Relationship She's Pregnant And Has Ptsd

[Tomas33]

Hi there -

My first post to this forum. Thanks for taking the time to read. I'll keep it short as I can.

My wife has PTSD from a pretty brutal physically and emotionally violent relationship. It includes rape and a subsequent forced abortion. We've been together for a while now (years) and I have absolutely seen the PTSD come out in various forms - mainly isolation and shutting me out. I had no idea that others suffered this same way her and I have until I read the supporters forum.

She's 4 months pregnant now. We both wanted a child. Unfortunately it's bringing out the worst in her. And probably me as well. Obviously there's tons of physical and emotional things going on with her being pregnant. But it appears I have triggered the PTSD beast and there has been no escape from it. In fact, I think I am her trigger at this point. I can only describe my life with her in one word right now - hell. It's the worst hell I have ever experienced. She actually hates "me". I put me in quotes because I know she loves me, and doesn't hate me. However she's not seeing me. She's projecting her past traumas onto me. There's no sex, which - OK I can survive. But there's no intimacy, no cuddling, no love. I do everything I can, she doesn't have to do much at all. I pay the bills, do the dishes, clean, massage...everything I can but there is no love coming my way.

She has now said a couple times that she wants us to not be "together" but to still be family, never wants sex again...etc. She's always been hot and cold. Push and pull. It's always been this way but it's never been so consistently cold like this pregnancy. I work from home and she's basically on bedrest as she's constantly sick. Needless to say, every day drags endlessly since we're so close to each other. I can't really escape the pain of being, well, hated every day.

I went to jail once for driving on a suspended license, years ago. Spent one night there. I would compare time right now to time in jail. Every minute is like an hour. I really don't know what to do. I don't know if we'll survive. No one has a crystal ball, but I wish someone could just tell me - "She'll come back".

Does anyone have any suggestions? Or - maybe you have gone through something similar?

Thank you in advance,

Tomas

 

[Strongeras1]

First off let me say I feel for you and you are not alone. PTSD affects more than just the individual who experienced the trauma. I can tell you from personal experience it is not our intent to push away the ones we love but that it is a common way of coping withdrawing and isolating ourselves from everything and everyone. I am a product of this my PTSD which stemmed mostly from Military experiences tore my family apart. eventually resulting in my wife leaving me. she wanted to understand what I was going through she really did..but the hArder she pushed me the farther I pushed her away. I went through periods of isolation where I would drink heavily. Needless to say intimacy was almost non-existent. Since then I have come along way but it's been a long road to where I am now. But Understand that their is no magic cure for PTSD it isn't something that just goes away on its own either it will always be their. But I can tell you first hand it is possible to have PTSD and still live a prosperous, rich, and fulfilling life. But what it comes down to is they have to want the help just like you can't force a drug addict or alcoholic into sobriety. They have to want it for themselves. And let me tell you as well treatment/ therapy isn't pretty either many times it has to get worse before it gets better. If you love someone with PTSD and you want to know how to help ? Love. Patience. Kindness. That is what we need.

I wish you and yours the best of luck. Stay strong. It gets better. I promise.

 

[Friday]

Has she been evaluated for antepartum depression?

It's exactly the same as postpartum depression (hormone driven, also loosely linked with cervical dysplasia / cervical cancer) ... Except only happens during pregnancy. It's a lot rarer / less well known than PPD, so often gets missed.

Don't get me wrong, PTSD is enough all on its own, but APD just jumps out of the frying pan and into the fire. AND (why I bring it up), if so there are stabilizing meds that are safe to take during pregnancy.

_____

Similar experience...

I have PTSD, but antepartum depression also runs in my family (hint: if you've ever heard "the suicide hours" discussed in her family about/around pregnancy -often but not always in the evening-, as an expected / daily thing, this is one of the common tells. It's an old phrase, but I've met a few dozen families who still use it. Aka 99% of all the women I've known who are prone to it.).

I've only been pregnant with both antepartum depression & PTSD (also on bedrest, as I was high risk from the placenta ripping, as it had in the past / prior miscarriages). Yep. Hell pretty much describes it perfectly. It's a perfect storm of massive stress, and insane hormones, and pure awfulness. Upside on the APD, it vanishes the day they're born, and you just start feeling more and more like yourself. Double upside... Without the huge stress of pregnancy (and APD, in my case)... My PTSD symptoms all but vanished as well. It was one of those angels singing on high hallelujah chorus type weeks the week my son was born. 10,000 pounds lifted. "Normal" (my version of it, anyway) returned in one fell swoop of a magic wand.

While pregnant, I was. never. doing. this. again. After figuring out what was going on (My OB almost throttled me for not clueing her into the depression)... Decided to use Clomid (fertility drug) to shoot for twins/triplets so I could be pregnant as little as possible. Because pregnancy was & is pure hell. Shudder. Nightmarish. Absolutely nightmarish.

But, yeah. It's a limited time operation. 10mo & done. New babies are all kinds of stress, but at least in my case, not even 10% the stress of being preggers.

 

[Tomas33]

Thank you both, so much! Your replies made me tear up (lots of that lately).

"Love. Patience. Kindness. That is what we need." I love it. I wonder if she has the patience, or will throw in the towel on me before this is up. Nights like tonight I wonder if I have the patience, but seeing that response gave me more.

