Now you guys must be wondering why I am writing part 2...
Here is what happened next. So after calling my Psychiatrist I was relieved. However, my mother has been sick for quite a while suffering aggravated back pain and shoulder muscle pain. So I decided to drive her to the doctors.
So we left home at 8:30am. However, the clinic we usually go to is a walk in clinic and they don't make appointments. So it's pretty much first in first serve. It was till 10:50 am when we were called to see an American white doctor who was in his 60's. I actually wanted to see him although I have never seen him before. I didn't want to see any INDIAN doctors because majority of them have this sick male dominance and it's one of my triggers of childhood, as a result I hate Indians.
Anyway, moving on. We got there and told the doctor how she's been having back pain, shoulder pain and now this cough and cold. She wanted him to give her strong medication but he simply refused. Here is what he said and this is the best part:
He told her that he cannot prescribe her stronger pills for her pain because they are addictive and will lose it's effectiveness overtime AND she'll need even stronger medication to detox the previous ones. Then he told her something she has NEVER heard and NEVER wanted to hear. He told her that she NEEDS to lose weight!!!! YES, he said this!!! I LOVED him for saying this because that's what me and my brother has been telling her for the last 7 years that she needs t lose weight so that she doesn't have such medical condition BUT she always REFUSED to listen to us and she knew what was best for her. Last time she was hospitalized due to her immune system causing her body to swell from this on going and off going arthritis. Even at that time, I told her that she needs to exercise and lose weight but she refused to listen to me! She thought I was some idiot yell her lungs out to tell her what to do AND she is supposed to be the mother NOT me!!!
Let here what my mum had next say! She asked the doctor to give her a Pill for losing weight!!! YES, she said this. Surprisingly, the doctor Refused her again!!! He told her NOT to look for easy ways out!! She needs to lose weight by first altering her diet! Then she needs to start exercising to lose her weight! She then again said, I need help to lose weight, I don't eat much and why I am putting on weight?
At the time I told the doctor that she only eats bread (2-3 a day) and doesn't eat in between where she should be having something to eat even little. He AGREED with me again!!! YES, a win-win situation for me. I didn't feel like an idiot trying to hit her against the wall trying to convince her mother she needs to exercise and eat healthy!!! This is for the FIRST time I felt that my words had meaning, I am actually HEARD for the FIRST time in my life! AND I actually had a SAY!!!
The doctor then tells her that she needs to eat small meals throughout the day, it can be just salads and cut down her fruit (she's a vegetarian) because her body is storing carbs. Therefore she needs to have something which has low carbs but HIGH in PROTEIN. Again, what me and my brother have been telling her but she calling us IDIOTS!!!! I told him that she doesn't listen to me and I was always telling her that I can help her with her diet and exercise but she always refused me and told me that she needs to sort out her bills and other things. He told her to "LISTEN to your Daughter (i.e. me) and she knows what she's talking about! Let her help you!"
This was the FIRST time I felt that my words have VALUE and I am not some idiot telling her random stories!
She then asked him what kind of job should she do. She told him that she wants to be a security guard. He looked at her through his glass and had a grin on his face and told her "it's not the kind of job suited for her body! This is a demanding job where you need to be physically strong and she is NOT!" YES Again, me and my brother were RIGHT!! Today was the first day on this earth I felt that I have met "GOD in a white American's body who finally validated my reasoning and made feel SANE for the first f*ckING TIME!!!!" YES, it was about time GOD (well I am an atheist) has shown me mercy and proved that I am not someone stupid for trying to get something across someone's head! It was the FIRST time I was heard!
Let's here about the next part, She COMPLAINED that she doesn't know English and no one would hire her for less physical demanding job! Let's here what he said: He said, "You can learn English, you can even speak better, write better and read better like any of us here in this room! You are ONLY 52 and you can learn ANYTHING if YOU want to learn!! It's all mind over matter". Then he told her the something from his personal life. He told her about his Romanian friend complaining about his wife NOT getting a job and not working! How his friend was arguing with his wife at home in Romanian for not finding a job. He told us that his friend was belittling his wife while she was an intelligent lady and the only barrier for her not getting the job was English. He told us how he told his friend to Stop complaining and letting the woman learn English. His friend was the barrier for his own wife for not getting a job. So he told my mum that she CAN learn English like anyone and can get a decent job! It's all in her mind and she should do whatever it takes for her to learn.
My mother has always avoided learning English and made me and my brother do English for her! YES, she still makes us write emails or letters on her behalf. When we tell her that she should learn English and try doing it herself, she complains that "just because we know English and we are being arrogant and that's why we are NOT helping her!" She MADE me do her assignment for that security guard job training whereas she should've been doing it for herself with little to NO help. BUT she chose the easy way out by Emotionally blackmailing me and my brother!
Here is what I have analyzed. My mum has always used this emotional blackmailing to control me or my brother. Whenever we went against her will she would get upset and cry. Whenever we tried telling her that she needs to do this to help her out she would NEVER listen instead would go her way and fail! She opened two businesses in two wrong areas and lost about $100000 in one and $85000 in another. When I tried stopping her she told me that I am getting in her way of success and I am stopping her from achieving her goals. When I told her that I want to move out and be the woman of my dreams she told me that I am too vulnerable and girls only leave home after MARRIAGE. The girls who leave home before marriage are characterless! (See how sick thinking that was? She also told me that I WILL get raped or used by someone and since I can't cook or don't have time management I will SUFFER!
