Sufferer Sexual abuse as child

[Rbvdk]

Hi! Sorry if this is tmi... Recently I've been getting flash backs of when my ex-step-dad abused me and I have realised I was also sexually abused. I told my sister and she admitted he also sexually abused her too. Yesterday I had a new memory which just linked so much up (like how I knew things I shouldnt have at that age and also why I started masturbating at age 5..) and I felt so empty but I couldnt stop crying. It was a horrible feeling.

Anyway, I have a question that I feel disgusting to ask but I just need to know if what I'm remembering could actually be true. Ive had this certain memory for a few years now but I've been confused. He abused me when I was only 4, I have a memory of orgasming for the first time very very strongly from my anus(?) while I was naked and my bum was up (sorry I know this is horrible and tmi :( ) everything before that is completely blocked out, I dont know what or how it happened but I am sure he was there. My question is, is it even possible for a 4 year old to orgasm? I'm scared and disgusted to think I actually liked it?? It makes me feel sick.

The memory I had yesterday was that he had came on my face... I remember crying and washing it off and scrubbing my eyebrows... Now Im starting to realise where my OCD/hatred of sticky has come from. When i was just that age i had even made a joke about my sister "drinking a guy's bits" (those were my words) we never knew how i knew to say that until now. I feel sick and weak today from the stress it caused me yesterday.. anyway, i hope someone can answer my question. If it really was the sexual abuse that made me orgasm, why would it do that? Is that just cos my bodys natural response at stimulation or did i actually like it? :( if its not possible for a 4 year old to orgasm, then i dont know where else this memory could have came from because i know for sure it had happened..

Sorry this is long. I dont exactly want to google "can a 4 year old orgasm" :/
Thanks for reading!

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Hey, welcome to the forums

The hardest thing for me with sexual abuse was separating that it felt good from the abuse.

There are many thread on that around here

You liking it is not your fault, it's a normal body response

I understand how you feel

Once again, welcome

 

[Ann]

I think whatever our body remembers is valid, even if all the pieces don't fit for the brain. There was nothing disgusting about your post, apart from your abuser.
Some urge from inside pushes old memories to the surface, old sorrow, old anger, often for things I can't remember; but my body has stored all the emotions, the ones I stuffed down as a child.
So now I let myself feel them. That child's feelings. Whatever comes up from inside me, little bit at a time,
Just feel, analyze later. The process of feeling is essential for healing. But in childhood I learned NOT to feel; so I had to learn how all over again. Lots and lots of weeping. It's all good.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

He abused me when I was only 4, I have a memory of orgasming for the first time very very strongly from my anus(?) while I was naked and my bum was up.... My question is, is it even possible for a 4 year old to orgasm? I'm scared and disgusted to think I actually liked it?? It makes me feel sick.

I have memories from age 4 with my father sexually abusing me and I orgasmed anally. When I first remembered the abuse there was a huge ick factor with those memories. Now I understand that my body reacted to the sexual assault and it wasn't something I could stop from happening.

Masturbating from age 3 to 5 years old is quite normal in childhood development. Excessive preoccupation with it is something different. I was obsessed with masturbation starting from age three and throughout my childhood. Since I soon forgot what happened to me, I had nothing to connect it with yet I still continued to do it.

I'm sorry you were sexually assaulted like that.

Welcome to the forum.