Relationship Should I Let Him Go?

[StrongHeart]

Amethist, I get what you mean. I will try. I have a girlfriend that I might give a call later and see if she wants to get together tonight, as soon as I know for 100% sure that he's not going to show. Or it may be me home with the bottle tonight. Sorry, but this really really hurts.

SS, I will definitely send him a link to the combat forum. That would help him so much. He benefits when he can be there for other vets. Much of his ptsd is survivor's guilt.

As for emails and texts, I have read receipts on them all and he's not reading any of it, and his cell phone is turned off. <sigh>

I really miss him. :(

 

[SeekingSerenity]

I know how painfull it is to miss someone you love so much. My Beloved spent a year away from me in the USA, I am in Africa. There was no way we could have any contact other than email, phone calls, or Skype chats. It was the worst year of my life.

I married her 6 weeks ago, and now I am back at work in a different country. I spend 6 weeks at work at a time, and only three weeks at home. And in those 3 weeks I also need to give her her "alone time" too. It sucks doesn't it?

Hang in there JG, the more you learn, and the more you really communicate with your sufferer (when he is able to), the better you will understand what he needs, when he needs it, and how he needs it. Its not going to happen overnight. And if he can get some real professional help for his PTSD, all the better.

Just work at keeping his trust, thats something that is vitally imporant to a sufferer.

 

[StrongHeart]

Thank you SS. I have said a few things before I realized it that may have hurt his trust. He has always had total trust for me and I believe that may be damaged now. I am learning, though, and this site is so helpful. Relating to someone with ptsd is really different but I'm willing to learn, if he'll let me back in.

He is seeing a therapist but he hasn't seen her in awhile. In our last conversation he said he had contacted her about making a new appointment. Therapy has helped him a great deal.

It's hard not to get depressed, though, and wonder if I'll ever hear from him again.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

It's hard not to get depressed, though, and wonder if I'll ever hear from him again.

I hear you. I've been there. I got depression, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia. I nearly lost it all. I very nearly threw it all away. That would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

You don't have go that far, you can learn from others, and knowing that you arent alone against the evil bitch that is PTSD also helps.

Right now telling you to hang in there doesnt mean much to you. I know. Telling you that things will get better - ditto. Thats why you need to look after yourself... And hitting the bottle wont help either. What will you do if he does call and you are not able to have a sober rational conversation with him? What will that do to his trust in you? Hitting the bottle when depressed is the fast-track to alcoholism too...

Yip, I'm blunt, I tell it like it is. Because thats what we need when we make the decison to stick it out with our sufferer. PTSD doesnt play games. So neither can we.

 

[p-no]

Have you ever been with people at a time when you were tripping and you were glad you went?

Yes. But... (continued below)

I guess what I'm asking is if sometimes it's better not to give in to that isolation pull? It seems with my guy that he just sinks deeper and deeper if I let it go and leave him alone, and that scares me because his thoughts can get pretty crazy.

From reading on here, I must say I think that my "isolation" is not really isolation. That's why I wrote "alone-time" further up. Also, everyone is different in their symptoms and in the intensity of them.

I started therapy at age 19 and am 37 now. I have done a lot what I define as healing. I do not isolate as such, I just know myself well so I know when it is better to not go and when it is better to go and see (and maybe leave later-on if it doesn't work). So, what I'm trying to say is, I don't "trip" this "badly" (no offense). For many years, I have been able to stop whatever PTSD reaction I had to something (i.e. e.g. surfacing anxiety, wish to "isolate", etc.) in a very early stage and deal with it in a healthy way in 95% of the cases. So, I can not really put myself into his shoes. :hug:

Also, when I need alone-time, I will say so and say when I'll be back and talk about what the other person feels like about it. When the time of my return has come, and I am not ready for "returning" (e.g. from a long walk or even a weekend by myself), I will always call, write or whatever and let the other know and ask if that's alright with him/her (friends, partner, family, etc.). From what I have read, there are many though who can not do this (although they would maybe like to; again, no offense, I'm not judging at all).

If you want to, you can also go to the sufferers' section and post your question there. Just saying.

What I would like to add is: maybe be very careful and mind-full with yourself there when saying that "...if I let it go and leave him alone, and that scares me because his thoughts can get pretty crazy". It is vital (for him and your relationship), in my view, to make his way out of PTSD. I can relate to you getting scared and you wanting to help him because you love him (I was a "supporter" myself), but walking the line is difficult and I just wanted to remind you of you. :) It's easy to lose sight of oneself when trying to help someone else. No offense. Just saying.

 

[StrongHeart]

SS, I understand what you're saying about not having a sober rational conversation from him. I'm just having a very hard time with him disappearing like this. We've had this happen before and he's assured me he wouldn't do it again, and then things are good for awhile, then he does it again, then he feels badly because he knows he promised he wouldn't, so he beats himself up, then he tells himself he lost me, we somehow get back together, and then it all repeats again.

How can I explain how much he means to me? We've known each other over 30 years and never have a difficulty when we're together, and I love to spend time with him. He's shared so much with me and I know how much he suffers. But this duck and cover thing is just torturous, and so unpredictable, and it's tearing me apart. It's why I wonder if I should just let him go.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Its been said many times here, letting go is a lot easier than spending the rest of your life dealing with their PTSD. But that is a decision that only you can make. PTSD is a life-long curse. Some learn to deal with their symptoms, others dont. Some find real help from therapy, others dont. What your sufferer will do with his PTSD, only time will tell.

My advise for you for now then: When he is able to communicate with you again, set your boundaries, set your limits. Then stick to them. This is not only for your sanity and emotional well-being, its for his too. If he knows exactly what the boundaries are, its up to him to either stick to them or not. If he does, then thats good. If he doesnt, if he cant, then you need to reassess your relationship with him and make your own mind up about your ability to continue it or not.

Being a supporter isnt easy, and its not for everyone. There is no shame in walking away and saving yourself. Allowing yourself to be dragged down and ending up just as screwed up as he is will just make him worse, and it will destroy you too.

Its not an easy call to make.

 

[StrongHeart]

You are all helping me to be a little more rational about this instead of getting lost in my own feelings of rejection and hurt and disbelief over this. No, it's not an easy call. But I do have a hard time looking at it objectively.

 

[Lidia]

@StrongHeart ,

Wow...you seem to be describing exactly my own situation. His great communication skills when he is fine, the amazing romance with which it all started, and then the complete change from day to night when he goes through a bad patch...the inability to reach out and then the shame and guilt for having abandoned me...

Honestly, the post from nearly 2 years ago could have been mine today...word by word.

May I ask where things are now, if you don't mind sharing?

 

[Nicolette]

@Lidia I'm sorry but the member hasn't been on the forum since January :)

 

[Lidia]

@Nicolette
I noticed after I had posted this. She may come back at some point. Hopefully her absence means she is doing fine and does not need the forum. :)

 

[emz315]

Hi There,

My partner became very distant about 2 weeks ago and felt like he just wanted to be alone and said he just was not in a great headspace. So i did something for him and initiated space however placed in boundaries where we would speak again in 8 days and catch up. I gave him positive thoughts before he left told him i loved him and that we would definently speak again in 8 days and that i was doing this for him and myself because i did not want to lose him. Its alot of patience.kindness. and love. With a hell of alot of communication.

I hope i did the right thing initiating it? because i could sense him being tense and distant.