General Setting Themselves Up For Anger?

[Toria]

I really wasn't sure what to call this Thread, so I'll explain my morning this morning and then see...

I have X number of things to do on a morning as does Husband. He gets up 10 minutes earlier, feeds the dogs and makes the packed lunches. I come down, have a coffee with him and walk the dog. That's the norm.

Today, he came downstairs and washed up. I came downstairs and put dinner in the slow cooker. No lunches made, dog not been fed (didn't know that part) and we sat down for a coffee.

It got to 20 minutes before he needed to leave and he said he'd walk the dog. Dog needs more than 20 minutes so I said I would do it on the way in to work - nice village, no mud! He was determined and went off anyway. I made lunches and went next door to feed their animals (they're on holiday).

I was just locking the back door when Husband came in ranting and raving about Dog being all muddy, nearly being run over and how he was now late for work. He stormed out of the house - but not before asking "what the f***'s up with you?" Me? I just stood there and watched the display.

He just came in to see me in work now - right as rain. No mention of anything.

So - my question - was he setting himself up for hassle and an argument, or was it simply trying to do too much and none of it going to plan?

New year, old routine - urgh!

 

[ill]

I'm guessing he was trying to do too much and none of it went according to plan, but in a way, that is setting himself up for hassle and argument. One of the most important things a sufferer can do for themselves and the people who love them is learn to manage themselves better. If he'd taken you up on your offer and did the lunch and animals, there would've been less stress for both of you. I hope that he apologized and took responsibility for being rude with you?

 

[Toria]

Hello ill and thank you for your reply. No... no apology. I think that's my biggest issue - not the mud, or the muddle. He stormed off and left me hurting. Then came in to work to see me and was all sweetness and light as if none of it ever happened. I have no idea if he even knows he was hurtful. Me being the eggshell-walking type, I'm not even sure how to ask him if he remembers what he said. Last time I tried that it all went truly horribly wrong! x

 

[MSMiller]

Hi Toria I get that a lot.

They seem to need to test to see if you will still be there for them no matter their behavior. I am not sure I would bring it up since I know how bad that can turn out. Just be grateful he seems to be over his mood and push forward...easier said than done!

 

[ill]

How did it go wrong?

I'm a sufferer with a(n undiagnosed) sufferer, and sometimes we snap at each other because we're stressed. I call him on it - he needs to be aware of himself and what he needs and I need him to not take his shit out on me. I'm willing to be understanding and supportive, but I need to feel safe and comfortable with him, so when he f*cks up (as we all do), he needs to take responsibility and address it by apologizing and incorporating the new info (and I ask him to call me on it and I do my work too). I don't think this is unreasonable or unfair though it did take time and was hard to put into practice. I also think it's been really important and helpful for us to talk about how we're going to deal with fights/disagreements before they happen by setting some ground rules - no name-calling, no accusations as much as possible, good faith and good will, I-statements.

How would you like your sufferer to handle things? What can he do to minimize the damage his anger might cause to your relationship?

 

[ill]

MSMiller - it seems like it would be really painful to just push forward. What about your feelings and well-being? They matter.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

I have learnt to communicate so much more since I have been in a relationship with my other half (a sufferer). I have come to realise how guilty I was in previous relationships of expecting my partner to be psychic and to know when they had upset/annoyed/offended me.

Although it can be easier said than done I usually try to walk away from any outburst from my partner. Once I have calmed down I will go to him and kiss his cheek/stroke his arm/something non-verbal and non-threatening to show that I care and haven't abandoned him, and will then leave him alone until he has calmed down too. If we're apart, like you were this morning, I will send a text with no words just kisses.

I used to go with the 'not worth bringing it up as it will cause more problems' approach, but found I was starting to feel as though my feelings didn't matter.

So now we talk about what happened and whoever was in the wrong will apologise. We might not talk about it right away, but we try to do it that day. Now we both know the conversation will happen it reassures both; he knows I'm not just going to give up and leave, and I know that he doesn't take me for granted.

 

[MSMiller]

I agree it can be and she may or may not be able to push forward.

This for me wasn't an incident that warranted my response and I felt he is fishing for a response. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of getting a rise. I have feelings and can admit to blowing back up and nothing good comes from that. Rather its best if it can to bring it up when all parties are calm. I have feelings and express them but I also like to choose my battles.

 

[Toria]

How would you like your sufferer to handle things? What can he do to minimize the damage his anger might cause to your relationship?

Now that's a good question!

For me, it's the fact that he quite regularly does this before leaving for work. That may speak volumes in itself... but he will be "hurtful" for want of a better word and then walk out the door on what I would call bad terms. I know as the Supporter here that I am actually more sensitive here - but only because he means so much to me. The amount of times I've driven to work in tears after things he has said on his way out of the door is more than I care to remember.

The one time I did tackle it triggered one almighty meltdown. Rocking backwards and forwards holding his head, sobbing, shaking. Saying everything was always his fault. It was always his fault. He was an awful person etc etc. Hence - I've not done it since. I did start to late last year and got "don't f***ing start that again" when I got upset.

So I just don't try anymore.

Edited to add: sorry ill - I've just realised I never did answer your question. An explanation of the anger - an "it's not you it's me" maybe! Unless it is me!!! Then I don't want to know... ;)

I am still learning - I learnt over Christmas that my indecision can make him angry. I try to use humour in these situations so he can see that indecision is no longer a matter of life or death. Sometimes it works, sometimes I get shouted at.

I'm not an angry person as a rule. I don't like conflict. I don't do arguments. I don't snipe at him for things he does and I would like it if he were more considerate towards my emotions and my feelings. Perhaps I need to be more considerate towards his?

 

[Purplemunchkin]

NI did start to late last year and got "don't f***ing start that again" when I got upset.

So you're not allowed to get upset?

I'm not an angry person as a rule. I don't like conflict. I don't do arguments. I don't snipe at him for things he does and I would like it if he were more considerate towards my emotions and my feelings. Perhaps I need to be more considerate towards his?

I'm exactly the same, and I felt that maybe I should push my feelings aside and just concentrate on his. But it isn't healthy, and will eventually break you and/or your relationship.

Your emotions and feelings are just as valid and important, you are probably just able to process and deal with them better. You need to know that and your husband needs to acknowledge it.

Your husband may have PTSD, but that doesn't give him a free pass to do things that he knows upset you, especially if he does it deliberately. He needs to know that there are consequences to his behaviour, one of which is that he upsets you.

Obviously there will be times when nothing is anywhere near as simple and as straight forward. And maybe a stressor is setting him off that you could both work towards avoiding/minimising.

Learning to talk to my sufferer about these things has been one of the biggest challenges in our relationship. But it has also made us so much happier and stronger together.

 

[AlamedaSunshine]

I flipped my lid because dinner didn't come out right. I hate that I cannot control my anger. Does anyone have advice on keeping calm? I hate that I have to apologize for something so out of my control :confused: