General Shell Shocked

[PTSDMama]

It's been two weeks, at least, of a cycle of almost constant aggression and violence from my son. I have had to be on guard constantly so that he's not punching my in the jaw, trying to pull my hair, grab my breasts, kick me, etc. In between, when my husband, his tae kwon do teacher, his therapist, or his grandpa are around, I get some relief as he does not tend to do those things around those people. I also have some relief when doing school work sometimes (we home school for a number of reasons, one of which is that he would not last in a public school with ratios the way they are, etc.)

Of course, I've been doing the things that can help him - music, art, exercise, etc. but some days the myriad of things that we can try don't help.

Yesterday and today, he has been back to the sweet boy he is...saying things like, mama, you don't need makeup - you sparkle already. And doing his jobs around the house, doing the things we ask, etc. He's been accepting to affection once again, etc. which is such a blessing because he so desparately needs it.

I'm so thankful for all of these things. I really am. And I love my boy. Right now, though, I am feeling so shell shocked. I feel like I just want to go to bed and stay there. I have no desire to respond to these sweet moments with him. I am responding, and I am doing all the things I'm supposed to do for him...but inside I feel so dry and weary. I so want to enjoy these moments and can't right now.

Thanks for listening. I keep saying this will pass, and I've been drawing on the strength of God. But wanted to try writing it out here too to see if that would help as well.

 

[PTSDMama]

So after this post, we went on a hike, which was glorious. Until he had to say goodbye to the working dog at the park and until I told him he would not be able to get a toy dog from the gift shop. This is a trigger for him - me saying no to him. The therapist explained that because someone saying no in the past was joined with screaming, yelling, etc. his body still remembers that and goes into fight or flight mode, both of which he tried to do there today.

I was actually able to calm him down while there and on the way home, which felt fantastic. That hasn't happened in quite some time, and usually ends up with him trying to hurt me. Yay for a victory!

 

[ProudWife99]

Yay for Victory indeed. I don't have much in the way of advice to offer, just know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

 

[PTSDMama]

Thanks! He's been working so hard lately and the most he's done has been raise his fists. So glad that he's been able to calm down enough and think before he actually follows through.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi PTSD Mama,

How is your lad doing?

Reading your posts, I recalled some of the de-escalation training (Team Teach) I have had. One of the elements was learning how to step back and hand over to someone else when the child's anger was becoming targeted at you. I am not suggesting you leave the building, he may interpret that as a desertion, but if someone else emotionally connected with him could step in with the same reassurance mantras as you use?

I wish we were on the same continent, I could drop round and offer more than kind words on the internet.

 

[PTSDMama]

Hi there! He's actually doing great if we're not at home. As soon as we get in the vicinity, he gets oppositional, angry, aggressive, etc. He has started back to physical aggression with me. I did take more jobs last week, so was gone more...that's the only thing my husband and I can nail down. So we've been doing lots of work with making sure I'm focused on him when I am home. My husband even took the day off work today to do a family day - he seemed to desparately need it.

It's interesting what you said about letting people take over. Several have told me that but I have always hesitated, thinking that he would think I was leaving him or that it undermined my authority - like I was weak. I didn't want him to interpret me leaving as my husband (or sister, brother-in-law, etc.) protecting me and therefore I couldn't handle it. But, I've also thought that it is such a great example to him that people who love each other don't let each other get hurt. So I have waffled on it depending on the situation.

Thank you for your insight and for checking on him!

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hey, your situation is one I have experience of as a practitioner and I am more than aware of the impacts of his behaviours and the toll it can take. I feel for you and your family.

Regarding the handing over stuff, it will be very important to explain it to him gentley outside of his rage, and for you to not be too far away. It might be worth a try, with you re-engaging when he enters the tearful down swing to comfort him? Of course you would need to discuss this with your husband and make a clear plan of signals etc.

I am working with one 12 yr old lad who has his mum under his control at home but is compliant at school. A second boy starts moaning and acting up as we turn the corner of his street, having been relaxed and content all afternoon.

Keep us in mind.