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Seperated, but struggling to talk to my partner about what to do with our house


New Here
Sorry if this is the wrong place to post this sort of thing, just don't know where else to ask.

To make a long story short, after therapy it was revealed to me that I had Complex PTSD (fawn type reaction) likely from being in a psychologically abusive relationship (she is not diagnosed but my therapist suspects she is a narcissist).

After many false starts I have left the relationship and am currently living at my aunt's place.

My partner and I own a house and I am still paying my share of the mortgage repayments whilst she is staying there. I would like to get the house valuated so we know what it's worth which means we can decide what to do next - sell and split the profits, she buys me out, or I buy her out.

The problem is that she's being impossible to talk to. Whenever I open a conversation about what to do with the house it devolves into her asking questions about me, my health, our relationship, or anything else, until I say something she can cling on to and blow up into a big issue ("you said you were unwell yesterday, but you went to work today!") which usually results in her saying very some nasty things about me (she has called me a "f*cking c*nt", accused me of faking our entire relationship, has called me "thick", etc). Our conversations end with me trying to hold my boundaries but her just manipulating me and making me feel, well, like an evil arsehole.

People I've spoken to before simply don't get it. They say stuff like "stick to your boundaries", but they don't understand how narcissists can blur the lines of those boundaries or manipulate them for their own needs. I'm not bulletproof - I have C-PTSD established from exactly this kind of anger and behaviour so I react very strongly towards it even though I am aware of my reactions. It annoys me a lot that people think I can just switch it off.

I'm not sure what to do next. I don't want to go to a lawyer - I simply cannot afford it - but any advice is appreciated.
It annoys me a lot that people think I can just switch it off.
It’s less about switching it off, it’s about predictable is preventable.

Simplest solution?

1. Suck it up & talk to a lawyer.
Because this is a legal matter, and the laws vary state by state, and country by country.

IN MY AREA, what a lawyer would reccomend as a place to start…

((in addition to keeping a record of every attempt you have made to discuss this / come to an agreement without involving the courts, plus your first contact with the lawyer, and copy of the certified letter, and all of her replies/diversions/etc.))

…Send her a certified letter that if she will not talk with you about valuing & selling &/or buying out the property, then your half of the mortgage payment will go to pay an attorney & the courts can decide how the property shall be valued & divested.

Doesn’t cost you a dime (as you now have your half of the mortgage at your disposal for legal fees, until/unless the courts order her to pay your legal fees as you made good faith effort to settle out of court), and is minimal time -on your part- with no collapsing into an emotional puddle & resulting fallout.

Between the record of your texts, this letter, and your ongoing payment of a house you no longer live in? That’s ‘good faith effort’ in spades.

2. Much more complicated & potentially expensive solution?

Involve a 3rd party,
who doesn’t mind escalation, and be prepared to pay tens of thousands in legal fees should things escalate.

3. (2nd) Most expensive & time consuming option?

Spend the next several months / years continuing to pay a mortgage in a place you do not live, (
setting history/precedent/by agreement, which means little to none of that money will be recoverable AND you are responsible for all of your own legal fees) until you learn to have boundaries & to manage your stress/stressors/triggers.


MOST expensive options? Avoid the issue entirely & Continue to pay the mortgage until it’s paid off, or allow the house to fall into foreclosure losing the asset entirely.
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Yes, it’s time to consult a lawyer. In the USA it’s not advisable to purchase a home with someone you aren’t married to as the splitting of property is more difficult, for obvious reasons.
There are lawyers that volunteer to help people in abusive situations. If you reach out to a local crisis shelter they may be able to make some recommendations.
Never getting divorced now after almost 34 years for just this reason. Too expensive! The lawyers take the money or way too much of it . Good luck anyway I hope you get out of it ok.