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Sexual Abuse And The Sociopath...
- Post starter BeeLee
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ms spock
VIP Member
Oh that is just how people are on the forum BeeLee.
Lady of Longbourn
VIP Member
Congratulations on starting your dairy. :)
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- #16
I'm numb. I think I'm numb. How long can a body go like this? Little sleep. I was so exhausted yesterday when I got home from work that I laid on the couch and didn't wake up until 8:00pm. I never just fall asleep. It always takes me a long time to be able to get to sleep. Sleeping pills have never worked. They get me to sleep, but then I'm awake two hours later and unable to get back to sleep. When I was little, I would lay awake all night long, just until I could see the sky starting to lighten up outside. It wasn't quite dawn, but that moment before dawn, when it's just grey, not dark, not light, just grey. I could fall asleep when it was grey. And then I would have to be up an hour later to get ready for school and would have to function at school. My grades were always good and I was athletic, so I guess I was able to function very well like that. But I'm finding that as I'm getting older, nearly 50, that I'm not quite as able to function with so little sleep. Or at least when I get to this point of exhaustion. I don't know if it is because I'm so exhausted that I'm numb, or if I'm numb just because I'm numb. And is there a difference anyway?
And I zone out. I was talking with a friend earlier and she knew immediately she had lost me. "Hello?" she said. I had no idea what she had just said. It was like she had been speaking a foreign language. I knew she was talking to me, could hear her speaking, but I had no clue what she had asked me. Her "Hello?" brought me back and I apologized and told her I had zoned out and asked to say it again, and even when she said it that second time, I could only follow along a little bit and had to act as though I had heard her that second time, or that it made sense to me. I replied and hoped I had replied appropriately. Why do I do that? How can someone be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly have that conversation seem like such an alien concept, that you can't understand a single thing being said? It's not that I wasn't interested in the conversation, because I was, but I just suddenly lost myself. Luckily, I've not done that with a client yet. I don't think I have. But my friend is aware that I do that on occasion and will use the "Hello?" with me and for some reason that always brings me back.
I sometimes want to just disappear completely. And sometimes, I think I have.
And I zone out. I was talking with a friend earlier and she knew immediately she had lost me. "Hello?" she said. I had no idea what she had just said. It was like she had been speaking a foreign language. I knew she was talking to me, could hear her speaking, but I had no clue what she had asked me. Her "Hello?" brought me back and I apologized and told her I had zoned out and asked to say it again, and even when she said it that second time, I could only follow along a little bit and had to act as though I had heard her that second time, or that it made sense to me. I replied and hoped I had replied appropriately. Why do I do that? How can someone be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly have that conversation seem like such an alien concept, that you can't understand a single thing being said? It's not that I wasn't interested in the conversation, because I was, but I just suddenly lost myself. Luckily, I've not done that with a client yet. I don't think I have. But my friend is aware that I do that on occasion and will use the "Hello?" with me and for some reason that always brings me back.
I sometimes want to just disappear completely. And sometimes, I think I have.
CourageofSnow
Silver Member
BeeLee, welcome to the site. I too had a similar childhood..
It amazes me how strong we can be for so many years, it's like our brains are saying, not yet, don't fall apart just yet..
I was diagnosed with PTSD 12 years ago, was in therapy for 3 (on and off) and I had 'healed' to the point that I was no longer agorophobic, could ride on a bus, was able to study, work and watch my darling daughters go from toddlers to school.
I was recently triggered and have since been in emotional turmoil. I am back in therapy and know that things will get better but it is one day at a time. I guess for me I was more upset at myself, as I honestly thought that I was healed.. I hadn't had a flashback in 10 years and only suffered from nightmares and a little anxiety.
I understand what you mean about zoning out. I disassociate at work.. Often my supervisor will say to me, "are you ok?' as I am trying to comprehend what it is they are saying. Some days I ask the same question over and over until I have the answer straight in my head... I have some very patient work colleagues!
Right kind of me said
I completely agree. We need to be gentle on ourselves.
It amazes me how strong we can be for so many years, it's like our brains are saying, not yet, don't fall apart just yet..
I was diagnosed with PTSD 12 years ago, was in therapy for 3 (on and off) and I had 'healed' to the point that I was no longer agorophobic, could ride on a bus, was able to study, work and watch my darling daughters go from toddlers to school.
