Separation Anxiety/Panic Attacks

[Perspective11]

I don't know where to start with this.

A friend of mine has been in another country for the last 1 1/2 weeks now. He's from there and goes every year.

He told me he was going for 15 days. He has usually told me when he was leaving before he left. I joked around about how he was supposed to take me with him and leave me there. Everything seemed fine... until the day before he left.

I had a full blown panic attack as the thought of him leaving went through my mind... even though, I knew he was going to be coming back.

This is only the 2nd full blown one that I can remember. The first one, the middle of April, put me in the ER after the ambulance people showed up telling me that I *needed* to go.

Maybe I should back up a bit without going into too much detail.

He has been the person I've gone to about everything the last 3 years. I wouldn't go as far as saying that I'm co-dependent, but I am dealing with a lot of separation anxiety since he's left. I don't know if this has to do with him being gone, since the only way we have usually communicated was through emails, and the few occasions that we've run into each other at the college. This might have to do with what happened a few years ago... me being raped and beat up everyday for 6 months by 4 guys that threatened his life... I don't hear from him when he's out of the country.

Every time he has left the country, I've drank and got high more. I haven't this time. My addiction brain is being triggered though, only making this situation worse than it is already.

I have literally only slept for a half hour the last 12 days now... nothing has helped. I don't feel tired, but my anxiety is skyrocketing. I'm not in counseling - not my choice - the state's choice, which is a whole other story that I won't go into right now - don't want to make this too long.

Every thing that I have read about separation anxiety is what is happening to me, except for the fact that I'm 28, not an infant/child.

I know its unrealistic anxiety. I do have abandonment issues, and I know that is playing a part in this. I just wish it would stop.

 

[Perspective11]

Even though there's no responses, I'm updating this.

Last night he emailed me after sending him one while having a panic attack - I wanted everything to stop - he didn't understand... so he asked basically what I was talking about and told me that he's out of town (which I already knew, but it did help my anxiety go down). Completely caught me off guard because he's never emailed me when he's out of the country.

Apparently, I just needed to hear from him to know that he was ok. When those guys were hurting me and threatening his life, it seems as if their threats regarding him did more damage than what they did to me for 6 months. I finally was able to get 5 hours of sleep - my anxiety went way down.

When i went to sleep, I had my usual "safety dream" regarding him. I was completely calm and everything was ok when he was around. It is nice when I don't have the nightmares of everything bad that has happened. I started keeping a dream journal - at least this way it has helped with anxiety.

I have a difficult time explaining how things have been - I never thought that I would still be talking to him after his class ended 3 years ago... and him being brought up by those guys - there's a lot of worry there.

 

[Deleted member 541]

If you are not in therapy, I would suggest that you find a therapist and work on this issue....You may not realize it, but you could be pushing him away. Many people don't like to be around people that are needy, it's draining, and it basically pushes them away.

 

[Perspective11]

State is saying I don't need therapy. Letter in the mail from my insurance saying "your issues aren't severe enough" even though I'm on disability for my PTSD. It's been frustrating with no options of every single place that I've tried - they either don't accept my insurance or tell the insurance people that my issues aren't severe enough for counseling. Being on disability, I don't have the funds to pay for sessions myself. It's gotten to the point where I've attempted suicide while dissociating many times after getting those letters time and time again. The counseling that I was in was only for drugs/alcohol - them thinking that those things were causing my PTSD, which was my only way of coping at the time. I felt like I had to lie just to get SOME type of help somewhere. The counselors there were very unprofessional and unethical - getting literally yelled at by one of them before I walked out because of it. There was other things at that place that I can't go into due to confidentiality reasons, but I was always being put in the middle of ex counselors and clients, issues between ex counselors and current counselors, etc. It was doing way more damage to me than anyone should have been put through.

He knows the situation. He knows me more than anyone else in my life does. And I have tried to push him away before - last March was really bad afterward, when I tried to shoot myself but the gun wouldn't go off when it was pointed at me, only it would towards the field.

Regarding yesterday, it was full panic of just not hearing from him. He knows about how I was beat up and raped for 6 months by those 4 guys and him being threatened is why I didn't tell anyone about it. The only communication we've had since his class has been through emails and a couple of times on campus when he's walked up and started a conversation. I've mentioned to him about pushing others away in my life and how I didn't want to do that to him, it took 3 years before that one time in March... I felt so bad about it that I tried to shoot myself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you on Washington state Medicaid, or Medicare? I know things vary from state to state, but this just seems ridiculous! I am on disability for PTSD and there has never been a question of whether or not I need care. You have hospitalization benefits, I assume? I hate to say it, but a hospitalization or two might move you from the "doesn't need therapy" to the "most definitely needs therapy" category.

 

[Perspective11]

Yes, I'm on one of those. I am not sure which one; always get them mixed up. It has been very frustrating, to say the least. Asking people for help is difficult enough, but when I'm getting denied the help that I need/want and being denied makes it 10 times worse. Getting that letter in the mail from my health insurance "Your issues aren't severe enough for counseling services." was one of the worst things they could have said. After that I ended up trying to kill myself, just because of that letter... made me think "ok, well that just means I'm not important enough to help." I've been in psych ward, residential treatment homes, etc when I was a teenager (then kicked to the curb as soon as I turned 18) for suicide attempts... but now that they find out its PTSD causing the majority of my issues they just want to forget about me - when I'm begging (basically) for help to make my life better. And I've been to the hospital a few times this last year for suicide attempts, panic attacks, etc. still my issues aren't severe enough... so many people end up killing themselves because no one cares (or that's what they think), including the people that have the jobs to help those people.