Sexual dissociation....???

[Warrior Chicken]

Makes sense that in order to survive things, our bodies and minds will turn off switches. Often the things that signal that process aren’t overtly apparent to us, and we find ourselves numb, disconnected, floating, not part of our bodies, blank, empty, etc

I’m very used to that process in every day life, have come to find comfort in it often, and know that it does allow me to function at a high level. There are consequences, and those are the reasons I’m working on learning to shorten the duration of the numbness.

Sex, intimacy, vulnerability are minefields for me. Also, for many others here on the forums. Wish it wasn’t so.
Ok, shit, I don’t quite know how to discuss this and am wondering if others can relate and what to do, how to heal, do you just desensitize to all of it by pushing through?

Oral sex - when it happens to me, huge amounts of guilt if I get aroused and it feels good, immediate sense that this is given to me and I must reciprocate or there will be consequences, reciprocating needs to be long lasting and perfect, I need to get thru my phase quickly then I can turn off and perform, his arousal is my fault, get it over with and then it will be safer.

Yeah, I guess misadventures in sex can cause those thoughts....

Now I have the first healthy relationship I’ve ever had (I’m 40), and he is kind, compassionate, gentle, respectful.....and that’s terrifying! Lately, I’ve noticed I have felt good being intimate (NEVER had that), but then out of the blue - massive shame, discomfort, and then blank, totally numb, like I disowned my body.
I’m not able to be intimate very often, and can’t predict when it will be ok and when it won’t. This is hugely frustrating for my partner and for me. Perhaps you understand and have a perspective on it? I know we’re all different, just trying to make sense of this.

Thanks.

 

[Rumors]

Oh warrior... yes I can relate. I think you know but the root cause of how you feel is shame and if you can start looking at that you might find that it's completely normal for you to have those feeling given your story. My therapist says talking about it takes the secrecy away thus the shame starts to diminish. It doesn't feel tha way sometimes but it actually does work. Can you talk to your partner about it? Does he know how you feel about it? Maybe he can talk you through the anxiety as it arises? I know that sounds weird but if he were to communicate with you and check in so to speak maybe it would help? I dunno... don't listen to me actually. My husband is not a nice guy to me at times so it makes it feel different... sorry!!! Hang in there!

 

[somerandomguy]

I can relate, Warrior.

Personally for me I had to learn how to get out of my head into my body. Yoga helped. Weed helps more. The more I do it, the easier it gets, though I'm not sure it's ever going to be easy.

Here are more things that I try:

• Breathing and relaxing
• Turning anxiety into excitement
• Imagining succeeding. Noticing the body and relaxing. Then imagining relaxing while succeeding.
• Redefining what sex is and what success is
• Not blaming myself for problems or "failure"
• Tuning out negative thoughts
• Removing goals
• Being absolutely truthful with my therapist about my sexuality

EMDR has been helping, too.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

root cause of how you feel is shame

My therapist says talking about it takes the secrecy away thus the shame starts to diminish

You are so right! Shame....it's entirely useless, except....my mind keeps it running with the thought that with shame, I'll be safe. Now, logically, I know that shame won't keep me safe but I have difficulty separating myself from the concept that in a sense for me it does keep me safe. It's a path that's so well worn for my brain! But, talking about it.....just trying bit by bit does take away the secrecy and I've seen that with other trauma I've worked on. This sex stuff is chaotic for me.

I'm sorry you don't have a supportive partner on this journey @Rumors it makes everything more difficult when that's the case....sending kindness to you.

@somerandomguy you mentioned yoga.......did you go to a place that understands trauma? I can't imagine laying in a room full of unknown humans and trying to relax!!! I'd really like to calm my nervous system and learn how to breathe. Only recently am I working on trying to find more things to add to my toolkit.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

immediate sense that this is given to me and I must reciprocate or there will be consequences, reciprocating needs to be long lasting and perfect, I need to get thru my phase quickly then I can turn off and perform, his arousal is my fault, get it over with and then it will be safer.

I just wanted to stop in and say I have experienced this exact thing, and told my therapist "I initiate it so I can just get it over with so I'm safe again". I haven't had sex in like two years but would like to try again soon. I just haven't met someone who does it for me (and I'm glad I know I don't have to have sex with whoever shows me attention).

About the yoga that was mentioned, there's a LOT of good Youtube videos of yoga that combines spirituality/anxiety reduction with mind body techniques if you don't want to go to a place to do it! I get nervous around yoga classes as well, especially if they're in a dark studio which has been my experience. I'm hoping when I move to the beach I'll be able to do daytime beach yoga classes.

 

[somerandomguy]

you mentioned yoga.......did you go to a place that understands trauma? I can't imagine laying in a room full of unknown humans and trying to relax!!!

Yeah, it started out really difficult and I cried most times I would go. Actually I joined a place that did Men's Only yoga and did that for several months before I took the leap into a coed class.

I've never done trauma-informed yoga. I've heard good things about it, but there's nothing like that available for men where I live.

 

[Madmaninabox]

Redefining what sex is and what success is

This is great advice random guy.
If you aren't comfortable with oral sex you don't have to have it there is no rule saying you need to. There is no rule even saying you need to use a certain body part if you are uncomfortable right now with certain things you don't have to do them. Successful sex can be anything you want it to be imho. As long as everyone involved is consenting adults sex is whatever you make it.

 

[Gs172003]

Makes sense that in order to survive things, our bodies and minds will turn off switches. Often the things that signal that process aren’t overtly apparent to us, and we find ourselves numb, disconnected, floating, not part of our bodies, blank, empty, etc

I’m very used to that process in every day life, have come to find comfort in it often, and know that it does allow me to function at a high level. There are consequences, and those are the reasons I’m working on learning to shorten the duration of the numbness.

Sex, intimacy, vulnerability are minefields for me. Also, for many others here on the forums. Wish it wasn’t so.
Ok, shit, I don’t quite know how to discuss this and am wondering if others can relate and what to do, how to heal, do you just desensitize to all of it by pushing through?

Oral sex - when it happens to me, huge amounts of guilt if I get aroused and it feels good, immediate sense that this is given to me and I must reciprocate or there will be consequences, reciprocating needs to be long lasting and perfect, I need to get thru my phase quickly then I can turn off and perform, his arousal is my fault, get it over with and then it will be safer.

Yeah, I guess misadventures in sex can cause those thoughts....

Now I have the first healthy relationship I’ve ever had (I’m 40), and he is kind, compassionate, gentle, respectful.....and that’s terrifying! Lately, I’ve noticed I have felt good being intimate (NEVER had that), but then out of the blue - massive shame, discomfort, and then blank, totally numb, like I disowned my body.
I’m not able to be intimate very often, and can’t predict when it will be ok and when it won’t. This is hugely frustrating for my partner and for me. Perhaps you understand and have a perspective on it? I know we’re all different, just trying to make sense of this.

Thanks.

I can totally relate. I don't have any answers but I do understand.

 

[netrezven]

Well what can i say. One part of me is insanely pervert and playful. This part can literally push me and my partner into a month lasting sex psyhosis. Nothing wrong?, but there is another part, that when switched, kind of reads what happened and feels hurt and betrayed in some way. He should be around 14. This sad part is actually deeply scared from that and pushes negative passive influence on all of us. And sometimes he gets activated after having great sex and wants to run away and needs to hurt himself/us/.