Whenever I tried standing up to her ASSHOLE NARCISSISTIC c*nt SON OF BITCH brother she would turn against me and make me shut up! As a CONSEQUENCE I had LOST sense of my boundaries, had no confidence, Low self-esteem and negative self image, self hate and negative out look of life. As a result of this SHIT I was almost raped by a so called friend and his wife (they told me that they could smell my depression and low confidence and self-esteem from far away!).
Now here is My Plan. Now I have identified what I have been fighting against all my life and why my depression has been coming back to my life in these last 11 years is because I had NO Control over my life, I have NO Voice, I was considered rude, arrogant, sarcastic bitch by her brothers and sisters. They were the ones WHO had problems with me and they are responsible for my mother being CONTROLLING over me. Her asshole brother made propheciese about me when i was only a 14 yr old kid that I will RUN away from home at 16 with a guy and will become a hair dresser! (Running away from home AND that too with a GUY in bloody INDIANS is a huge deal, I hope you know what this culture is about, YES Male Dominance!!) As a result of this my mother was too controlling and I was always kept an eye on! Once I went to uni to sort out my courses for the following semester (i.e. 2009), it was inter-semester break. That day I caught the bus to uni at 10:30am and it took me 50 mins to reach uni, I was at uni by 11:20 am. Then I sorted out my papers. While I was done, I met a friend there who was my work colleague when I worked at retail store 2 years before. So we talked and were just catching up. I met her at 1pm. I was depressed at that time too and that time there was a different trigger which had set of my depression in 2009. And she knew I had low self-esteem and low confidence and she knew all about my abuses because I had told her before. She recommended a book so she took me to the public library nearby uni to get a book which would help me, sadly, we couldn't find a book. I told her that I need to go home so I took the bus at 2:30pm and got home by 3:30pm. I only spent 1 hr 30 mins with my friend and the rest of the time was on bus and sorting out my papers. So when I get home, my mum was Pissed off at me and told me that "you NEVER spent this much time at uni when you had your semester and now you have NO uni and no exam, How COME IT took you so long?". She STOPPED talking to me for couple of days because of this and we had a HUGE argument! I was f*cking 22 yrs old and she Mad at me for having a day away from home??? I mean seriously??
Every time my depression came in I had cravings for leaving home and I had enough of being controlled BUT my words had no value. I was NEVER important. They (her siblings) were more important. Their thinking was more important. Anything they said about me WAS TRUE according to my mum. She took her asshole brother's words for real towards me. Look at me, I am here with a Masters in Engineering (first class honors) and that too done with a scholarship BUT THEY were more important!!! I was NEVER a human to begin with??? I hate that part of my life! NOW I have told her that I am Leaving this city! This is the city where I was molested by her brother-in-law at 9, forced to work from the age of 12 by her bastard brother + was beaten, emotionally and verbally abused by her sister. I just CANNOT live here and I CANNOT tolerate these assholes. They can all go and f*ck themselves!!
Anyway, lets not ruin my good day with those morons. Lets get on with what happened when we were about to leave the doctor's clinic. The doctor told her to LISTEN to me about health and diet because I know what I am talking about! When we walked out of the clinic my bladder was full and I was looking for a toilet while mum went to the pharmacy to get her meds. As I crossed the road, I saw a familiar face. Yes, it is someone very important and special. It was this friend I made at the gym in year 2007 and I was seeing her after 7years!! She was the one who used to encourage me when I was overweight. She even helped me to learn swimming then and at that time I had NO confidence. She herself had lost 150 kg over a period of 1.5 yr and she was a true inspiration. I was always had her at the back of my mind and i felt sad that I will never meet her. But I met her after 7 yrs today. I recognized her and so did she. She was the first person who actually liked calling my name and that too with proper pronunciation because she didn't believe in changing people's name for their own convenience of pronunciation. So we talked about life and exchanged both mobile numbers and home numbers.
Today felt as if all my dreams were coming true. I was absolutely happy to meet a friend after 7yrs that i had lost contact with. I met a great MALE doctor (note: I hated men due to my trauma!) who assured my word had IMPORTANCE. Plus my mother decided to change her diet and start exercising instead of relying on medicine. It was the most important day of my life because I had accomplished so much just in such a short period of the day.
I got home and talked to an important friend here from the forum whom I chat with almost everyday. He is a great listener, he is very supportive and he knows who he is so I am not going to say his name for privacy concerns. But he is a true gem of a person and I hope he realises one day how good, generous and kind and sweet he is.
I went to the gym after this with a big smile on my face and this man walking out of the gym said hello to me and smiled too. I was attracting all sorts of positive energy today. I trained for my leg day. I had all the energy I never had all these years. My depression, thyroid problem and beta- thalassemia always affected my performance at the gym. I never had enough energy to exercise, I was always sleepy, tired and sad while training but mirtazapine is the GOD sent from heaven into my life. It lifted heavier weights than usual today, didn't run out of breath while exercising, I did more sets and reps while doing leg training. Trust me I have never felt this energetic in my life before ever even when I was losing those 20 kgs with healthy eating + training. On top of this I have maintained my healthy eating and still full and controlling my cravings. I feel it's also mind over matter and I believe I can do anything in life if I put my mind to it. Oh my friend who I met after 7 yrs also used to say it's all about "mind over matter".
I am happy today and it is the best day of my life. I think that's all for today. And I'm sorry for writing too much :). I'd like to thank all the great people I have met in the forum who have supported me till today. Lastly, I'd like to thank Anthony for creating such a great forum for everyone so that we could share our experiences and help each other when we need it. So thanks to everyone who has been reading my thread :).
