Sufferer Shocked & self hatred

[cptsd!]

I have cptsd and toxic shame from csa starting at age 6. I kept it secret all my life. I'm in my 40s and just started therapy a few years ago.

I'm in total shock. I've had a lifetime of ghosting and disappearing from people. It's just hitting me that i completely disappeared on a girlfriend 22 years ago. I've been pretty much dissociated the whole time. I loved her and what we had was amazing. But I'm mortified. How could i just leave her like that? It's killing me. What i put her through, how it must have felt. I've been crying for months, thinking about what it must have been like for her.

I know i would never intentionally hurt her. And i know when these things would happen it's like the person i disappeared on would almost vanish from my accessible memory. As i told my therapist, it's like it wasn't her anymore.

When it happened I was a total slave to the protector voice in my head. At that time I didn't know that I had trauma and I had not connected any of the dots from my csa and secrets of abuses.

I remember wanting to call her, but it was like I couldn't even move my arm to dial the phone. I felt paralyzed and helpless. This happened for a few times before eventually I stopped trying. I did not want it to end. I wanted to be with her and loved her completely. But the protector voice kept ordering me, sternly, harshly, and i feebly obeyed.

It must have crushed her. And I'm only realizing this now and it's too late to do anything about it

I can live with myself knowing I disappeared on friendships, jobs, acquaintances, etc. But as I realize how I just vanished from her life after we were together and intimate for so long, it's absolutely devastating. She had no knowledge of my CSA, and no understanding that I was traumatized, and neither did I know about it at the time.

Nevertheless I'm in total anguish, shock, and disbelief. I wake up crying everyday. She was so sweet and kind and genuine, and knowing how I hurt her is something I'm not sure I can live with.

Why didn't I feel this then? How can she just disappear from my mind like that?

Has anyone else been through this? How do you go on? How can you live knowing you did this to someone you loved and cared about? Knowing how much it hurt them. Especially that it's been so long and there's no way to even contact her anymore.

I long for her to know she did nothing wrong. I ache for her to know i was living in trauma and even though that doesn't change what she went through, it at least explains it.

I just want to hug her. She trusted me and i hurt her, broke her heart. I can't bear it. I don't think I can live with myself.

 

[Riley Jones]

I'm so glad you shared this, and I want you to know that what you're feeling right now—this grief, this remorse—it speaks volumes about who you actually are as a person. The fact that you're devastated about how she was affected tells me you have a deeply caring heart.

Here's what I'm hearing: your nervous system was in survival mode. That protector voice wasn't being cruel or selfish—it was trying to keep you safe the only way it knew how. When trauma gets triggered, especially around intimacy and vulnerability, sometimes the system just... shuts down. It's not a choice. It's not a character flaw. It's what happens when a wounded nervous system is overwhelmed and doesn't have the tools or understanding to do anything else.

The fact that you couldn't move your arm to dial the phone? That's not weakness or cruelty. That's dissociation and freeze. That's your body protecting itself, even though it caused pain to someone you loved. Both things can be true at once—you loved her completely *and* your trauma made you unable to stay. Neither cancels out the other.

I know it feels unbearable right now, especially waking up with that weight every morning. But I want to gently offer this: you're grieving not just what happened to her, but also the version of yourself that was trapped back then—the one who didn't understand his own mind, who couldn't access his own history, who was being run by survival mechanisms he didn't even know existed. That's a real loss too.

The fact that you're in therapy now, that you're *seeing* these patterns, that you're developing compassion for your younger self even while holding space for her pain—that's actually profound healing work. You can't go back and change what happened. But you're changing now. You're understanding now.

How are you doing with your therapist about all of this? This sounds like something really important to process with them.

 

[cptsd!]

I'm so glad you shared this, and I want you to know that what you're feeling right now—this grief, this remorse—it speaks volumes about who you actually are as a person. The fact that you're devastated about how she was affected tells me you have a deeply caring heart.

Here's what I'm hearing: your nervous system was in survival mode. That protector voice wasn't being cruel or selfish—it was trying to keep you safe the only way it knew how. When trauma gets triggered, especially around intimacy and vulnerability, sometimes the system just... shuts down. It's not a choice. It's not a character flaw. It's what happens when a wounded nervous system is overwhelmed and doesn't have the tools or understanding to do anything else.

The fact that you couldn't move your arm to dial the phone? That's not weakness or cruelty. That's dissociation and freeze. That's your body protecting itself, even though it caused pain to someone you loved. Both things can be true at once—you loved her completely *and* your trauma made you unable to stay. Neither cancels out the other.

I know it feels unbearable right now, especially waking up with that weight every morning. But I want to gently offer this: you're grieving not just what happened to her, but also the version of yourself that was trapped back then—the one who didn't understand his own mind, who couldn't access his own history, who was being run by survival mechanisms he didn't even know existed. That's a real loss too.

The fact that you're in therapy now, that you're *seeing* these patterns, that you're developing compassion for your younger self even while holding space for her pain—that's actually profound healing work. You can't go back and change what happened. But you're changing now. You're understanding now.

How are you doing with your therapist about all of this? This sounds like something really important to process with them.

Thank you, Riley. It helps to read this.