@FridayJones I pray you're right, and that it's gone after the baby is born. As far as APD it crossed my mind. She's only been to the doctor once so far and I sat in the waiting room for 3 hours. We're going for the ultrasound soon. (Which, also, I'm not allowed to come in for) So I haven't had the chance to chime in with any doctors. I wonder if you could tell me a little bit more about your spouse during your pregnancy, since it sounds similar to us? How did you guys survive it...did you fight, were you distant/cold?

 

[GWhizz]

From my own personal experience - hormones do horrible things to any woman - ptsd or not. During my pregnancy I was the happiest ever though - suppose it suited me. But postnatally my hormones went so out of whack that I actually lost it for over a year, actually until I quit breastfeeding. I would say I was at my worst ever that year. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression but it wasn't until after that they amended that diagnosis to ptsd from childhood trauma.

I would suggest her maybe trying to talk with her ob/gyn or psych doc if she has one.

Just don't take what she's saying literally right now because if it's the hormones coupled by a ptsd flare, then she needs support to get through this.

Sorry it's so rough right now.

 

[J_trustno1]

I'm sorry to see you suffer with her. But with Ptsd, we have trusting issues. It's like you are living in past in your present moment. Once the trigger is set, the fear and emotions start peaking and there are only few ways to release it and these few ways can include : Anger, frustration, crying spells (myself), saddness and a Very big YES to that suicide hour which @FridayJones mentioned.

I used to get depressed from 6pm to 8 pm in the evenings before this whole Ptsd thing was part if my life. In those 2 hours, I'd be crying my heart out, pulling my hair and actually wanting to hit my head against the wall till I bleed (i was a cowered to do this last bit). But you can get the idea how bad those peak hours get.

With your wife, you'll need to be understanding and Please I beg you NOT to push her because it'll come back to you 10 folds high. The more you try arguing with her, the worse she can get and it can lead to her damaging herself or you or saying hurtful things to you. So PLEASE PLEASE and PLEASE do NOT provoke her no matter what happens because she will be running on emotions NOT the reality.

Next up is, don't try too hard either because she'll also suspect your intentions and again will lead to arguments and disappointment. The best thing to do is listen to her politely, calmly and only help when she's willing to accept it.

I'm speaking from nearly 12 years of depression experience and almost 2 years of Ptsd. Sorry that you are in a complex situation. Wish you the very best and my thoughts are with you.

 

[Sandstone]

Yes, been there, I was crazy while pregnant. it's horrible to live for both of of you. It might get better when the sickness ends - for me that wasn't till week 21.

So far as physical contact goes, have you made it clear that you accept there will be no sex? I know I've feared any physical contact for where it might lead, so drawn the boundary at " you can't even come within touching distance". You could say that you want to do something supportive and physical - holding hands, brushing her hair - whatever you know from the past is unthreatening, and promise there will be absolutely nothing more. It's about re-building trust. I know that is horrible and unfair, because you have done nothing to destroy trust, but you are both where you are.

What support do you each have? Are either of you seeing a therapist?

 

[shimmerz]

Forced abortion....this speaks something to me. It is my experience that we 'remember' somatically past experiences. Has she passed the week that the abortion was done? It is very possible that once the baby is safely born she will be able to get on with being herself again. I know that I suffered tremendously through my pregnancies without even knowing my traumatic past and why that was. It makes sense now but it didn't then.

 

[ihateusernames]

t's exactly the same as postpartum depression (hormone driven, also loosely linked with cervical dysplasia / cervical cancer) ... Except only happens during pregnancy.

While there probably is some other stuff going on with your wife this is where my mind went. I hated my husband when I was pregnant. Just suddenly became repulsed by him and really kind of everybody. I have been pregnant 3 times, only carried to term once, but I can look back and see it happening each time starting after the first 5 or 6 weeks. It can make even totally healthy happy women crazy. I'm sorry things are so bad for you guys right now.

 

[WildMermaid]

@Tomas33 please say she's getting therapy. I had EMDR during pregnancy and I also had hypnosis and honestly both help greatly! She needs help through this, pregnancy is scary after severe abuse, and as compassionate as you sound she may still need help from the outside. Our hormones get whacked out during and after pregnancy, just hang tight, and get her help if she'll accept it! Sending good wishes to you both.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Have her get therapy IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!! This could be a life or death situation.....she can't take her meds because of the baby and her doctor should have her under some kind of immediate home care just in case.

 

[Tomas33]

Thank you all so much for your attention, care and responses. It really means so much to me.

I wish I could say she's getting therapy. She's not ready for it. I payed for her to go to my therapist a few times several months ago, and like the gentleman said above - it gets worse before it gets better. Well she couldn't take it, and it did get worse first, so she stopped. My therapist told me after I inquired about why she would stop going that "getting help and not getting help is scary and difficult for the exact same reasons".

We did have a bit of a breakthrough yesterday, where she kinda came back. She heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time. I think it may have something to do with that. So she's been in isolation mode this whole time and has requested I not tell my large family about pregnancy, which I obliged this whole time. Well yesterday was a big family party, I went alone and received a text from her that I could tell everyone. It was a huge relief and I think a big step for her. It was also a joyous, surprising moment with my family.

So that's the latest. I love the good days, and we're on one now.