So recently my fiance has gone onto medicine for his Bipolar disorder. its been helping him a whole lot and taking stress off my shoulders from not having to be worried he might not make it through the night or day every other day. im not saying i didnt want to do it, because id do it everyday if i had to, because i made a promise to be there through the good and bad and im not one to go back on promises.
as of last night i realized i cannot expect the same from him. He fell asleep at my apartment when he stopped by after work, and we recently have been arguing over me "being miserable all the time and how its getting old". so when i felt myself start to panic and felt the tears coming on i tried to keep him awake so he could drive home, and of course he got offended i was trying to desperately to kick him out. so i let him sleep, and tried to have my panic attack as quietly as i could.
well he ended up waking up as i was crying and such, and he got concerned of course and asked what was wrong, in the state i was in i could barely bring myself to talk and i guess that pissed him off. he got mad that i was upset yet again and started saying "if this is what youre gonna do im just gonna go home" and i tried to tell him that i couldnt help it that this was why i tried to get him to leave so we wouldnt fight over this. and of course we ended up fighting
he kept saying he was tired of how i could barely even smile these days and i wasnt doing anything except being miserable. he said i had to learn to deal with it bc other people have problems and work and have responsibilities and have to get through it and i never do anything except sit on my ass (ive recently lost my job which is the 2nd job this year to fire me) then he started telling me that if i couldnt just be happy that he couldnt be with me. he said he couldnt spend all his time trying to fix me (ive always told him, even before the more recent trauma that i never needed someone to fix me, that all i needed was patience and understanding and a little support when needed) he said that to protect his own mental health he had to surround himself with quality people who didnt drag him down. he started saying that he thinks maybe im hopeless and that ill never get better, and as hard as i tried to explain to him that i was trying and doing everything i could to get better he said that i couldnt be trying that hard bc he didnt see any change in me at all.
i told him that ive barely seen him the past week, and the past week was really hard but if you had been around you would see i am making a lot of progress, but its hard to keep that progress up when you constantly take your anger out on me and tear me down and tell me youre losing your faith in me. i told him after everything i stuck with him through (cheating mulitple times, emotional abuse, and he strangled me which were all due to manic episodes of being bipolar) because i knew that he would get better some day and i wanted to help him get there bc i knew after he got better it would all be worth it, but now it seems that you are doing better that you dont want to accept the fact that i am also ill and that i need help too. i told him i was tired of him never being there for me when it actually mattered. (okay i realize reading back through this that was a bit dramatic, he was there for me through getting clena and off drugs which i appreciate, but to me it doesnt count bc he constantly holds it over my head that he had to do that and acts like i still after everything else owe him bc of it) he kept saying that if i couldnt be happy he was going to leave, he said he couldnt wait much longer that he couldnt let me drag him down
and now im in a tight spot bc i dont want to lose him. thats my biggest fear is losing the person who means the most to me in this world, but after that it has put this...angry determination in me to get better and prove everyone who ever doubt me wrong, and im not sure if i think hes worthy of me when im finally there if he doesnt want to be there to push me back up when i fall back down. im not sure anymore. i love him and want to build a life with him, but it seems to me that maybe he only wants me when im happy and he doesnt think im worth the work to help.
i know i dont believe im hopeless, but deep down im feeling that nagging feeling of uncertainty if ill ever be able to get better
as of last night i realized i cannot expect the same from him. He fell asleep at my apartment when he stopped by after work, and we recently have been arguing over me "being miserable all the time and how its getting old". so when i felt myself start to panic and felt the tears coming on i tried to keep him awake so he could drive home, and of course he got offended i was trying to desperately to kick him out. so i let him sleep, and tried to have my panic attack as quietly as i could.
well he ended up waking up as i was crying and such, and he got concerned of course and asked what was wrong, in the state i was in i could barely bring myself to talk and i guess that pissed him off. he got mad that i was upset yet again and started saying "if this is what youre gonna do im just gonna go home" and i tried to tell him that i couldnt help it that this was why i tried to get him to leave so we wouldnt fight over this. and of course we ended up fighting
he kept saying he was tired of how i could barely even smile these days and i wasnt doing anything except being miserable. he said i had to learn to deal with it bc other people have problems and work and have responsibilities and have to get through it and i never do anything except sit on my ass (ive recently lost my job which is the 2nd job this year to fire me) then he started telling me that if i couldnt just be happy that he couldnt be with me. he said he couldnt spend all his time trying to fix me (ive always told him, even before the more recent trauma that i never needed someone to fix me, that all i needed was patience and understanding and a little support when needed) he said that to protect his own mental health he had to surround himself with quality people who didnt drag him down. he started saying that he thinks maybe im hopeless and that ill never get better, and as hard as i tried to explain to him that i was trying and doing everything i could to get better he said that i couldnt be trying that hard bc he didnt see any change in me at all.
i told him that ive barely seen him the past week, and the past week was really hard but if you had been around you would see i am making a lot of progress, but its hard to keep that progress up when you constantly take your anger out on me and tear me down and tell me youre losing your faith in me. i told him after everything i stuck with him through (cheating mulitple times, emotional abuse, and he strangled me which were all due to manic episodes of being bipolar) because i knew that he would get better some day and i wanted to help him get there bc i knew after he got better it would all be worth it, but now it seems that you are doing better that you dont want to accept the fact that i am also ill and that i need help too. i told him i was tired of him never being there for me when it actually mattered. (okay i realize reading back through this that was a bit dramatic, he was there for me through getting clena and off drugs which i appreciate, but to me it doesnt count bc he constantly holds it over my head that he had to do that and acts like i still after everything else owe him bc of it) he kept saying that if i couldnt be happy he was going to leave, he said he couldnt wait much longer that he couldnt let me drag him down
and now im in a tight spot bc i dont want to lose him. thats my biggest fear is losing the person who means the most to me in this world, but after that it has put this...angry determination in me to get better and prove everyone who ever doubt me wrong, and im not sure if i think hes worthy of me when im finally there if he doesnt want to be there to push me back up when i fall back down. im not sure anymore. i love him and want to build a life with him, but it seems to me that maybe he only wants me when im happy and he doesnt think im worth the work to help.
i know i dont believe im hopeless, but deep down im feeling that nagging feeling of uncertainty if ill ever be able to get better
