Childhood Sexual intrusive thoughts

[Esterio]

It's so good to get it all out and not hold it in.

Validation is important. Males survivors are look at as been week. I know we are not by knowing what we have survived.
I have not got it all out yet. I am working towards that goal it is the only goal i have right now. I have no dreams of the future or plans. Less than 8 months ago I was ready to just give up again. I am trying hard not to go there.
Peace be safe

 

[Friday]

Then there’s the reality. Which is that actually, ‘normal’ varies hugely from one child to the next. Little kids? Some of them masturbate. Some of them masturbate a lot. Sometimes it’s because there’s sexual abuse going on. Other times? It’s just because.

Yep.

@saraemerald Check out almost any parenting source and you'll find most kids are playing with themselves as toddlers. Girls tend to figure it out around potty training (because it's one way to delay having to pee), boys significantly earlier (newborn male infants go through cycles of being erect & flaccid while they sleep, just like boys and men; and then as soon as their arms can reach their groin, you're removing their hand from their diapers only about a bazillion times a day). It feels good. So kids do it. Just like they do absolutely everything else that feels good.

I didn't learn any of this until I became a parent. (Just one item on a list of things I never knew I didn't know that parenting was like Surprise! :facepalm: )

Just like Ragdoll says... Some kids are all about it. Just like other kids are all about candy, or swinging, or climbing, or anything else fun.

I happen to remember down to about age 2, maybe a little earlier, & I remember very clearly exactly what it felt like; MB & Orgasm feeling good = swinging, candy, Christmas presents, rolling down hills, laughing at the dog being silly, spinning in circles, getting the giggles, funny faces, blowing bubbles in milk, jumping in the swimming pool on a hot day, bouncing on the bed, popcorn in the theatre, spitting watermelon seeds as far as one could, playing cops&robbers, jumping into the hay loft, taunting the ocean waves, racing the car, etc. IE it was a sexual act that in no way felt like "sex". It felt like every other happy thing. That didn't change until I was about 9yo when puberty hit and all of a sudden it completely changed from sunshine & lollipops to... OMG Wow What?!? ... :wideeyed: ... Because before puberty hits? The sexual component just really isn't there.

 

[saraemerald]

Validation is important. Males survivors are look at as been week. I know we are not by knowing what we...

You are awesome! :)

Yep.

@saraemerald Check out almost any parenting source and you'll find most [/I...

I wish I knew all this many years ago instead of beating myself up so much thinking I was weird and had to be as pure as possible.
At least I know now. Lol

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I started masturbating at an early age...as early as second grade.

Masturbating by young children is normal. Though having abusive thoughts/imagery during masturbation may indicate abuse.

I had intrusive thoughts/imagery while masturbating and they were definitely about what I witnessed as a young child and what my main perpetrator did to me. My father forced me to watch him abuse children.

 

[PTSDin it]

Very personal stuff but I have to talk about it.
Starting in my late teens, I went from being a soc...

Hi,

hi there saraemerald thanks for the post

My abuse was over a lot of years different perp's. The fir...

I'm sorry you went through all of those horrible assaults, and it sounds like your dad wasn't very supportive. Didn't he know you were behaving this way because you were abused? It's so nuts how boys are treated when they have been assaulted by other people who are supposed to protect them. <3 and peace to you. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[PTSDin it]

Society has its own idea about what’s ‘normal’ when it comes to things like kids and sexual arou...

I can totally relate. My parents were very religious and were very active in what I now believe to be a cult. It wasn't scientology, but it was pretty awful. I wasn't targeted to join more seriously like some of my friends were, but it seriously screwed me up for a long time. I remember at a very young age thinking that all of it was batshit insane and feeling a good amount of shame and guilt over that. I was brought up to believe that masturbation was a sin. I had a lot of weird sexual fantasies as a child-still do-but whatever. Thoughts don't make you a bad person. It took me a long time to realize that... There is such a thing as emotional incest, also where you feel like a sibling or parent desires you, but nothing physical happens-just an inappropriate relationship-like you're the parent or siblings' girlfriend/boyfriend.

 

[Esterio]

PTSDin it
I never told anyone until I told my wife when I was 43 or about. I never told my Mom or Dad anything about the abuse. I had an opportunity in grade 6 I was sent to see a Child Psychologist as I was acting out strangely. I was to scared to say anything. When I left his office was when I realized what was happening to me was abuse I wasn't being treated special it was wrong what had been going on for years. My life really changed after that I got real violent for several years.

I was attacked in the basement of a church that openly denounce Homosexuals. Go figure that out. I think Homosexuality was still a crime in Canada until I was 12. My dad was also a homophobe learned from the church he sent us to and never went himself it was his family that built that church. Another reason I have nothing to do with them. I have a hard time going into any church and especially to the basements


Esterio

 

[Strength]

Wow, Esterio. You’ve been through so much! Why people mistake homosexuality with pedophelia, I’ll never know. My father was a therapist and social worker and actually believed this. He was also very abusive, of course. I’m so sorry that you felt you couldn’t confide in anyone beyond your wife. I’m inspired, however with your strength as a survivor. I, too have issues with being in church due to being raised in a cult and my father brutalized us mentally and physically in childhood. I’m grateful also as you have a partner to confide in about issues such as this. I’m so grateful that my husband is also supportive and I can confide in him, too.

 

[PTSDin it]

PTSDin it
I never told anyone until I told my wife when I was 43 or about. I never told my Mom or Dad...

Hi Esterio-I replied to you under the name ‘strength’ idk my phone wasn’t letting me leave it as ptsd-in it lol ‍

 

[Esterio]

Hi PTSDin it
I didn't get it. Did you send it in a Private message. If so I do not use that feature any more as it is not private I just talk here for now.
Peace be safe:)

 

[Esterio]

Wow, Esterio. You’ve been through so much! Why people mistake homosexuality with pedophelia, I’ll never know. My...

Thanks for your kind words and support. I don't have my wife to confide in any more our marriage lasted a few more years until I left. I didn't want to drag her down and I thought I was just going away to die like an old dog.

While back then homosexuality was illegal criminal offence. I you were gay it Caused intensive fear you lived with of being found out. It is no wonder some of us still live with in a lie about sexuality. I still struggle greatly from homophobia and persecution of gays by society and my Dad. He made an exception for an openly gay man that won the election for the party he supported. I also struggle with sexuality greatly have my whole life.

I mostly only talk about my past here and in therapy. I still feel no one really cares in the real world out side. I am sorry for yours and others pain cause by all different kind of abuse it has hurt us all.

Thanks PTSDin it I am sorry for your pain.
Peace be safe
Esterio