Severely Anxious - Seeing Husband For First Time In 2 Months

[Bubba]

So my husband called me last night because he's been reading my letters and wanted to talk. He is getting healthier in his own mental health recovery, but I am in full blown PTSD and separated from him 2 months ago after his mother attacked me and retraumatized me.

The same thing happened that always happens when we talk - I end up shutting down and he ends up hanging up eventually. Last night it was 2 hours. He decided he wanted to read me all 4 of the letters I sent him and make points and comments on different things I said. He wasn't mean or abusive at all, but just dealing with that make me curl up in a ball, shut my eyes and totally disassociate. I vaguely know what he was saying, but couldn't repeat it if I tried. I ended up taking a Xanax when we got off the phone. I was a mess and I needed to get some sleep (the night before was a bad night of nightmares).

Basically at the end of the call, he told me that the ball is in my court.

Today I got a text asking to see me for about an hour. He said he doesn't want to talk about him, me or us - he just wants to sit. I agreed. But I am feeling horrifically anxious right now. I'm having problems breathing and I feel shakey and a little panicky. I know I need to do this for our relationship - but I'm still scared. Last weekend I couldn't go to the grocery store without going into full blown panic/anxiety.

So - I'm just asking for prayers and support. I'm sure I'll be back online when I get home. Hopefully it won't last more than an hour and hopefully I won't shut down again. I'm praying for a good experience. He says he wants to support me and understands he's a trigger. We'll see how it goes.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

hi Bubba-
I hope all goes well for you. You have my support and prayers. I hope you will be centered when you do see him. I hope good things happen. I really hope you do not get triggered into an anxiety attack.

I'm rooting for you. Hugs.

 

[Tifanee]

Good luck Bubba, I'll be thinking of you and sending you the world of encouragement and hope for you to be present with your husband. Try to separate the husband that was a trigger from the man sitting in front of you. It sounds like he might be more aware of his actions and how they impacted you, and might be willing to find a healthier space to be with you. You can stay away from his mother all you want though...she sounds like a bad egg:D!
Hugs!

 

[piratelady]

I'll keep you in my thoughts Bubba. Good luck (Hugs)

 

[Bubba]

Thank you guys! It went ok I guess. I was shaking and couldn't breathe. I had a hard time looking at him and I found myself disassociating at times. He tried very hard to not be threatening but rather supportive and nice. Some things he said bothered me, but intellectually I know it's just because he is naive.

We talked a little bit about the attempted rape on me when I was 7 and how I got PTSD from that event and then had other recurring traumas. He couldn't wrap his head around how I could get PTSD when I wasn't actually raped. I tried to explain to him that at 7 years old, you don't understand what is happening - you just know it's bad. I had cried and screamed my way out of that situation. Thank goodness the boy didn't actually rape me - but I don't think that makes my reaction to it any less severe. Obviously it affected me deeply and then my parents dismissal or rather ignoring it's affect on me - is what brought on the PTSD - and at such a young age - how do you deal with that when there is no one to listen to you and you are constantly told to just be quiet and put a smile on your face? I thought about that boy and that day literally every day for 4+ years before I had the courage to bring it up again to my mom - who simply said "everybody has something in their past - you'll get over it". How can someone judge my reaction to that at that age?

Anyhow - I knew I had to see him if I ever want to try to save my marriage. Today I'm quite down. I have no energy and don't feel like doing anything. He gave me a sleeping pill to help me sleep. I slept, but woke up early crying and my hands were clenched into fists - I don't remember anything, but I know I had nightmares. So exhausted today. I don't know if I'll do much of anything. I hate days like this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Bubba)))
Wow you did it. You tried your best, and you were yourself no one can tell you that you are doing it wrong. You are going through a difficult time in your life.

Sorry you are feeling so bad today. Try to give yourself the "treatment" and pamper yourself and take extra special care of you today.

Hopefully it won't last and you will be feeling better really soon. You did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:cool:

Big hugs.

 

[Bubba]

Hey Gizmo - thank you the support!!! You are so sweet and your words made me cry (a good cry). I am going to just chill today. I just have to keep that IC and perfectionist side of me at bay and let myself just veg. I know that's probably the best thing for me.

Your support means so much! It's so nice to have a place to go to to vent and to get actual true support back with no judgments. I LOVE this site :inlove:

 

[Tifanee]

All you can do Bubba is take one minute at a time, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are working in a healthy direction by facing your husband instead of retreating. Take the time for yourself today to just shut life out and veg. You need that time to regroup and process what happened last night. I am thinking of you and wishing you some relaxed couch time! Hugs!