Severely Depressed Due To Memory Loss...anyone?

[Deleted member 25711]

I've crippled by depression due to my PTSD. I suffered severe memory loss due to a brain injury and have lost memories of my children growing up. My children mean more to me than anything. Photos of them traumatize me...I am constantly reminded of things I no longer remember. My husband minimizes my pain.

I've never been this depressed in my life. I'm angry because it didn't have to be. I'm not soothed because we have grounds for a lawsuit. I don't want pity. I would like hope. I feel like my children are strangers. It's devastating. Does anyone have words of encouragement or know others who have survived severe memory loss and lived full lives? I hate my 13 and 16 year old see me suffer. Mindfulness techniques aren't working, nor meditation. Advise, thoughts? I feel so alone.

 

[WendyA]

(((((Hugs)))))

I don't have that kind of memory loss, mine is minor compared to that. I do sort of have a similar situation when it comes to feeling. I have 3 beautiful amazing children and while I can remember them and some memories from them growing up, I don't have any feelings toward them. I know in my brain logically that I love them still, but when they are hurting (because of me) or whatever I just can't feel. I don't cry right along with them or feel that love I had for them. It is disgusting to me and I hate it. I never had memories really from growing up or even when my kids were young, very few. I don't know why. So the memory thing has always kind of plagued me. I have taken so many pictures to try and help that for me, but I look at the pictures and don't remember the moments that they were taken, most of the time. Sometimes if they were strong enough memories I guess I remember. I have NO idea what I'm writing or if it is at all relevant or helpful for you in terms of having someone validate your feelings and identify with you, but this is a good place to be and there are a lot more helpful people on here than I, so your post should give you some hope. You are not alone, not really.

 

[Deleted member 25711]

@WendyA @Thank you for writing. Please, don't judge yourself for feeling disgusted. I'm not a doctor ... , but I'm wondering if what your experiencing is de-realization or de-personizatiin. Again, I have no credentials what so ever. I know other people who describe almost exactly what you do and have been diagnosed with de-realization and de-personalization. It is common, from what I understand from research, to experience this distressing anxiety fueled condition due to PTSD. It is a protective mechanism. I experience this numbness all the time...I hate it. I try to label it as a side effect. Acceptance is the hard part. I understand therapy helps, not judging it helps. It's the PTSD talking and it is soul crushing. from what I understand, side-effect of PTSD. By saying you are "disgusted" tells me you have a deep love for your children. It is impossible to express the pain of feeling numb towards your children. Yes, I get that same feeling that also goes with depression. Looking at pictures triggers it, art the kid's created, you know the drill. The anxiety starts pumping.

I'm so early in this PTSD diagnosis to learn how to quell the anxiety. I'm hoping I will learn how to "ground," etc...Maybe we'll be on the same path of healing. In the meantime, it is a lonely haul and I'm glad I don't feel so alone. Thank you for sharing.

Hugs.