Shame And Trauma

[The Albatross]

I It was simply an accident...

Hold that thought and try to work with believing it. It was an accident and it happened, it's over, punishing yourself for a lifetime won't change it, but it was an accident and it's time to get on with your life.

 

[wcdean]

... I can't believe how much this forum is helping me ...

Pretty genious, Albatross. I didn't even consciously write that, but those are my words, and you are right that I need to believe it; I am working on it. You guys amaze me.

 

[Zipperhead]

Funny thing here Clay, In jail,,,they have therapists. Getting off probably didn't do you any favours. Seems sad that we treat our criminals better than we treat the rest of society. I wasn't convicted either. They actually gave me seven medals. Let the punishment begin.

So how do we erase the guilt / shame. It is the common thread. I think we all have it. I think it's killing us. And it's not our fault.

 

[Sandra]

So true The Albatross. We can't change the past so it's best to put issues behind oneself and move on. But at times that is easier said then done.

 

[ClairBear226]

So how do we erase the guilt / shame. It is the common thread. I think we all have it. I think it's killing us. And it's not our fault.

Haven't figured that one out either. Give me a heads up when you get that one nailed down, will ya? Cuz it really kind of sucks.

 

[ClairBear226]

I feel like I deserve the pain, the anguish.

Roger, that.
Maybe the most screwed up part about this thing, I think. I can tell myself all day long that I didn't deserve what happened, and intellectually, I know it. Emotionally, I don't.

Clayton, I've felt that way too - that I've finally got a place where I can talk about the un-talkable. I'm taking baby steps, anyway. Glad you've found that too.

 

[Sandra]

I will speak for myself on this statement. "I find it easier to deal with turmoil as to me that is normal".

Acts of kindness is very hard for me to deal with since I have not experienced much of that in my life.

And I find too that if they are kind to me, I wonder if they are they being sincere with me.

 

[mamachick]

Until I read through all of the posts, I did not realize how much guilt is still effecting me. Intelectually, Ive accepted, but emotionally there is much shame and guilt. I was a mental health counselor. I loved my profession. I care about people and empathy has been a strength and a weakness. I had an accident with a brain injury although mild. I suffered physical injuries and was in a great deal of pain. I became sleep deprived. My brain was not working properly and it was taking longer to do everything. I was frustrated. I looked around and life was going on. I did not stop because I could not. Life was demanding and I could not take time off from anything. You do not desert your clients. Who gets time off when they are a single parent of teen daughters. I continued in physical pain and ptsd symptoms as well as cognitive functioning for two years before I closed practice and took a break from work. I felt like I failed. I gave up on contributing to what I believed in, in what I taught my daughters. They thought their mother was strong but she was frail.

After I stopped working I changed medications for depression and became worse. I vascilated between anger and depression until I didnt want to live another day. I let my life deteriorate. I couldnt get it together. I couldnt pay the bills. I was weak and I broke. Its been 2 and half years coming back up and am doing well in other ways, but I realize how much shame I have for falling.

Clairbear-I can relate so well to what you said in an earlier post about being sicker than your patients. That hit home for me. I was feeling like a fake at times. I was encouraging health in others that I was having difficulty locating in myself.

 

[wcdean]

"I find it easier to deal with turmoil as to me that is normal".
Acts of kindness is very hard for me to deal with since I have not experienced much of that in my life.
And I find too that if they are kind to me, I wonder if they are they being sincere with me.

My T said the exact same thing to me yesterday. I am normal, the way that I feel is the way any normal human being would feel after such an event. To not be this way, not have these feelings would be abnormal, and yet I am "comfortable" with the pain, comfortable with bottling it up, comfortable with beating myself up constantly. If I were physcially able to keep going like this he knew that I would, but I can't and I have told him that, but he acknowledges the innate desire to hang on to the "old" me. It's easier...

I have a slogan in my battle against PTSD. It is only something I have recently begun saying, "I know that I am making the right decisions, because out of all my options, the choices that I am making now are the most difficult ones".

It's easy to hide, easy to go back to drugs, easy to quit my job and start a new one where no one knows; I faked it for 14 years what's another 14, right? I don't let people do nice things for me; I'm more than happy to give people the shirt off my back, but I refuse to ask for help; I pride myself on doing things alone. I don't think less of people who accept help, but I have never needed it, except now. I've finally met my match, something I cannot do alone. That in itself is a hard pill to swallow. Asking for help crippled me. My whole foundation has now been rocked; I'm not as tough as I thought I was, I thought I could hold the weight of the world on my shoulders and not crumble, not falter, but it would seem that we are all human, all have our breaking points, all will need help at one point in our lives, and it is my turn.

That doesn't make it any easier, so again, I know it's the right decision.

 

[Sandra]

I can so relate to what you said Wcdean. And I hate having these feelings like this all the time. :(

 

[ClairBear226]

I pride myself on doing things alone. I don't think less of people who accept help, but I have never needed it, except now. I've finally met my match, something I cannot do alone. That in itself is a hard pill to swallow. Asking for help crippled me. My whole foundation has now been rocked; I'm not as tough as I thought I was, I thought I could hold the weight of the world on my shoulders and not crumble, not falter, but it would seem that we are all human, all have our breaking points, all will need help at one point in our lives, and it is my turn.

Honestly, I could have written that myself. I'm trying to learn to be a bit kinder to myself, but I am, after all, my own worst enemy some days.

Since you brought up slogans, Dean, I'm kind of wondering if anyone else has a slogan or a quote that helps them get through the rough patches? I'll go start a new thread for that, and put a link up.

 

[ClairBear226]

"I know that I am making the right decisions, because out of all my options, the choices that I am making now are the most difficult ones".

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/slogans-and-quotes-that-get-you-through-the-rough-patches.19979/[/DLMURL]

Here's the link to the thread I started. Dean, would you add yours there?