Sense of A Foreshortened Future

[jeapea]

My mother died at age 48. I've outlived her and I didn't think I would. It feels strange to be older than my mom ever got. Not real somehow.

When I ran away from home at 15 I tried to commit suicide. I screwed it up. That's what I told myself. Just one more thing I didn't do right.....

I remember thinking of dying at different times in my life. I've taken unneccessary risks on my own or with jobs I've had. But I also had dreams and hopes of a 'different' future. I had a picture in my mind of what a 'real future' is supposed to look like. But, I don't think it's going to happen for me. Not deep down. I think it was just something I must have made up for the sake of my kids.
Just a dream. They left... and they didn't come back... so there is no 'dream come true'. There was no 'future' after all.

I live in today. I recognize how I live in survival mode. I think about how things 'can' work.. what it takes to plan for success. But I'm surprised if or when anything I do has anything to do with it. I don't give myself credit unless there's no getting out of it. Unless there's no other explanation for success.

What I've noticed about myself most of all in the past few years is a change in my level of confidence. I used to not fear anything. Now, I seem to be afraid of everything. I don't like that. I don't like who I turned into...whatever it is.

I figure.. with my business... that it will or won't work out. Either way, it's what I have. I have to force myself to go there out of a sense of owing 'the business' as if it doesn't belong to me. I have to think of it as its own entity. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't bother. I feel like I'm just waiting.

 

[pandora]

I could have written what you just said but it was my father and he was 43, I too tried to commit suicide at 15 and also thought i was a failure because i did not do it right. Now...I still have the thoughts that I have a minimal future...but I have a 13 year old and i worry about it everyday...kind of makes me sick really. I have often wished he would just take us both together because i cannot live without my son and he would be lost without me. Some days i wait too...it is an eerie feeling and i cannot seem to shake it either..I definately do not like this aspect at all and it is part of the ptsd that I am having a hard time getting back to reality...stop worrying about it and live in today but i think when you have a parent die at an early age this can make this aspect of PTSD exacerbated.

 

[jeapea]

Well, I haven't been doing too well lately, so it seems to be magnified. I can definitely relate to living for your kids. I stopped doing things that would leave them without me out of compassion for what it would do to them. Not because I valued myself. I guess I don't know how to value me. These days my risks are financial instead of physical.

I wouldn't want my sons lives to be shortened. That would cheat them out of the possibility of a better life than I had. And I want that more than anything. And another thing i don't want is for my grandkids to be cheated out of having a grandma like my kids were cheated. maybe I'll get to be one to my youngest sons children. maybe not. Or, maybe I'll just be here for someone who doesn't have a grandma. Or, for some other wayward soul who needs me.

Life's full of maybes......... let's just see what happens next?