Sexual Arousal From Flashback

[Missycat]

@Recovery4Me , i haven't read it but im going to. Its taken me a long time to seek help and i feel as though i have been 2 people for so many years, to many - outgoing, fun and confident but behind that, scared, worried, anxiety, flashbacks and angry - i thought i could carry on but i couldnt and the dreams, flashbacks , anger and anxiety have just floored me , hence why i went into T.
Phew, that feels a little better. Just want to thank everyone for the warm welcome :hug:

 

[Zanshin]

I'm not a therapist, I'm a sufferer who also had sex abuse as part of my trauma. It was two people at two different times, and the second was so much more difficult than the first that it made me long for the first one during abuse, since the first one "only" did certain acts that seemed charming in comparison to the second. (Vague, I know, I still feel the need to shield....) So still wanting an abuser? Yeah, it happens. And it's weird and infuriating and totally, totally makes sense to your PTSD brain while it's happening.

I feel that to some level, your body wants to feel good, and wants the sexual desire and response. If the only place it can relate to it coming from is the trauma, of course it's linked and it's awful to experience for the emotions that come along with it. I don't know if focusing on just the good feeling in your body - not the memory causing it - can isolate that feeling and turn it to healthier sexual desire, as unfamiliar as that may be to you?

My memory is not always good for sourcing quotes or sources, but someone had mentioned a strong difference that helped me - what happened before was abuse. What's happening now is sex. It's a world of difference.

 

[Missycat]

for me, i dont want to think about my abuser, in fact as i type this my stomach is in knots. I recognise that what happened effects the intimacy, or lack of, with my partner, i just want to sob, whereas if its 'just sex' i seemed to be able to cope better - although to be honest any form if intimacy i cant cope with at the moment. Does this make sense?

 

[Zanshin]

Absolute sense, yes. "Just sex" is still really difficult most of the time and not as fun as media makes it seem to be...

 

[Thinkbig]

Isn't it normal to try and find one thing in all the shit we've been through that felt good? To want to hold onto that?!? Sure it's messed up. But it was all messed up! I was just trying to cope and after all these years I'm still trying to cope. I don't think it's ever going to make sense to me.

Being so young I froze and dissociated. It's like I have all this energy locked in my body that I was never able to discharge (emotional disregulation). Could there be a relation between this energy and sexual release? Could it be a way our body memories are trying to be released? Instead of something sick we are drawn to, rather a way of trying to process the sickness done to us?

 

[Sideways]

@Thinkbig - yeah, it is probably a slightly better than the intense physical pain that I get from other flashbacks, although it is still physically painful for me (arousal is like that for me).

I've been chipping away at this issue with my T. I think what's bothering me so much about it now is partly that, because of what he did, and what he was "teaching" me when he did it, I now associate arousal with evidence that I'm a Wh*re.

But also, I'm finding it really confronting that he was using that arousal deliberately to imprint the doctrine he was teaching me in my brain. He wasn't just turning me on as a side effect of the jollies he was getting. Like everything else he did, he was doing it to mess with my head. He deliberately got me aroused at specific points in my "lessons" to convince me about his doctrine. I'm having trouble getting my head around the idea that his manipulation of me extended to using sexual arousal as part of his brainwashing techniques.

*sigh* I'll get used to that concept at some point. But once I do, I still have to somehow make sexual arousal an enjoyable experience, rather than something that reiterates my negative self concept. That's something that (I understand) is actually pretty common, so I know it can be done. But every now and again, I still get blown away by just how much damage csa does:(

 

[Zanshin]

I'm glad that you have making sexual experiences enjoyable as a goal, it's so difficult after abuse. And kudos for working on this with your T as well, so many landmines in your mind, I'm sure, perhaps defusing them will make a safer path going forward.

The rest of the post shows how awful people can be, I'm sorry you went through that. Someone else being evil is not a reflection on your, his imprinting about you being a whore is wrong. You're allowed to enjoy life, all parts of it.

Take care of yourself in every way you can.

 

[Thinkbig]

It seems to me the hardest thing to break free from are the lies we have learned to believe and accept.

@Ragdoll Circus I am so sorry you experience physical pain in place of something that is meant to be precious. I am unfamiliar with that as mine comes before or after. I'm sorry someone took advantage of your bodies natural reaction. In the back of my mind I still wonder how young I was the first time I had an orgasm.

I spent, well, my whole life hating myself for all of it. Forgive yourself! That path was not by choice. Being robbed of dignity is never our choice.

 

[DreamLover]

I wish I could say that I don't relate.

The only sexual pleasure I can feel is from that...

I relate as well. The only time I didn't need to mimic the abuse was with a new sexual encounter, I guess because it was novel. It's impossible for me to stay engaged in the act. Lots of work to be done. Scary.

 

[Thomas CMM]

2 things to know about me in advance: I can't burp, and I don't get sexually aroused (unless you...

I'm no expert and just a bystander trying to learn more about CPTSD survivors, I would have to say this is normal. My wife who's not ever been abused gets aroused when she's very scared.

 

[amosmorris]

Ugggggh, yes. My heart is with you for this awful pain. My experiences are different and yet the reaction is similar: rooted in a 12 yr-old body, conditioned to respond. And now I am stuck in a loop of liking something sexually that in fact I am repulsed by because it reminds me of my own history, was repulsive and also a turn-on then too. I haven't talked to T yet about the current arousal-by-bad-stuff bit. It's so steeped in shame for me too.
Sending :hug:

 

[cal_65]

i know this thread is a little old, but I just wanted to say how important it is to me. I am about to graduate from high school and my abuser has a younger sister in my grade. As far as I know, he's been out of state for a while, but I'm terrified he will show up for my graduation ceremony. As a result, I have been having so many flashbacks and panic/anxiety episodes, one of which has aroused me before and I never understood why. I felt so disgusted and scared that I had faked all of my feelings and all the trauma he caused me. Knowing that this happens to others made me feel less like a freak and more like a human being -- something I've been trying to feel like for three years now. Thanks everyone for your input.