Sex ? - How To Talk About It With Therapist

[Skywatcher]

I can talk candidly about it. I have discussed horrid things about it with trauma and csa friends. I have been an open book in answering questions that my teenaged children have. So... why can’t I talk to my therapist about it? And I really need to. I have questions because I want to fix some trauma related stuff. I will even write it down and not hand it to her because I freeze up. How can I jump over this stupid shame hurdle?

 

[bellbird]

Could you talk to her first about the difficulty/shame hurdle you're finding yourself facing in talking about sex with her?

I have done that in the past with my T: "I really need/want to talk to you about X but I'm feeling really scared/nervous/ashamed/etc about it."
Often makes for an easier lead in.

 

[flowerapple]

My therapist often says that I should stop trying to think of the best way to say it before I say it. She said that I should just say whatever is in my mind right at the moment and stop trying to find the best wording so it sounds "right" for her, whether that is me trying to downplay it, or me trying make it sound least unpleasant to her, or me trying to make it sound least embarrassing for her, whatever it may be, I should ignore that urge, and just say what is in my mind right at the moment. It's almost like I'm blurting out what's on my mind, in a sense. It's hard but when I notice I'm holding back on telling her something because I am embarrassed, I just take a deep breath and then just say it out loud right there. Then once I get that first bit out, it gets the ball rolling, and I can it becomes a bit easier to talk, though it's still a challenge. Plus, my therapist can also help encourage me, or nudge me along once that first part comes out.

Hope that helps.

 

[Mach123]

The simplest answer you probably said yourself. "I can't, I really need to." Or conversely, "I really need to so I can't."

Now what and why depends on so many factors I know nothing about and you might not know either.

What to do about it I have no idea except to say, I hope you find a way around or through it.

 

[Wendell_R]

I have done that in the past with my T: "I really need/want to talk to you about X but I'm feeling really scared/nervous/ashamed/etc about it."
Often makes for an easier lead in.

I agree. I often start with "This is hard to talk about." It's okay if the conversation is about why it's hard to talk about. And it's okay if you take on the topic little bit by little bit. I've been working on sexuality for a year and a half. Making progress. But a few years ago I went too fast and didn't talk about why I was uncomfortable, and I had some bad acting out. Now, I listen to my symptoms and feelings and go slow and steady.

 

[grit]

It is so easy to always assume it is us. I will take a different approach. you said it yourself you can talk about it with anyone but the therapist. So maybe it is because the therapist you cannot? Please hear me out first. Maybe the therapist gives some vibes of moralistic nature or vulnerability or ick factor that is communicated to you so subtly that just make you feel hmmmm you do not want to hurt her/him or injury them or offend them or feel your pain (because their pain in this area is full). Or you want them to see you certain way -- like good girl or clean girl or decent (something and another belief) at the top of the sex abuse that you need to clear it first.
There are million reasons why you can talk about this anywhere else but there. So take "there" to have impact on your shutdown as well.

I have been few places or with few people in my life that certain topics are just off to bring up because of the make-up of those people. Even therapists have limitation of topics. Maybe yours is good up to this point but coils about sexual defiance of any kind and you are protecting her because you care.

I could recommend if I may that maybe just talk about or ask the therapist what she thinks about sex in general. It may just be that there is more than sexual injury on your part and that is blocking the conversation too. So many layers!