For the most part, I'm asexual. Sex does not exist. I am still human, though.
Trying to get past the sexual side of my PTSD and traumas is impossible. I simply don't have sex, and havn't since 1/2000. And if I could, I wouldn't. I have had the opportunity over the years, but I don't do it. It's a religion thing.
I know what I have done, myself, to "heal" from what I have been through, is not generally an accepted practice.
You see, even though I was molested by family, there are still lessons I learned there that has helped me a lot. In particular, to love myself before I can love another person. Love myself, that is important. My family was essentially "repressed nudists". We didn't do it around people. Now, this does complicate things as I am pretty confident that my grandfather molested me. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't.
But what I have known for a long time is to love yourself. I love myself. I accept myself, in the entirety. And being a nudist helps with that. I don't go around flaunting myself naked to the world, instead I'll save my "interests" for when I have a reasonable amount of privacy.
I used to be scared of being undressed. I used to have nightmares of being naked. I had so many poor thoughts in my head, I don't know how I could have lived. But loving myself, accepting myself, undressed, has helped me accept myself dressed. I no longer have nightmares of myself undressed. Yes I still have nightmares and daymares and flashbacks and panic attacks. It happens. But they happen far less if I feel safe. And if I am safe enough to be undressed, that alone cuts down on the nightmares, daymares, flashbacks and panic attacks by 2/3. To me it helped. Maybe to you it would help. I don't know.
For a long time I experimented with different ideas and theories on dealing with PTSD. That alone was the best time spent.
I found that what helps me is to be undressed. And I will say "it wasn't my fault. I did nothing to deserve any of this. I am safe now. No one can or will do to me what has happened before."
I dunno.. To me, it works.
Being open about sexuality and sexual issues is difficult for me, not that it's *for me* difficult, instead where it's discussed. In other forums (not related to myptsd) if I speak anything heterosexual-related, I get in trouble. Yet they can (in most cases) have homosexual discussions, openly discuss sexual activity, and it's all okey dokey. To me that feels totally wrong. Granted, they are private sites, but to me it seems like common sense to treat everyone equally and fairly. Private website or not.
But there are two things my boss said that made a world of difference. He hired me specifically to deal with trespassers, and under state law, that gives me the authority to arrest. Here you have two kinds of arrest. A lawful arrest by law enforcement and a citizen's arrest. Then there is an arrest by acting agent. If anyone tries to do anything harmful to, or prohibited by, the ranch, I can arrest them outright. The sheriff hates that. My probation officer didn't like that too well (my boss told me if my PO goes anywhere up there, he better have a warrant, or I can arrest him). So if anyone gives me crap up here, I can kindly let them know they are on notice and their access can be cut off at any time and be expected to leave immediately. I really liked that when he told me!
The other is if the man that raped me comes up here, "you've got a back hoe and 2,700 acres. Use it judiciously!"
Anywhere off of this ranch and anyone can do anything they want to me. But on the ranch, I have the control.
It's really sad, but it is what it is.
