@Hope4Now , it´s ok to ask - and I will try to explain as much as possible.
I have always remembered a tiny bit - my granduncle´s voice, his hand on my body and my hands touching him. I think I was four. I started therapy last year in June, mostly because of my friend, who persuaded me to do so. I wanted to deal with seeing my granduncle - which became imspossible after this, of course... I managed to stop seeing him, eventually, after two months. During the first few months, this one memory became more clear. In the spring, more memories - basically the same as this one - started to appear. It was usually a one quick flash of visual memory, along with the sensations on my hands, always accompanied with the location - his room, the living room in his house, the hall in another house, the forest... I felt horrible guilt and dirt all over my body.
I also have memories connected to abuse, in which I am alone. It is usually from "before" or "after" - three-year-old me playing with buttons and realising there is nobody else in here - which means he has his way. Four-year-old me left alone after he got what he wanted, trembling with fear he would come back again... Feelings of complete loneliness, helplessness...
To me, most of the memories came in waves - always closer, clearer, larger, more consuming - up to the point when I was trapped inside these memories, unable to realise what was really happening. But these states pf mind do not last for more than a couple of minutes. I have developed some sort of coping strategies - playing games on my phone, calculating, calling somebody or visiting somebody - not staying alone with these fears.
The man, who abused me, never raped me - there would have been blood, I guess he was smart enough to realise somebody would have noticed that. But he forced me very violently to give oral sex to him repeatedly when I was four and five years old. I have always turned my face away when something like this was implicated in some movie, without even a slightest suspicion this also happened to me. It took more than half a year of therapy before the gagging and then the memories started to come back. A couple of days ago, I recovered another memory of this type of abuse, while being in the shower. It was mostly a voice inside my head, repeating the emotions I was going through while he was doing that, and a flash of the window in his room. I stayed curled in the corner for ten minutes, crying silently. Then I came into my room, thinking about hurting myself with a needle - but I managed to stop myself from doing so after a minute. I wrote a message to my best friend, describing some of my feelings, telling him it is too much for me to bear. It was night and he was already sleeping, so I knew he would probably read my message in the morning. But as soon i sent it, some sort of relief came. I did something. I didn´t stay in silence. I fought back, somehow. I was stronger then I was at the age of five. I was not alone. The fear was gone and I fell asleep.
I am sorry you have experienced some sort of flashback recently... To me, it is sometimes helpful to try to write the flaschback down, along with feelings accompaied to it... Sharing the fear with somebody, or at lest with my computer or a piece of paper. The secret loses it´s power when revealed.
