Kintsugi
Sponsor
Yeah, so, the title.
I don’t think I shared it here, but we were never legally married. I was pretty into the idea until sometime last Spring, about 6 months after the ceremony. I became sort of passively ambivalent. Then the summer came, and it went from the back burner to “let’s never discuss this ever and see what happens.”
I got my job. Huge boon for me until we lost 20% of our staff in October due to the vaccination mandate, which was VERY literally stayed right after everyone quit just ahead of the deadline in November.
If you followed my last previous post, it was the right decision to quit early last month. I know I talked about my arrest and my cataclysmic spike in resurfaced memories and savage symptoms, but I’m not sure I included my husband, J’s, total psychotic break about two weeks later.
Anyway, things took a sharp downturn for me last August due to revelations that my father totally knew about the abuse by my brother and still pretends to have plausible deniability all this f*cking time (15+ years, but who’s f*cking counting, right?), and then also that he’s showing signs of dementia, so that’s awesome for closure.
Shortly thereafter, J began having these spells of paranoid delusions. I’ve seen it before, especially when we first moved, but I wasn’t really that alarmed. He did have a pretty severe maybe psychotic break while tripping (LSD, not a large dose at all relatively speaking) earlier last year, but I figured he got over it.
September was rough, but I just figured he was intimidated by my job and income. October seemed mostly okay. Then we lost so many staff, and I was working constantly and at odd hours, plus he had then had quite a bit of contact with my coworker, friend, but also subordinate, who is admittedly extremely attractive and educated and a painter but also who I was trying hard to set up with my friend.
Then I got arrested, and about two weeks later, J ate a shitload of poisonous hallucinogenic seeds I f*cking TOLD him I had researched and found dangerous.
He had a total psychotic break for like 48 hours, which included him scaring the shit out of me by accident but then later also triggering me on purpose to make me quiet and complacent.
It was a real shitshow. I couldn’t get out of bed, literally except for one bathroom run, for two days.
Well. He never took full accountability. And then he just kept getting worse.
I’ve been making escape plans for a couple months. Yesterday I finally looked into housing on the other side of the state near family. I mean. I was about to vanish.
But then I did some research. I always avoid the assumption of schizophrenia, but after looking into it, he is f*cking textbook for the onset.
So like… I have no idea what to do. I confronted him about it today. It did not go well. My best friend, who is the only person with whom I’m always transparent and who is the only person I’ve been honest with about everything, concurs that everything seems to finally be clicking if he’s developing schizophrenia. It all makes sense, right down to his super impossibly mysterious biological father no one will speak of.
So like. F*ck. Help. Anyone.
I don’t think I shared it here, but we were never legally married. I was pretty into the idea until sometime last Spring, about 6 months after the ceremony. I became sort of passively ambivalent. Then the summer came, and it went from the back burner to “let’s never discuss this ever and see what happens.”
I got my job. Huge boon for me until we lost 20% of our staff in October due to the vaccination mandate, which was VERY literally stayed right after everyone quit just ahead of the deadline in November.
If you followed my last previous post, it was the right decision to quit early last month. I know I talked about my arrest and my cataclysmic spike in resurfaced memories and savage symptoms, but I’m not sure I included my husband, J’s, total psychotic break about two weeks later.
Anyway, things took a sharp downturn for me last August due to revelations that my father totally knew about the abuse by my brother and still pretends to have plausible deniability all this f*cking time (15+ years, but who’s f*cking counting, right?), and then also that he’s showing signs of dementia, so that’s awesome for closure.
Shortly thereafter, J began having these spells of paranoid delusions. I’ve seen it before, especially when we first moved, but I wasn’t really that alarmed. He did have a pretty severe maybe psychotic break while tripping (LSD, not a large dose at all relatively speaking) earlier last year, but I figured he got over it.
September was rough, but I just figured he was intimidated by my job and income. October seemed mostly okay. Then we lost so many staff, and I was working constantly and at odd hours, plus he had then had quite a bit of contact with my coworker, friend, but also subordinate, who is admittedly extremely attractive and educated and a painter but also who I was trying hard to set up with my friend.
Then I got arrested, and about two weeks later, J ate a shitload of poisonous hallucinogenic seeds I f*cking TOLD him I had researched and found dangerous.
He had a total psychotic break for like 48 hours, which included him scaring the shit out of me by accident but then later also triggering me on purpose to make me quiet and complacent.
It was a real shitshow. I couldn’t get out of bed, literally except for one bathroom run, for two days.
Well. He never took full accountability. And then he just kept getting worse.
I’ve been making escape plans for a couple months. Yesterday I finally looked into housing on the other side of the state near family. I mean. I was about to vanish.
But then I did some research. I always avoid the assumption of schizophrenia, but after looking into it, he is f*cking textbook for the onset.
So like… I have no idea what to do. I confronted him about it today. It did not go well. My best friend, who is the only person with whom I’m always transparent and who is the only person I’ve been honest with about everything, concurs that everything seems to finally be clicking if he’s developing schizophrenia. It all makes sense, right down to his super impossibly mysterious biological father no one will speak of.
So like. F*ck. Help. Anyone.
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