Sexual Fetishes

[Urut]

There's such a thing as masochism. And while nurture factors into it I'm pretty sold on nature being a huge factor in how we turn out in regards to sexual orientation. I know people who had similar trauma who have ended up repressed or who have gone in a totally different direction. So I tend to blame the wiring, not the trauma. It probably pushed me closer to finding out who I was sexually by throwing some things in my face and making me deal with it. But people want to look at those who have been abused and want to give control to their partner and say it's obviously a result of the abuse. To my mind that makes as much sense as saying a gay man who is raped by another man is only gay because of his assault.

Basically, people make a lot of judgements without having the information they need to come to a conclusion. And it's really none of their business anyway.

I'm a sado-masochist and I live as a service oriented submissive. I'm heavily involved in my local Leather scene. I sort of figure if it's enriching to you and it's safe sane and consensual there's no issue. And it may be helpful to know that there are people out there who understand, are also consciously choosing how they want to live, and can help with any safety concerns you might have.

 

[Mane]

I also have an abuse-related fetish, which I didn't think was possible. It's horrible, embarrassing, and I wish it didn't exist.

According to standard theory, sexual fetishes are developed by boys in childhood according to very specific stimuli that causes sexual arousal - in other words, something that shouldn't be viewed as arousing, yet is.

AFAIK women do not develop sexual fetishes in this way. (i am male.)

 

[Ogumo]

I also have an abuse-related fetish, which I didn't think was possible. It's horrible, embarrassing, and I wish it didn't exist...AFAIK women do not develop sexual fetishes in this way. (i am male.)

I'm a female and I am aroused by extreme levels of abuse, stuff from when I was young.

 

[Jasobi]

(I am the same poster as Mane above) Sorry Ogumo, I meant that women do not develop fetishes in childhood the way boys do. All the women with fetishes I have heard of have developed them due to abuse or other things in adulthood.

 

[Dojo]

@Mane/Jasobi... Paraphilias & Fetishes are only partly understood, although some are understood better than others. One thing to keep in mind, however, is that in human behavior one is looking at trends and tendencies, not absolutes. So even if there is a clear sex/gender correlation? There will always, always, always be outliers. Correlation isn't causation. So while many boys may XYZ, at least some -and possibly many, or even most- may not. Ditto, while some/many/most girls may not XYZ , at least some -and maybe many or even most- will.

To parallel... It's like saying all boys like trucks & guns, but girls don't. Girls like stories & art. Nope! There are boy who don't like trucks & guns, and girls who do... And boys who like stories & art, and girls who dont. And there are girls and boys who like both! :)

 

[Ibivi]

I'm really struggling with this. My behaviour has many aspects to it that are very similar to situations of trauma I experienced as a child. So I have assumed the trauma is the source and cause of my sexual acting out. My behaviours are 'conservative', in that I solely use mental imagery and it takes place alone and in private, although the 'content' of the imagery is abusive. But since the authorities decided my 'fantasies' meant I was a risk to my own and other peoples children and their interventions almost destroyed me and my family, I accepted this behaviour was 'wrong' and had to stop. Unfortunately stopping has proved much, much harder than I ever imagined and four years on I am no closer to succeeding. I have been abusing myself in this way since I was a teenager, for over 30 years now, so I guess it's also strongly habitual.

Some of the above posts suggest that there is merit in accepting these behaviours as part of oneself. I can see that perspective too, and I wonder if I might be much happier if I were able to do this. But having been told my behaviours were wrong and witnessed the virtual destruction of our family life as a consequence, I feel very fearful of embracing this aspect of my make-up. Previous events have also made me very fearful of even talking directly to anybody about it. I feel as though my psychological battle to stop these behaviours is ripping me apart. It is definitely one cause of my depression and anxiety.

I wish I could be as comfortable with myself as @Urut clearly is with themselves. But I have been told it is wrong to indulge in these behaviours.

It is a distressing and confusing situation.