She always assumed her childhood was a happy one. Yes, there have always been some strange memories - but it was mostly like a nightmare, half forgotten and not clear at all.
And now she remembers. Not much, not everything, but she is scared. Anytime she sees a man looking at her with desire, anytime she listens to trembling voice - she panics. And no, she doesn´t believe he loves her, because for the first time someone looked at her a spoke to her in that way, it wasn´t love.
She was too scared. She knew him, he was her uncle, they used to talk a laugh together, she even loved him - she was like five years old, maybe even younger. She had no idea he could ever possibly hurt her. She didn´t protest. She didn ´t scream. She didn´t cry. He told her to take of her own clothes and so did he. She hated the touch. Her hands were too little. And his eyes were closed and in his voice was something - something - the noises, he did... He held her hands and she was too weak, she tried too put them away, but she couldn´t. So she just scared at his face and hated herself, not even him. Maybe there is more of it, but she doesn´t remember. She hopes he didn´t take all of her - but still, it was quite enough for such a small child.
He never apologized. Always acted as if nothing wrong ever happened. But it did happen. Probably more then once. Maybe even for months or years. She saw him after that, day by day, year by year. She always though she was a bad person, because she could not love him. Sometimes she cried alone at night, when no one could hear. She could not look at him. And yet she remained silent. But anytime he held her hand saying hallo or goodbye, she went to the bathroom and washed her hand with soap, trembling, but almost never crying.
The first time she tried to date somebody it was similar. She couldn´t resist. She wanted to end it, but she couldn´t. He also forbid her to speak and so she didn´t speak. And since then the memories were coming back. She cried a lot. She was all alone with that, thinking about herself as an unpure, horrible and evil person. After a few months he left her. Since then she tried to avoid relationships.
And still, sometimes she had to see the man who hurt her when she was such a small child. Now she finally told her parents, because she knew she would kill herself if she had to see his face again. She will never ever see him again. But the memories grow stronger and stronger day by day, while she feels weaker and weaker...
There is a man, a dear and close friend whom she loves, he cares for her and she knows he would never, never ever hurt her. But even the thought of him holding her in his arms is almost killing her. And she is still scared. She goes to a therapy and really tries to live somehow, but sometimes she just cries and thinks about cutting her palms, sometimes she tries to do it, when the memories of fear and shame come back, but the knives are luckily not sharp enough.
And this is the only one way she can write it... as if it was somebody else. Not her. Because she blames herself for that. She still doesn´t believe she is a good person. She thinks she had to be bad, otherwise he wouldn´t hurt her... And she doesn´t understand it at all.
And now she remembers. Not much, not everything, but she is scared. Anytime she sees a man looking at her with desire, anytime she listens to trembling voice - she panics. And no, she doesn´t believe he loves her, because for the first time someone looked at her a spoke to her in that way, it wasn´t love.
She was too scared. She knew him, he was her uncle, they used to talk a laugh together, she even loved him - she was like five years old, maybe even younger. She had no idea he could ever possibly hurt her. She didn´t protest. She didn ´t scream. She didn´t cry. He told her to take of her own clothes and so did he. She hated the touch. Her hands were too little. And his eyes were closed and in his voice was something - something - the noises, he did... He held her hands and she was too weak, she tried too put them away, but she couldn´t. So she just scared at his face and hated herself, not even him. Maybe there is more of it, but she doesn´t remember. She hopes he didn´t take all of her - but still, it was quite enough for such a small child.
He never apologized. Always acted as if nothing wrong ever happened. But it did happen. Probably more then once. Maybe even for months or years. She saw him after that, day by day, year by year. She always though she was a bad person, because she could not love him. Sometimes she cried alone at night, when no one could hear. She could not look at him. And yet she remained silent. But anytime he held her hand saying hallo or goodbye, she went to the bathroom and washed her hand with soap, trembling, but almost never crying.
The first time she tried to date somebody it was similar. She couldn´t resist. She wanted to end it, but she couldn´t. He also forbid her to speak and so she didn´t speak. And since then the memories were coming back. She cried a lot. She was all alone with that, thinking about herself as an unpure, horrible and evil person. After a few months he left her. Since then she tried to avoid relationships.
And still, sometimes she had to see the man who hurt her when she was such a small child. Now she finally told her parents, because she knew she would kill herself if she had to see his face again. She will never ever see him again. But the memories grow stronger and stronger day by day, while she feels weaker and weaker...
There is a man, a dear and close friend whom she loves, he cares for her and she knows he would never, never ever hurt her. But even the thought of him holding her in his arms is almost killing her. And she is still scared. She goes to a therapy and really tries to live somehow, but sometimes she just cries and thinks about cutting her palms, sometimes she tries to do it, when the memories of fear and shame come back, but the knives are luckily not sharp enough.
And this is the only one way she can write it... as if it was somebody else. Not her. Because she blames herself for that. She still doesn´t believe she is a good person. She thinks she had to be bad, otherwise he wouldn´t hurt her... And she doesn´t understand it at all.
