Should I Leave My Moms House?

[InHell11]

I will for sure tell the doctor of those concerns, I am more concerned of self harm as I am not a violent person but sometimes when I get set off its so hard to control I worry I could potentially harm someone else as well.

Also no offense but I am not very intrested in the 12 step approach I mean I am struggling with mental problems I have and trying to live with those the best I can but I am not the one who created the chaos I am not the one who chose to grow up in a dysfunctional family or get bullied at school by teachers and other kids and I certainly had nothing to do with the main trauma that the PTSD symptoms showed up after. I guess I've tried making sense of that sort of approach since people in my family have tried it but I just don't get it. Seems like I've blamed myself enough already and it seems 12 step programs might make me beat myself up more than I already have for things I am not really to blame for.

 

[BloomInWinter]

No worries - I hadn't suggested you go to them, only shared some tidbits that have helped me along the way.

12 Step programs aren't about assigning blame, but about being in a group of people who 'get it'....have been there, and are trying to find their way out. But they're definitely not for everyone nor should they ever try to me.

There's another saying that we use that I try to keep in mind everywhere. That is, that I am always free to 'take what I like....and leave the rest.'

...and so are you.

I understand the anger and pain from bullying by teachers and other kids. It's very difficult to overcome and I'm still working at it all these years later. I can also relate to being raised in a dysfunctional family.

You might find some of the trauma diaries in here to be helpful in seeing that you're not alone. Though this is admittedly a 'club' that NONE of us wanted to join. :>

Keep reading, sharing, and being kind to yourself.

 

[InHell11]

Thanks for understanding, and I guess I sort of follow you. Maybe it is best to just let the blame and the pain go which could in turn reduce my anger about it all. I mean I suppose I cannot really let go of the pain its caused me if I worry about who to blame in general. Another problem I have is I a lot of times overly blame myself for everything that goes wrong.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Oh, I'm not saying let any of it go. Some you might someday wish to let go of some of it, or not. You don't have to let go of anything you don't wish to.

I've discovered that trying to just 'let it go' doesn't work for trauma, any more than it would work for a broken leg.

It's an injury. Like all physical trauma, the depth of the injury must be fully assessed by a qualified professional. Then, the options for paths to healing get presented to us...and then we choose the path we think will best work for getting us where we want to go.

Then we come up with a treatment plan, and begin working with our team to healing what can be healed, transforming what we can...and learning how to live with the rest.

But none of us can do it alone. Even if not a counselor, we at least need supportive, healthy people around us.

I think those 'forgive and forget' messages are an unhelpful pile 'o BS for psychological trauma. People who tell us that might be well-intentioned, or our suffering may just be too uncomfortable for them. But we can't heal what we don't feel. Making the pain go 'underground' will cause it to eat away at us from the inside.

What we can do immediately is begin speaking to ourselves gently in our heads. That will, over time, yield much progress in our self-worth.

 

[InHell11]

Yeah I suppose, I wasn't meaning that would solve it, but it seems having some release for some of the negative energy that builds up in me would be a good thing. I am just not sure of the best approach for that.

But yeah it just gets to me how bad I feel and then I wonder how much longer I can possibly go on feeling that way. I will certainly talk about that at my next appointment.

I just hope I can actually get help not a short appointment, a prescription and another appointment in 2 or more weeks. It's difficult trying to hold it together and not be overwhelmed by the symptoms waiting between appointments and waiting to find out what can possibly be done and avoiding things due to fear of more stress causing worse symptoms or whatever other reasons my mind comes up with.

 

[matthios]

I may end up being wildly unpopular for the two following opinions, but they need to be said. I really wish I could offer more creative/constructive commentary, but I don't really understand your situation well enough.

Firstly, if you've never been in a psych-ward before, I can see why you may think it could help. I suppose, somewhere out there, there's a useful ward. I've been in two. The first wasn't terrible, but not in the slightest bit helpful. The second experience? Absolutely terrible. The place was run like a prison without a hint of therapeutic benefit. Over the years I've met a number of folks who've ended up in psych wards. The only two opinions I've heard (and this is heard in person, not read over the intarwubz) is a) "it was so awful it made me vow to do everything in my power never to end up in there again" or b) "Well, I was homeless at the time, so it was better than the streets, but if the shelter had any beds open, I would've gone there."


The second wildly unpopular opinion regards 12 step programs. I find them hugely insulting. IF they work for you? Great! Different strokes for different folks. My issue isn't with the blame, but with all of the "spirituality" rhetoric.

