Setting Boundries When It Comes To Hurtful Words

[Fadeaway]

Didn't take me as long to walk as I though. The birth certificate issue is a bit more complicated than that. My grandmother never allowed me to have access to my birth certificate. When I got my drivers license she presented it, but told me she didn't trust me to have it. It was never a problem until I moved out of state and my California drivers license was about to expire. I got the paperwork notarized and sent the $25 off to California for my birth certificate. They said 6 weeks. During that time my licenses expired. 9-10 still nothing. I called explained the situation, gave them my info and they said they had no records of me. I am on S.S.D.I so the government clearly has records of me.

After months of fighting tying to figure out who could help me, a local homeless agency said they could help me, and even pay for it...one catch, I have to have a valid i.d. for a notary. I had my grandmother mail me my b.c. but she deliberately sent it to the wrong address. When it never came I asked her and she told me "I sent it to west street" After I clearly explained to her that all streets in Utah pretty much are number with west east south or north. depending on if it was north of the temple or east of the temple. Finally, she relented and sent me photo copy of a birth certificate. This had a different last name than the one I grew up using and a different county than the one I was born in with a stamp saying it had been amended 3 years after my birth. So I have more info now, but without a picture I.D. I still can't do anything.

 

[Fadeaway]

My husband did this before about this time last year. Most of the time he is not like this. Normally my biggest complaint about him is that he can't comfort me or handle it when I have panic attacks. Other than that he treats me well. There are qualities I do want to stick around for that I don't think I could find with anyone else. My friends only see that side of him though so they always tell me how jealous they are. Whereas you guys hear about the worst. There are also things about me that would bother most guys that he doesn't care about, Weird habits and stuff that are about avoiding trigger and general stress stuff. I don't shave my legs most of the time. Not because I am against it or anything it is just one less thing to do when my stress cup is full. I don't fold the bed or hang up clothes that don't get wrinkled. Just a lot of little things that have bugged every guy I have been with but him.

@scout86 You are pretty much right on. We just went through 6 months of financial hell and no money. Faced eviction, loss of car and electricity. So he is working two jobs right now to dig us out of the whole. 3 days out of the week he is working 9am-1am between both jobs and then 2 days each per job where he only has to work one job. He doesn't get a day off and I know it is killing him. That is why it is a very temporary situation I put a time limit of 4 months only, just until we are caught up then he can go back to one job. I guess he resents me because I am on disability, but I am far more responsible with money than he is. Budgeting and finances stress him out so he is happy to let me handle the money and bills. Which works for me. He may work, but I take care of everything else.

 

[hodge]

Does your SS card not count as a valid ID?

Maybe your state legislator or senator can help? Can't hurt to ask. I've been wracking my brain trying to think of how you can get a photo ID, and if the homeless agency can't help, I'm lost. We help people get IDs all the time. My brother is an excellent caseworker for our homeless center. I'm going to ask him what he thinks.

 

[hodge]

Just emailed my brother. I'll let you know what he says.

 

[Friday]

Not talk to him when his back hurts, he's cranky, & half asleep?

 

[hodge]

Hey, Fade, just heard back from my brother. This is what he said:


Yes I have dealt with this and very similar situations so you have come to the right place. Generally, the only thing that you cannot amend on a birth certificate is the last name. Mostly anything else can be easily amended with an affidavit. She will likely need to gather all documents reflecting the last name that she has been using through her life and I'm assuming that she has the birth record with her legal last name ( that does not match the name she has always used). She will probably need to get a court order to present to the county clerk. I have had several clients spend their entire life including serving in the military and receiving social security under the incorrect last name. Their parents think they are doing them a favor by not letting them get embarrassed by having a different last name than the parents but this is the huge problem it creates for the child later in life. My first client with this issue was 25 years ago (Deana). If her parents are alive, they can probably avoid the courts depending on the laws in Minnesota. Give her my name and Ray of Hope phone number and have her call me. I should be able to help guide her over the phone on what she needs to do.


My brother's name is Mark . Sorry, they don't have an 800 number. But he's quite experienced. He'll be in the office for another hour today at least.

 

[Powder]

Two things, I agree with Friday, avoid him when he's in HALT or pain or getting ready for work, or you can sense the bad mood.

But, if you can't tell, and you still get this treatment, whatever boundary you set, he's gonna cross it. It's not personal to you, but rather who he is as a person.

