery. When I get like that it's completely about me and not the other person. Though it takes a really big other person to understand that. All the best.

 

[tch75]

Man, do I know that pattern/behaviour, I do it myself, over, and over again.
I personaly think of It as self sabotage, maybe as a defence mechanism against the feelings, and behaviour I "know" will come if a relation, or relationship develops.
I don't have any good answer to how to work past it, but I would really like to hear what others do!?

tch75

 

[Tinyflame]

I think if you recognize it as self-sabotage that's half the problem. Perhaps try not to 'think' too much, just enjoy the moment and recognize much of what you worry about is likely more anxiety or fear-based than a valid concern.

Practise and let yourself recognize the good qualities that you have, and always remember if someone likes you they like you for 'you', and that is a very individual choice. And if that's the case, you might have more in common than you realize, who knows? It decreases anxiety if you are on the same wave-length. Even better still if you enjoy each other's company or have a laugh together, etc. If they like you, remember they're "on your side", nothing to make a big deal (worry) about.

There's different degrees of 'letting people in'. That's based on trust/ similarities etc. Go by your instincts/ your heart but be aware that you might need to push yourself out of your comfort zone and be responsible for 'you' to change how you've reacted in the past.

-Everything will be ok, it's also easier to do/ try with some people than others.

 

[Nighthawk]

Andre,

I could have written your post, really... really... I do this all the time or the alternative is I go after people that are not availiable. I even feel myself doing it or backing off or making myself sound like baggage and I can't stop myself. I think I am screaming I am not worth your time I am just not worth it go away and if they don't hear me at first I find other ways to get rid of them. If you find the answer the one that works for you please tell me the secret. I know I might sound sarcastic at the moment but If I am not being brought down by others my mind does a tremendously good job of doing it for them.

NH