Setbacks For Sexual Assault Victim: Friends Touching Me, Unlucky Dating

[Broken Dahlia]

Looking for your own role in an event is not the same as blaming you for the event

In this instance it is. If she told the guy not to touch her and he continues to touch her how is it helpful to examine her role in this? What would you do in this situation? My therapist read the entire thread because I was so upset by it. She thought my gut instinct was correct, this IS victim blaming. Bringing up alternative examples isn't helpful. When they physically put their hands on you and don't understand the word "no," how is it helpful to examine your role in their obviously inappropriate behavior?sorry for weird quote, can't fix

 

[Friday]

Bringing up alternative examples isn't helpful.

It may not be for you, but that doesn't mean that it won't be helpful for everyone.

For myself, when I'm too close to a thing, I often have to step back & look at what's similar/what's different to be able to see it at all.

how is it helpful to examine your role in their obviously inappropriate behavior?

In this specific case?

1 - I end up looking for crumbs of affection from the wrong people
2 - until recently I didn't even know boundaries existed, then it took me a while to teach myself that I deserve to use them // "you're worthless" from the people closest
3 - Normally I freeze, so I guess none (aka no boundaries)
4 - It's easier with strangers

((this right here? Easier with strangers? Is HUGE. It has a whole lot of possible things in it; most basically
- Not being able to say no to anyone is one thing,
- Not being able to say no to friends is another, and
- Not being able to say no to strangers but only people you know well is a 3rd.

And then there are several dozen other possiblilities in between, and that spin off of those 3 options, and on the other end of the huge list of places to take this is... Practical application;

- How to practice and get comfortable saying no & applying boundaries? Work with your strengths. Since it's easier with strangers? Practice on strangers! :)
- However, since the end goal is to be comfortable saying no & having boundaries with both friends and strangers? Keeping that in mind as one practices, so it doesn't become even more polarized as being "okay" with strangers, but "not okay" with friends. Nope. It's okay with both.
Just practicing, here.
- As well as knowing that it becomes more difficult the closer the relationship? That strangers being practiced on will start to become closer, so working on that transition & awareness of who she is choosing to get closer to. Is it her conscious choice, who her friends become? Or is it because those who ignore her boundaries as strangers "somehow end up" as friends, the people she's close to & cannot say no to, but freezes...aka a self perpetuating cycle. ))

And all of that's just the tip of the iceberg. From one line of looking at her role in who is it easier/most difficult to say no, to?

***
The more one is aware of their own role? (Their actual role, neither learned helplessness nor overreaching / taking responsibility for things that are not theirs.) The more power one has.

 

[LanaD]

It may not be for you, but that doesn't mean that it won't be helpful for everyone.

For myself, wh...

I'm sure you mean well but your post is translating into a big rock on my chest, like an anxiety attack, and making me feel nauseous - I'm trying not to throw up. Maybe I've got it wrong but all I read is, "Duh! How does she not know all this? What does she expect? Sometimes it IS her fault." I can't help but imagine that if you knew about the things that have happened to me you might say, "Men think you're pretty, so your role that time you were assaulted by a group of men was you weren't wearing a burqa" and "Your role in being assaulted at work is accepting a job with a man who would assault you."

What I also read, and maybe my perception is wrong but at the moment it's what I see, is "boundaries are SO obvious so obviously practice them. How could she not know that!"

Again you probably mean well but reading your post just set me back a couple steps, so I'm going to stop following this thread.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

I'm sure you mean well but your post is translating into a big rock on my chest, like an anxiety attack,...

@LanaD, I feel the same way. If this is the mentality that is supported here I think I might leave the forum. I have been here for awhile, but the semantics game is getting in the way of the purpose of this site, support. I'm going to take my trauma therapist's word over internet strangers, and she called this victim blaming. Listen to your gut- those words felt wrong because they are. They are blaming and serve to shift attention away from the abuser's behavior to yours. My therapists have encouraged me away from this kind of thinking because it is dangerous and hurtful. I've been to a lot of therapy, I'm not new at this. Frankly I'm stunned that I am even encountering this kind of regressive thinking here of all places. I'm sorry you have to deal with this on top of your real stuff. Feel free to message me privately if you want, I care about what happens to you.

 

[Friday]

Look. I'm just one person. What works best for me won't work best for everyone else. Period. Some of the things that work best for me will work best for someone else, some of the things will work worst. And vice versa. I don't represent the site, I'm not staff, I'm just a chick with PTSD answering a question. If my answers don't work for you? Don't use them. Or use the ignore function and don't even see anything I write. There is a huge wealth of experience & differing view points & personality on the site. Which makes any one persons' experience & observation? Just that. One person's. Take what you like & discard the rest.

I will however, say that the conclusion of "You're pretty, wear a burka." & "Duh! How can she not know this?" are both completely wrong. The first is pretty much the exact opposite of my point in what I was writing, and the second not my intention at all when writing it. If I think someone knows something? I don't waste my time trying to explain it.

 

[The Albatross]

I agree with Eve and Friday... a one off... is one thing but a pattern is another. It seems pretty clear that there may be some faulty decision making or a "role" in the PATTERN. I had that... and pretty much got told my home was so flat out violent and dysfunctional that I had a broken "people picker", no boundaries, and no voice or ability to get myself out and away from unsafe people... because EVERYBODY in my bio family and my ex (and the people we all were close - supposedly- to) were unsafe people. I had to realize that about myself and endeavor to learn what to do about it. It's not victim blaming or shaming... I was conditioned not to have boundaries or a voice or be able to fight back. Until my life was at stake then I started fighting so I could still be breathing.

 

[The Albatross]

Lana... there is a broad spectrum of people here with a broad spectrum of takes and personal experiences. " If this is the mentality that is supported here I think I might leave the forum"... she says, but it isn't only the mentality of a couple two now three respondents, it is your shrinks as well.

Not having skills or being able to remove yourself from an unwanted situation or make good decisions isn't really you're fault. It wasn't mine, but I dang sure needed to bring myself up to speed pronto to stop unwanted situations and consequences, ya know?

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. I know one thing... all the sympathy or empathy in the world didn't teach me a thing about how to handle or what to do "next time" or to recognize a situation was precarious and give me the tools to get myself out of it. I needed peers for that and to listen to my shrink and to do the work.

 

[The Albatross]

I highly recommend for anybody, secular on non secular/faith based the book: Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is an annual re-read for me ever since it fell into my hands. Lots of eye opening stuff in there.