Believe someone when they tell you who they are the first time. Maya Angelo. This is not just for women, kids, men, anyone can apply this truism when they feel in their heart that it describes their painful situation.

I feel that you are in crisis and survival mode most of the time, keeping you stuck and not allowing healing, which is a different kind of painful, good hurt.

Sorry to double post. The edit button no longer exists on the forum for me as of two weeks ago.

I re-read your post, last line. That's too mean, comes to mind. Also/or He may be smiling or laughing to vent his own anger, that happens, but still go outside or do whatever calms you down. Doesn't matter what he does. You're not doing it to punish him, you're doing it for yourself.

 

[Friday]

This is totally unasked for advice, so take it with a large grain of salt...

My post above was purely in response to "what boundary to lay" >>> When he does X, then I do Y.

However... I get the feeling that there are soooooo many huge things going on in both of your lives and your marriage, that what keeps happening is that you guys are tripping over icebergs. Tiny issues become huge issues, because they're attached to huge issues, but the huge issues go almost completely unnoticed because all of the energy is spent trying to deal with the tiny issues.

Perfect Examples :

The Eggs & Harsh Words. I don't think either is actually the issue, (so it won't matter how many times you deal with it, or how effectively). They're the tiny tip of the icebergs. Actual issues? You haven't eaten in 3 days & are dealing with starvation side effects; while he's dealing with exhaustion & pain. Both of which are a result of extreme poverty.

Meaning if you actually want to effectively deal with the eggs & harsh words? Stop focusing your energy on them, and step back, and focus your energy on what's driving them. Starvation & Exhaustion. (Not the only icebergs in play, but still using this as an example).

You both are well aware of the overarching situation (hence the 2 jobs, timeline, etc.), and are clearly taking steps to deal with it in the long term. But the foundational problems in the day-to-day I feel are getting missed because of the bright/shiny side effects of those problems. I think you'll find a lot fewer side effects / stop tripping over icebergs if you can redirect your energies towards them.

- How to combat starvation?
- How to help someone who is chronically (but temporarily) exhausted? ((For this one, think new parents, or severe illness like cancer.))

Again, Fade, this is just my gut feeling.

***

ETA... One other PTSD piece? If poverty/starving was part of your trauma history? Are you reenact ing any of it? Meaning helplessness when you don't need to be or viewing your husband as a parent who "needs" to be providing things (like going to the store?), that if you weren't enacting, you could very easily do for yourself? Just a stray thought. When situations repeat I often find myself on autopilot with the same assumptions running as fact in my head, even though the situation is completely different. It's f*cking subtle. But his comments about nagging just made me wonder if part of that is you treating him much more like a child or as a child than your normal relationship. Which, again, would be a byproduct of starving, but this one equalling being triggered and changing your normal dynamic into the dynamic from years past. Neither piece may be part of your trauma history (having to constantly push-push-push someone to get your needs met, because of an inability to meet your needs yourself, and their unwillingness or inability to do so without being manipulated into it). Really, just a stray thought. I may be totally off the mark.

 

[scout86]

Really, just a stray thought. I may be totally off the mark.

You might be, but that's kind of what I was thinking too. Because, as I remember from other posts, sometimes he's great. And because, under the right kind of stress, I can get pretty sarcastic and crabby. It's hard to work on this stuff when you're both at the ends of your respective ropes, but that seems like the answer. Figure out what can be done to either unload a little from each of your stress cups, or a way to expand the cup, or something.

I'm hoping @hodge 's brother can help with the ID. I'm 100% sure there's a way to solve that problem because it's the kind of problem that happens and needs to be dealt with. If the court house had burned to the ground with the only copy of your birth certificate, there'd be a way to fix it. I don't suppose you still have your CA DL? Because seems to me that's a photo ID, even if it's expired.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Friday you definitely have a point. And yes, I do have trauma around being poverty/hunger as a kid. Yes, it does invoke a feeling of helplessness and I hate it. We aren't broke ATM I got my S.S. check but he had all the money on him. Our bank account got shut down in December for being overdrawn for to long so cash and a prepaid card is what we have. I would avoid talking to him if at all possible. Unfortunately, I might 1/2 hour window out of the day I can discuss immediate needs with him. Things like figuring out the logistics of getting a money order to pay the rent and food. Discussions about issues with our relationship are on hold for obvious reasons.