Sex Is Getting Kinkier

[Risafeb]

I've struggled for years and years with my inability to climax from things that don't mimic my childhood abuse. It's so humiliating. I've been in BDSM relationships and while its sexually gratifying, it's also triggering and only works because I can dissociate. Then I feel shame.

Sooooo much shame.

Now I'm not with anyone but I masturbate to thoughts of being hurt. And it just gets worse sometimes because then the shame is so deep that I end up punishing myself by cutting my Breasts afterwards.

I think it's also messed up my neural networks where fear makes my body respond sexually even though my mind isn't turned on at all, a sort of defense mechanism maybe to the abuse that it thinks might be coming.

Stop while you can. And talk with your therapist. This is a miserable way to live.

 

[Ahop]

I'm so glad I asked this question. Feels so much better just to know this weird contamination of sexuality with violence is part of the abuse cycle and not just me being unbelievably f*cked up. And, yes, Risafeb, I also dissociate routinely during sex. Seems to be the only way I know how to do it. So I will try and tell my T more of what's going on before I disappear further into shame.

Writing this now, I'm so pissed off at how f*cking eternal are the effects of abuse. My perp is dead. Really wish I could go back and kill him.