Self-worth and sexuality and rejection

[{hot~tea}]

Last week I had a really bad episode that was triggered when my partner rejected my sexual advances. I asked if he had masturbated earlier that day and he said that he had. I asked if he had watched pornography too, because communication is something that we're working on regarding that. He gave me a vague answer eluding to yes and I was devastated. I felt worthless, angry, hurt, useless, and like a piece of shit for him choosing porn over me. I took some space and tried to distract myself but the negative self talk got worse and I became increasingly upset. These feelings and thoughts became so intrusive that I began to regress to my childhood urges to self harm. While I was able to abstain from cutting myself, I still sobbed and slapped myself in the face and drank more than I knew I should with an important business project the next day. I wanted to walk outside after hours and put myself at risk of being taken.

While my partner is trying to hold accountability for his own Dismissive Avoidant and abandoning behavior for me in my time of need, I want to get to the bottom of my trigger. I don't really feel the urge to self harm outside of what I would view sexual infedelity. But when this trigger happens, it happens seriously which leads me to believe that I hold a lot of self-worth in my own sexuality. We can had other types of rough spots in our relationship, but this one theme in particular makes me feel like dying. I would love to hear others' insight and experiences with this.

 

[somerandomguy]

You know, your partner is allowed to decline your sexual advances. And it sounds very much like your line of questioning, to say nothing of your behavior afterwards, was meant to control him.

If you don't want to know, don't ask.

But I'm sorry this is such a rough topic between you and your partner. It sounds a lot like when I used to demand sex from my partner. It was horribly unfair, and I can't honestly believe our relationship survived that. Hopefully your relationship will survive too.

Anyway, sometimes using porn is just easier. And your actions show exactly why that is.

 

[Sideways]

I’ve been working on my self concept for years. For me, it’s still very precariously linked to my perceived sexual value to men. That really hasn’t shifted much for me at all, and when that shit gets triggered, I self destruct like a fkn death star. Like, galactical proportions.

So, if his porn use, or masturbating, is triggering that for you? I reckon don’t touch it with a barge pole until you’ve figured out a way to talk it through without the self destructive flow on from it.

Which is not to say it shouldn’t matter, but whatever he’s doing in private? Isn’t worth self destructing over.

 

[Liljulz67]

You know you're worth more than anybody,period.self worth is measured by what you instinctively know about you.sounds like you know what you bring to the table.i have been lucky enough to have been complimented enough to know this but this last break up I had to be very honest and say it would have been easy to say oh it is all my fault but Hell No,he has made Porn a priority which is fine but I have my needs and I know these are more important than anybody or anything else. It is easy to self harm with food,drugs,shopping ,cutting cause I have done them all!!.,not worth it.done alot of work around this and I say if the person has put a Fake experience because porn is all acting, before you?,it says more about him than you.it use to trigger me alot to know what my partner was up to until I got wise and started affairs with others of my choice.never again will I settle for someone who prioritizes acting over reality,it is just not cool.i support your feelings but know not to ask.i live with my partner still,we have boundaries and when he goes out I do not dare ask anything cause he has no business knowing mine.Beleive in You.it is hard but know that the harm you do to you will haunt you with shame.you are worth more than that.

 

[No More]

I really like everything @somerandomguy said here.

I think you put yourself/partner in a difficult situation in regards to asking if he’d used porn. Because either he has to lie to you to keep your from hurting yourself, or if he’s honest you get very upset and dysregulated, which does punish your partner unfairly. Perhaps questioning him in this way is best steered clear of, for the time being while you figure out better ways of managing this particular trigger?

Do you seriously view porn use as sexual infidelity? Because this is a subject that perhaps when you are both calm you need to sit and talk through, because some people *don’t* view porn that way, and it may be you are both incompatible in this view if neither of you are able to compromise.

 

[Friday]

I usually adore when men have masturbated, before having sex with me, just because the time frame? Has just elongated. Sooooo much more fun!!! YAY!!! (Quickies have their place, too. I will never snub a quickie. Hell. I delight in provoking them. But OMFG, how lovely are hours instead of minutes?!?) So I usually encourage my partners to get off, as often as possible, before coming to bed.. for 2 reasons; 1 the elongation, & 2 the practice (the more sex one has, the more ready/able/willing one’s body IS to have more sex).

I jerked off earlier, so I’m not interested?

Can f*ck off.

As in, literally, good bye.

 

[EveHarrington]

I refuse to date anyone who watches porn.

Sadly, I realize my chances of finding a partner are nearly zero.

 

[OliveJewel]

@{hot~tea} does it bother you that he masturbated or that he watched porn?

@EveHarrington I am of the same opinion.