Sensible Rules For "screening" People To Be Friends With?

[Pencil]

My daughter is 7, and extremely extroverted. She LOVES just about everybody. So, now I'm teaching her about the difference between personality and character, and she's getting it; she is beginning to draw the distinction herself. Some people have great personalities but don't have a good or solid character. Some are sour, dour, boring, whatever, but are good people. Some have good characters and great personalities. Some poor sods score zero on both scores. I make friends with people in the first three categories but I always stay aware of which category they belong to. Those in the last category I, and everybody else, avoid like the plague.

 

[p-no]

If we feel good about ourselves and the other person when we interact, that person is ok.

I'm aware you're talking about yourself here, Bloom, so this is not a direct comment to you.

When I read this, I went on high alert cause I feel good about myself when I'm with the wrong people and bad when I am with the right people. Seriously. It sucks, because I have not yet found a way to change this. It's highly risky and has been dangerous several times for me, and by dangerous, I mean things proved physically dangerous.

If you've been messed up about this as a kid, this can be a detrimental thing to do, listen to ourselves. You can be that messed up that you will actually feel good about yourself and the other person and they can still be an abuser, to say the least.

 

[BloomInWinter]

VERY true, prime-no.

I first had to learn how to even know what I was feeling. I was so used to talking myself out of negative feelings, which is like disabling the fire alarm to one's home.

Once I began welcoming all feelings, even negative ones, as telling me something important, it made me it possible for me to act on them.

 

[Eleanor]

Part of why I asked the question is because being in the grip of the pattern that some psychs name "repetition compulsion" makes it really challenging to make good choices about who to trust and let into your life.

 

[safenow]

That makes a lot of sense, Eleanor. Gentle hugs if you'll allow them.

 

[p-no]

Eleanor, the only thing that has helped me, literally, and I do it, is take time (an incredibly long time) to get to know a person. By that I mean months! Outside looking in, this could be viewed as people having to "prove" that they are meaning well, but that is not really the case. I just need the time to experience those people in all different kinds of circumstances.

One of the things I "check" is whether their actions match their words. Another thing is getting beyond the stage of finding them "so very nice" and "so very much on the same page with me", "so much like me", "so caring"... I have come to notice that I judge more or less at first sight. Usually, if a person smiles and is superficially "nice" (more or less polite and a bit funny), they "pass". So, what I do is wait until that phase is over, until I am not "blinded" anymore and see the real them. People can hide their true selves only for so long. So, this is how long I wait and observe, with all my senses. As I do, again, need a lot of time to consciously sit down and feel my feelings towards a person (especially if those feelings are somewhere along the line "something's off", "there is that something I can't put my finger on"). Negative feelings towards a person become sensable by me only if there is absolute quiet. When I'm going for a walk and all the other emotional "rubbish" has been dealt with. That is, I think, because what I thought or felt never mattered. That flame was almost extinguished completely. What's left (with regard to the choice of people) is more like a whiff of a feeling or even "possible negative feeling" towards a person. A tiny flame would be saying too much as an analogy.

With my personal history, I do avoid men with certain professions. This has a reason, and even if people see it as prejudice, for me it really is a means of keeping me safe.

What I started doing was write a list of traits, a possible partner must have. The "musts" really are "musts". They are not too many and they're not over the top, but realistic and important traits to me. Could this mean I have missed someone special? Yes, but that's worth it. I have decided for myself that I do not have to give a chance to "anyone".

I also put up rules for myself, i.e. do not start a relationship (generally speaking) because I "click". I clicked with every single one of my male abusers in adulthood. So, despite my therapist saying she met her husband of 40 years and has not spent a day without him since, I won't do it. There is no exception.

That's all that comes to mind right now.

I think this is a real tough one. In comparison, it is so very easy to change behaviour!

Best wishes to you, Eleanor.

 

[jmni]

I've had two people from my work try to get on my good side by telling me that other people were speaking badly about me and that they stood up for me. I can hardly believe even one adult would act like this let alone two. This is huge red flag and actually just really creepy so besides being a red flag it's just repellant on it's own. These are the type of people who want to believe that that they look good when they don't and are too dumb to grasp how they appear. People who are looking for someone to solve all of their problems are just co-dependent and can't do anything on their own.

It's very hard to make friends as an adult. It's scary to try to make friends for me at this point. The best people seem to be honest and are not trying to prove themselves in anyway.

 

[mamachick]

I agree with what bloomin said. I do the same, try to ignore negative messages I have and its like disarming the fire alarm. I am a very accepting person when it comes to others flaws. I cant change what is in my heart, but I am learning to protect myself. I seem to have had too many friends with big issues, addictions, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), depression, etc. Because I am accepting, I have been so and encouraging, the problem is when they are in the active state of this and dump it on me, often pretending to be "working on it" and are really not.

I just watched a clip by Oprah with Maya Angelou where she talks about relationships in general. Maya Angelou said-when people tell you they are selfish, or crazy, or whatever-believe them, don't wait for them to show you 29 times before you believe them. I have been reflecting on that and can see where many have done this. One friend told me 20 yrs ago that she is a perfectionist and OCD and like things being perfect so does not try medications. How long does it take for all of my imperfections to be attacked. A man told me I am insecure....Sure enough....and it doesn't come out pretty. Anyway, it was a good clip and I could relate. Making the mistake over and over until we finally get it. Listening to all of our internal messages, gut feelings, and trusting in ourselves is key.

 

[Eleanor]

I must have watched that episode too - I've worked to internalize the rule "When people tell you what they are like, BELIEVE THEM." and it seems to be serving them well.

 

[jmni]

"When people tell you what they are like, BELIEVE THEM."

this is true.

 

[mamachick]

Yeah...some easy common sense. When they "seem" -(fill in the word), they probably are-trust your gut.

I can only speak for myself, but under this current low self esteem, I deserve much better.

 

[jmni]

I've made so many false "friends" over the years. I really regret them all and I have not kept one but in retrospect I wouldn't want to. I think there is maybe one person I've befriended in the past ten years that seems ok and to of meshed with me well and I do not have any contact with him. I'm starting to feel like all of these mistakes might of actually paid off and been worth it in some way. I wonder if at this point I have finally learned enough from my mistakes. I don't even feel like I need friends at this point and I guess that's a good thing.