I was recently triggered and have since been in emotional turmoil. I am back in therapy and know that things will get better but it is one day at a time. I guess for me I was more upset at myself, as I honestly thought that I was healed.. I hadn't had a flashback in 10 years and only suffered from nightmares and a little anxiety.
I understand what you mean about zoning out. I disassociate at work.. Often my supervisor will say to me, "are you ok?' as I am trying to comprehend what it is they are saying. Some days I ask the same question over and over until I have the answer straight in my head... I have some very patient work colleagues!
Right kind of me said
I completely agree. We need to be gentle on ourselves.
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- #18
CourageofSnow, thank you for your reply. Yes, I can totally relate to being upset with yourself, having thought you were healed. I had thought I had dealt with my past and had done so very effectively. But this new information, these new details that I learned, really brought me back down to reality, a reality in which I realize there is more work to be done. I'm tired of having to deal with this. Did they know that they were giving me a life sentence? Did they know that the damage they were doing to me would be lifelong? Did they know that their few years of pleasure, would result in a lifetime of pain for me? How selfish of them if they did.
Again, I never considered my "zoning out" to be a part of the PTSD, nor did I consider it as disassociating. It's interesting to me the years I have dealt with this, things that I didn't associate with my trauma and the fall-out from that trauma. I just thought it was normal, that everyone experienced such things. I now have to admit that perhaps I had not dealt as effectively with my trauma as I thought I had, nor that my PTSD coming back up in such a wild state, is a return of it, as it appears it had never disappeared entirely.
You should be proud of yourself CourageofSnow, the advances you have made in your healing. You really should be. We all should be of the advances we have made in our own healing. This is something that we have to take one moment at a time, and know that each moment brings us closer to ourselves, closer to being who we were always meant to be, but were prevented from becoming. I will be me, the "me" I should have been allowed to be.
Again, I never considered my "zoning out" to be a part of the PTSD, nor did I consider it as disassociating. It's interesting to me the years I have dealt with this, things that I didn't associate with my trauma and the fall-out from that trauma. I just thought it was normal, that everyone experienced such things. I now have to admit that perhaps I had not dealt as effectively with my trauma as I thought I had, nor that my PTSD coming back up in such a wild state, is a return of it, as it appears it had never disappeared entirely.
You should be proud of yourself CourageofSnow, the advances you have made in your healing. You really should be. We all should be of the advances we have made in our own healing. This is something that we have to take one moment at a time, and know that each moment brings us closer to ourselves, closer to being who we were always meant to be, but were prevented from becoming. I will be me, the "me" I should have been allowed to be.
CourageofSnow
Silver Member
Thank you BeeLee. This is just another layer to get through, one step closer to being restored.
I know for me it is like contractions, painful comes in waves and comes with tears but at the end of this there will be relief.
I know for me it is like contractions, painful comes in waves and comes with tears but at the end of this there will be relief.
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- #20
I am supposed to be getting "in touch" with my inner child for my next therapy session. I must describe to my therapist the way she is dressed, what she is doing, and her reaction to me. I am supposed to convince her to trust me. I have not had the energy nor the inclination to do so as yet, and my next therapy session is next Weds. I'm not even sure how to get in touch with that inner child any more, so long has she been isolated, alone, in darkness. I think there is a part of me that is afraid of her, afraid of the pain that she carries, the pain I'll see in her eyes. What she experienced was much more than any child should ever have to endure, and the pain ... The pain of being unloved, the pain of being hated, the pain of being hurt by those that she knew were supposed to love her, the physical pain was bearable, and easy to endure compared to the mental and emotional anguish she carried within her. I often imagine her in a silent scream. A scream that if it could be heard would deafen anyone within a 100 mile radius, so great was the pain, the terror she endured.
Where do children find the strength to go on each day, knowing their father can kill them at any moment, knowing that it is very possible that he will actually do just such a thing? Where do they find that strength? Where did I find the strength to get up each morning and face the day and the monster that hurt me repeatedly the night before? Where did I find the strength to even smile the innocent smile of a child? I have watched adults endure less traumatic experiences with less grace and humility than any child that has experienced such a traumatic life. It seems adults do not always have the capacity to bounce back the way a child has.
