Sexual Abuse And The Use Of Touch In Therapy?

[It's all my fault]

Does anyone know how or help me? I have both sexual and emotional abuse issues from childhood that came from two totally different men. My therapist is a SEP (somatic experiencing practioner) and does EMDR. She uses touch in her sessions. I let her touch my arm, was completely freaked out and of course never said anything. I told her the specifics two sessions ago but emotionally haven't gone there at all. It's like I'm narrating a story about someone else. Just her mentioning the word "body" freaks me out. I have told her this.

I see her today, I know I want to work on the trauma and she is not pushing me at all. But, I'm terrified. I think if I have to go there again I'm going to run out of the room. I just don't want to have to visit these emotions, I know I'm blocking them knowingly but it feels like my body is also blocking them involuntarily. I have to get the trauma out because I know this is what is driving the suicide. I feel like this is going to take forever and frankly don't know if I'll be able to live thru the process. I don't want to show up and waste either one of our time by not getting to the issues and just waste the hour away. Agh. Anyone else have any idea how I can feel the emotions to get them out without running out the door and never coming back?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi, I don't know your back story, so forgive me if you've explained it in another thread. Are you already at a point in therapy where you've learned coping skills and are ready to process the trauma? I'm a bit confused as it sounds like you need to learn how to deal with the touch issue before you get into processing.

 

[It's all my fault]

Solara, thanks for your reply. I've been with the T for 9 months and have never told a soul before. I'm 50. I also came from a very violent abusive alcoholic home. We first tried the emotional piece but the sexual abuse kept coming up...constantly so this has to be addressed first to make any progress. She does grounding all the time with me to bring me back on line.

She has only touched my arm once about 3 weeks ago and then we stood next to each other. She was doing a relaxation type exercise and she was saying..relax your head, your face, your arms, your neck and when she said back it was instant freak for me, she immediately stopped and I know she does know what she is doing. I did tell her that she had to stop as i was getting flashbacks of the rape she understood.

She has not asked again about touch but I'm afraid she will. If she does I will most likely freeze and not say a word and then she will proceed. I find it impossible to bring this up with her, it's too triggering, writing it is also not an option. Agh
I feel like such a big baby that I can't suck it up and move on, I want to stuff this back in and ignore the issue. But, it is behind the suicide. Any suggestions?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think you're being a big baby AT ALL! (I hope that counts for something, as I doubt others will think you're being a big baby, either.) I don't have the same reaction to touch that you do, so please forgive me if my comments aren't all that helpful!

I don't mean to pry, but do you have this touch reaction to everyone who touches you? (I have some ideas, but want to get a better picture of your situation first.)

I am thinking that perhaps you are doing too much at once in therapy. Relaxation may not be a "safe" place for you to be right now because it takes you out of that hyper-aware state and makes you more vulnerable to triggers/stressors. Perhaps it is the combination of the relaxed mind and the touch which is just too much for you at this time. Maybe instead you should just work on one thing at a time. That is, work on the touch issue while your mind is fully aware, even in an overly alert state. I also think that you may do better if you are the one in control of the touch. Right now it is your therapist who is touching you, and in your mind you do not have control. Well, really, you have no control and are forced to try and believe that your therapist isn't going to hurt you, but in the end this doesn't work and you get triggered as your mind screams "danger". I think that you may need to reverse things so that you are the one who is doing the touching, and you are the one who is initiating the touching.

Are you able to initiate a hug with a friend? Reach out your hand first for a handshake? I am able to touch people and be touched, but only if I want to be touched, and much of the time I have to initiate it. If someone tries to comfort me when I'm in a bad state, I either want to come out swinging (I don't!) or I want to scream "get the f*** away from me!" (a la Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind....Yes, when I'm triggered that scene does flash in my head!)

I'm all for pushing through our triggers/stressors, but that doesn't mean that every type of therapy is right for everyone. I'm afraid that maybe this type of touch therapy is just too much for you right now and that another type of therapy may be better suited for you. (Of course I'm no expert, rather speaking as someone who has tried quite a few different types of therapies and has kicked a number of them to the curb because they put me into a terrible emotional state.)

 

[bell]

Perhaps it is the combination of the relaxed mind and the touch which is just too much for you at this time. Maybe instead you should just work on one thing at a time. That is, work on the touch issue while your mind is fully aware, even in an overly alert state. I also think that you may do better if you are the one in control of the touch. Right now it is your therapist who is touching you, and in your mind you do not have control.

Wow, this really hit home for me. And @It's all my fault I wonder if it does the same for you. I've been wondering why some touch sets me off so much, and I didn't think about it being the combo of being relaxed plus touch if someone touches me. And how just being relaxed is a trigger in itself, so add touch and no wonder I flip out. :/ Thanks, @Solara, for helping me put that together.

I've recently realized that control is a big thing for me, but I feel like such a baby about it. And have shame related to it because most people are supposed to be okay with that, no? Ugh.

@It's all my fault, I totally know what you mean by wanting to run from the room! It is the worst! Can you see if it would be okay for you to touch her? (Or maybe that isn't allowed?) As maybe, like me, and as @Solara suggested control is at the heart of all of this. And be sure to be extra gentle with yourself as you work through this.

 

[Maggiemay]

Just wanted to send some hugs your way - as someone who has suffered sexual and emotional abuse and has serious touch and body issues, I get how hard it is to work on.

Xxx

 

[It's all my fault]

Thank you all so much. Wow, @Solara you hit the ball out of the park. I never did think of relaxation and touch at the same time being too much but it absolutely is. It is instant overload. I need to have have control at all times. When you said you could initiate touch but if someone tries to comfort you forget it. I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable if I am upset and someone tries to comfort me. If they give me a hug during that time I too want to scream and run and crawl out of my skin.

I'm uncomfortable with anyone being nice to me really, it is very difficult when I'm upset. I can however hug and comfort others because I'm in control. As far as me touching her, she has told me its ok to hold her hand, etc but when I'm upset if I do that I would probably cry and no way am I doing that. I am terrified of tears because I feel like If i do cry I will literally feel like I'm going to disintegrate and never stop. This is so frustrating, I'm sure you all can relate. Thanks for listening!