Set Backs In Therapy

[desiderata310]

Tuesday's session was hard, really hard on me. I am super sensitive to noise so we meet early morning to avoid other people in the office (as dumb as it sounds it took me a while to realize that was the reason we were meeting at 7:30 in the morning). I had also had a very tough time over the weekend dealing with a realization about my PTSD and dealing with my therapist's anxious insistence that I get a service dog. (I am not opposed to the idea, just dealing with my ideas of what it means) I posted about that this weekend here. Then there's the fact that I am in PHYSICAL therapy and I had a bad session there because the PT was TOUCHING me, which as you can imagine, ended REALLY well.

So, yeah. I was already not in such a good place when we started that morning.

My therapist brings his pet dog to therapy with him because it helps me. That particular morning I was relying pretty heavily on that dog. While we were in session (and doing... okish) someone came in the office. I froze, dissociated, focused on the dog (who also jumped up at the same time I reacted). It turns out that it was another therapist who had an early morning session but that didn't matter. I was pretty much lost for the rest of the session. The therapist's dog was the only reason I was able to stay there. I focused on the dog and when he relaxed, I relaxed.

My therapist was talking.. and this is hard to remember because I was so dissociated and anxious at this point, about all the set backs I've had in therapy this year: we spend a good 6 months on finally getting a restraining order, there was the noise at the old office(which caused me to have flashbacks), the new office, the construction at the new office, the problems with my insurance, my trust issues with my therapist... *Sigh* My therapist said that the last one was unique to my PTSD in a ways that it would not be unique to a combat vet is that while they have many of the same reactions they don't have AS HARD a time trusting their therapist. Since my trauma was at the hands of a supposed loved one, it made it harder to trust him (OH GOD DOES IT EVER. I still don't trust him)

*sigh* I just wonder if I am spinning my wheels. Am I EVER going to make any headway with all this?!
Understandable or not, shouldn't I be ... further along.. or ... I don't know...

I still feel I should be done or further along or .. something.

 

[scout86]

My T likes to say, "I'd like you to deal with this as fast as you can. Not faster." That last bit is important, but easy to over look.

I honestly don't see those things you listed as "set backs". I see them as "challenges". And, they are either challenges that you've over come, or things that you're working on. Not set backs.

In my horse training experience, there have been a few where nothing goes wrong and no complications ever arise. Things come easy, there is no struggle and there are no bad days. Those guys worry me. They worry me because someday something's going to go horribly wrong and they may or may not be able to deal with it. They've never had the chance to learn to deal with stuff going wrong. Most of the time, the ones who struggle, who go down every possible wrong road and a few I never thought of before they find the answer I wanted them to find, those guys learn their lessons very very well, in the end and have a much more solid understanding of what's going on than the ones who never struggle.

From here, it DOESN'T look like you're spinning your wheels and it DOES look like you're making progress. Maybe not "progress" as you originally imagined it, but "progress" never the less.

Having a dog isn't as big a pain as it seems like it might be, before you get one. My 2 go with me nearly everywhere and they aren't certified anything. They sleep in the car while I'm working, but they go along on all road trips. It's not that hard to arrange. It's nice to know that there's someone who's always going to be on your side, even if they jumped up on the counter and ate the butter while you weren't looking. (Really more of a cat thing!)

Hang in there! (Who is it that's always saying "Feelings are not facts"?)

 

[Intrepid]

I have many times told my therapist that I was done, that there's nothing else she could do for me. But then I come up with something new.

But this is after 25 years of mostly spinning my wheels in therapy. Most of those therapists never got past my distrust. I sure wish I could have found a short cut, but in retrospect there weren't any.

Truth is, I'm pretty glad now that I struggled through all that.

Oh, and when I get hit with the flashbacks now, or dissociated, that's the best times to let it all out. (Or to tell my therapist how I cannot let it all out.) I have to allow myself to rediscover the craziness some how.

Keep up the good work.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Throw away the shoulds.

Maybe you'll get better, maybe you won't. Healing is different for everyone.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't see what you describe at setbacks at all - but signs of your endurance and how much hell you have been through in the past.

I've been seeing my therapist for a year. I have been ok treatment before her with good therapists. I still struggle to trust. It is finally getting easier, but it took years to get even as far as I have.

Maybe some people with different kinds of trauma would not struggle with trust - but holy cow, I know people without any PTSD or trauma who struggle to trust. And therapists are hard to trust. It's a weird one sided relationship. Throw in trauma... And I do not see it as a setback that you don't trust him, but as a sign of progress that you are still there and you still try. That is HUGE.

I know you are discouraged it took so long to get a restraining order. But many people never do it at all. Also, if you went any faster, it may have set you back even more. The same is true of the other things you listed as setbacks. It takes the time it takes, and it doesn't mean you failed - but that you continued to do the best you could with what you had.

I can see why you see it as setbacks though, and I'll tell you what a therapist told me: there will always be setbacks. It's impossible to avoid them. They are an inevitable part of the process of healing. The most important thing is to not quit when they happen.

You have not quit. You have hung in when may would have not. You are an inspiration in my eyes.

Be kind to you. Learn from the setbacks, but don't forget the successes.

 

[Cool Cat]

I think you're doing really well considering the situations. Also, lol I would LOVE the opportunity to have a dog, maybe you could try it out for a week? Dogs are so loyal.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I think you're doing amazing. All of those setbacks and you've been working through each one. Maybe it hasn't been smooth, but healing isn't usually. Let go of the questions of "should I" and "shouldn't I" it won't help. It is what it is and if you keep showing up, things will work out for you. The path towards healing will slowly become clearer and clearer, but it is a heck of a journey. I am so proud that you are continuing to show up and that you are trying. That is huge all by itself.