 

[InHell11]

I don't really want to go to a psych ward and am aware it could be a negative experience, but I don't want to kill myself plain and simple. I really cannot handle the pain I'm in so I guess I figure the psych ward would be a better choice. I mean its not like I will have much choice anyways since I plan to be honest about being suicidal. I sort of chickened out the last time and more or less avoided the question while assuring the doctor I wasn't going to act on anything.

Also I am not too keen on the spiritual side of such programs either, I mean I am not an atheist but the philosophy promoted in those programs does not really make any sense to me. I have some other ideas about spirituality nothing to really call my beliefs since they are kind of in the making based on various philosophies and ideas. Those programs seem to be a bit more monotheistic oriented and probably works better for those who follow those kinds of religions. But yeah different strokes I suppose nothing wrong with that.

 

[BloomInWinter]

No problem, mathios. I understand. I lost my faith in god, but thankfully my sponsor (atheist, cancer survivor, long term child abuse, PTSD sufferer) helped me find a concept that worked for me. Prayer as a means of sorting out my desires, goal for myself, to myself. Faith that with the right attitude, skills, and resources, I can have a better life.

Over the 25+ years I've been in the program, I'm witnessed many athiests, agnostics, christians, buddist, and jewish members rebuild their lives. All parts of any 12 step program are optional, after all. I'm only mentioning this so people reading this thread aren't given misinformation. It works for those who work it in whatever way they choose to. No religion is required. But whatever works, awesome!

Inhell1, there exists a wide variety of treatment options. It's far from an 'either' nothing, 'or' psych ward treatment plan. you might be surprised at what all if out there. The important thing is to keep trying until you find what works for you.


But the word spirituality is a real turnoff for many, so whatever works is great.

 

[InHell11]

I don't really have the skills or the energy to go and find other resources I mean I finally have been able to see a doctor and I think this next week its the doctor and psychologist but I thought that is what it would be last week so I am not sure and even that seems a long dragged out process so I just really wouldn't even know what else to do. I've also applied for SSI to try and get some income to maybe help with living and treatment.

The problem is I have kept trying over and over again my whole life only to get more and more burnt out, and have everything just get worse and blow up in my face than ever improve. And aside from it causing me to be in pain all the time I'm just sick of it and I need help or its not going to stop and I don't think at this point I can help myself much longer.

Though I was of the assumption that it would only be a couple days and maybe after I get assessed or whatever happens then I can find out more about various options its not like I can afford for long term psych ward treatment anyways. I really can't even afford the mandatory 72 hour hold or whatever when I admit how I feel but more debt is better than the alternative I suppose.

 

[matthios]

You are locked away and don't have the option to leave. You may request it, but you can't walk out. Someone else decides if you can leave or not--and then only if it's convenient and you may a cut-off for business hours. "Voluntary" admission does not mean what it would appear. You will be surrounded by other people with problems that may include painful (and thus causing extreme behavior) drug detox, advanced psychosis, and violent outbursts which may or may not be directed at you. And, as in many places, psych wards are used as longer-term-than-an-ER housing for the homeless. (the good news is that they tend not to be the dangerous ones, though they may be sick.) Oh, sickness, yes- communicable diseases, tight living quarters. The only thing keeping you from killing yourself may be physical restraints limiting your mobility.

Want to go to the bathroom? You may have to ask permission. Take a shower? You may have to schedule it and "apply" for time. You may, in fact, be served spaghetti! ... but not allowed to have utensils. Many places will give you paper clothing and not let you leave your room for the first 24 hours.

This may well be your psych ward experience. No matter how suicidal I've been, I've never found that stuff to be helpful.

 

[InHell11]

Yes I am aware of all of those things that is why up until this point I've refused to even consider it ever, but its either that or I don't know what I will do with the suicidal feelings I have. Also, everyone in my family has problems and many of my friends and other people I know do as well not to mention I do. So that's not really a reason I would want to avoid it. What be surrounded by other people with severe mental health issues? to me that is the least of my worries.

I'd be more worried about having unpleasant treatments forced on me but I hear it varies sometimes its a good experience sometimes its not and it depends on where they put you I suppose. But its gotten so bad I am willing to risk it being a negative experience. I am out of other ideas and things that have worked up until now aren't working anymore.

 

[InHell11]

As for moving out of my moms house, it hasn't happened yet. Not so sure it is actually the best option right now since I don't exactly have anywhere much better to go. Aside from of course being locked away so I can't attempt suicide.