Sex Drive Before Affection?

[Acodop]

Just a quick question for sufferers, particularly the men here.

When you are coming out of a period of withdrawal from your partner, do you find that your sex drive returns before your feelings of affection towards your SO? I’m talking in terms of communicating these feelings with your partner.

Just wondering if this is something common to the PTSD experience or not…

Thank you.

 

[Orolu]

I do know that when I have been triggered in a major way, I tend to get numb. I do not lose my affection toward my wife, I am just so hurt and withdrawing from the world that I am not overly expressive in my affection. I guess I am needing the affectionate touch more than I am able to extend it.

As far as my sex drive, it all but disappears during this time.

I am trying to remember back to my last major triggering, last October, how the recovery process happened. It took a while for me to really come back to the point that I was functioning on a emotional level, but I honestly do not remember how long it was before we had any physical intimacy.
I love my wife, and I am affectionate toward her, but I am still not back to what I would consider my normal level of showing affection.

As far as communicating; my wife and I have always made a point of telling each other that "I love you" but I don't know that I verbalized it as much during this time. I was really just focusing my attention on surviving. I did not know if I was going to recover emotionally. I really didn't. And I still haven't recovered fully.

I wish I could help you more, but I will say that each person processes their PTSD experiences differently, as it affects each of us differently.

 

[Ivo]

I know you have asked for a male perspective, I'm female, but I can identify with having my sex drive return before affection.

It will sound cold, but particularly in this area, I like to feel in control. For me I worked out through counselling that feeling in control meant that I switched the affection off on purpose (well subconsciously, on purpose). It was a coping mechanism for me.

It has been a long process of learning why I responded that way and then how to communicate it with my partner, we were good friends before getting together which I think helps but I still don't always get it right. I am extremely lucky that he is patient with me. Even though that does not stop him becoming frustrated and loosing all patience with it at times.

I also agree with Orolu that each person processes their PTSD experiences differently, and that it affects us all differently.

I hope you don't mind me contributing to the discussion even though I'm female.

 

[Wodil]

Actually that’s been really helpful Ivo, thanks! What you've described makes sense (and doesn't sound cold IMO). Switching off affection might be something that my guy has done as well (intentionally or unintentionally).

He has been pretty passive in the relationship so far – letting me drive, so to speak. We started off pretty intensely and I think it moved way too fast for him, cos he started slowly backing off, and then continued to withdraw, got sick, etc. He seems to be coming out of withdrawal now, when I saw him the other day, I got the impression from his behaviour that he now wants to be the ‘driver’s seat’ of our relationship, if that makes any sense.

Ever since, contact with him via text has slowly being increasing, and most of his texts have been very sexual in nature, but are not affectionate per se, although I suppose he’s never been overly affectionate in his texts, except for right at the start of the relationship. I suspect that sending multiple texts each day declaring his affection (which is what we both did at the start) just wasn’t sustainable for him, and ended up putting pressure on him – probably one of the things that led to him feeling overwhelmed, and in the end maybe he started feeling numb towards me. Just me speculating but I don’t think I’m too far off the mark.

Despite this all the innuendo this week, he has not yet suggested that we catch up, although I guess it’s only been a few days.But, I gather from some of the comments he's made in the past, that pressure to 'perform' is an issue for him.

Actually, thinking further on this…. from the tone and content of his messages, I'm starting to wonder if this might also be about building up his confidence again. I’ve been made aware (by others who know him well) that self-confidence has always been a problem for him. And he said at the start that he couldn't understand why I liked him so much.

Sorry, I rambled on a bit there....

And of course you are right, this illness is complex and manifests differently for each person. It’s good to have an idea of the sorts of ways that sufferers cope with the different facets of the illness though. Thanks for sharing your experience….

 

[Neliwav]

Another female... But yes. Absolutely.