I've been thinking about my father a lot of late. I truly loved him, but did not know then everything about him that I know now. Back then I thought my mom and I were the only ones he hurt. I could forgive him for my pain, but couldn't forgive him for my mother's pain. Now, I'm just confused by it all. I hated what he would do to my mom, how he would beat her, kick her with steel toed shoes while she was cowering on the floor, calling her all sorts of names. I hurt so bad for her and wanted to protect her. But to now know he was instrumental in her death, that he beat her so bad that my mother's own sister almost did not recognize her. And to find out that my mother, the sweet, loving woman that I remember, was involved in my abuse and in the abuse of other children. I always saw her as a victim of my father and that she was unable to protect herself and could not therefore protect me. I could accept that and live with that as my truth. I knew what my father was capable of. I knew the depth of violence contained in that man. But to learn that she kept getting away and going back over and over again, and joined in the abuse, in hurting me, and bragged about the money I brought in. I was a child, a baby, not even 7 years old and they were selling me into prostitution. How am I supposed to feel about that, knowing that I was sold? How am I supposed to feel about my dad killing my mom? I know the terror I felt at him having killed my puppy. When I walked into that basement and saw blood flung every where, the walls, the floor, the ceiling. I knew, without a doubt, that I, or my infant sister, could be next. It wasn't long after that in which he killed my mom. I feel nothing. I want to feel something. I want to feel the pain of it, to acknowledge that it hurts, but I don't even feel that. I want to feel angry at them for stealing my innocence and my childhood, but I can't seem to find that anger. Anger has never been an easy emotion for me to experience as it is, because I saw what anger, what rage, could do, and so I always kept anger hidden away, pushed down, and now when I am absolutely justified in feeling that single emotion, I cannot summon it.
"Larger than life protector," is what my therapist called me. Who am I protecting now by being unable to feel anything?
Where do children find the strength to go on each day, knowing their father can kill them at any moment, knowing that it is very possible that he will actually do just such a thing? Where do they find that strength? Where did I find the strength to get up each morning and face the day and the monster that hurt me repeatedly the night before? Where did I find the strength to even smile the innocent smile of a child? I have watched adults endure less traumatic experiences with less grace and humility than any child that has experienced such a traumatic life. It seems adults do not always have the capacity to bounce back the way a child has.
I've been thinking about my father a lot of late. I truly loved him, but did not know then everything about him that I know now. Back then I thought my mom and I were the only ones he hurt. I could forgive him for my pain, but couldn't forgive him for my mother's pain. Now, I'm just confused by it all. I hated what he would do to my mom, how he would beat her, kick her with steel toed shoes while she was cowering on the floor, calling her all sorts of names. I hurt so bad for her and wanted to protect her. But to now know he was instrumental in her death, that he beat her so bad that my mother's own sister almost did not recognize her. And to find out that my mother, the sweet, loving woman that I remember, was involved in my abuse and in the abuse of other children. I always saw her as a victim of my father and that she was unable to protect herself and could not therefore protect me. I could accept that and live with that as my truth. I knew what my father was capable of. I knew the depth of violence contained in that man. But to learn that she kept getting away and going back over and over again, and joined in the abuse, in hurting me, and bragged about the money I brought in. I was a child, a baby, not even 7 years old and they were selling me into prostitution. How am I supposed to feel about that, knowing that I was sold? How am I supposed to feel about my dad killing my mom? I know the terror I felt at him having killed my puppy. When I walked into that basement and saw blood flung every where, the walls, the floor, the ceiling. I knew, without a doubt, that I, or my infant sister, could be next. It wasn't long after that in which he killed my mom. I feel nothing. I want to feel something. I want to feel the pain of it, to acknowledge that it hurts, but I don't even feel that. I want to feel angry at them for stealing my innocence and my childhood, but I can't seem to find that anger. Anger has never been an easy emotion for me to experience as it is, because I saw what anger, what rage, could do, and so I always kept anger hidden away, pushed down, and now when I am absolutely justified in feeling that single emotion, I cannot summon it.
"Larger than life protector," is what my therapist called me. Who am I protecting now by being unable to feel anything?
ms spock
VIP Member
I have wondered this too. I really have. I grew up in such a family with such a father.
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- #22
I just can't imagine where we found the strength Ms Spock, to keep going. I want to hate my parents. I want to despise them for what they did. But I love them. How can I love them, even after finding out what I have found out? And having a father like that, it is too difficult to imagine two fathers like that. Just the existence of one is bad enough, but to know there was another who also hurt his little girl, that is too much take. Bless you Ms Spock for being here and for listening to my ramblings. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I truly appreciate it.
ms spock
VIP Member
I can understand how you love them BeeLee. It is complex.
rightkindofme
Diamond Member
I honestly think that we do it as children because we are dumb animals who don't know any better. :(
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