Should I Quit Therapy?

[Suzetig]

@lostforgottensoul, it's amazing how much difference it makes to me to move about a bit. There's not too much choice in where I sit but my T and I will often swap seats, or she'll wait to see where I park myself at the start of a session and just work around me. We've been sharing my journal and tend to sit closer together for that so we both can see what I've written and again that changes the connection between us. It has helped me a lot when I've felt stuck and I guess reinforce my sense of her being attuned and responsive to me.

 

[Crow]

I trudged through ten years of therapy on and off with my current T before that trust thing clicked in and I started making progress. I look at the first ten years as setting a foundation and keeping me at least status quo. Sometimes it just takes time.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@lostforgottensoul, it's amazing how much difference it makes to me to move about a b...

Thats a really cool idea. I always sit sideways on his couch looking at the table that sits between 2 chairs or out the window behind the couch, i never look at him but its a cool idea. Thanks!

 

[Lunaa]

I appreciate all your responses so much. You've all encouraged me to continue on and recognize my accomplishments, as small as they may be. I know that just showing up every week builds trust, but I guess I just got frustrated at my pace. I don't want to waste my time and money but I guess I just need to remind myself when I'm there and I'm struggling that I'm still taking steps in the right direction. But I also feel like sometimes he's frustrated with me and that I'm wasting his time too.

I'm thinking about bringing my journal in. It's an art journal, and expresses a lot about my feelings about my depression and my struggle with my self-identity, something we talk a lot about in therapy and I really struggle talking about. It's easier to express myself through art, putting words on my feelings feels like inaccurate labeling, like "sad" doesn't quite cover it but "despair" is too dramatic. I have a feeling I'd bring the journal and never take it out of my bag though. but maybe if I keep bringing it, eventually I'll take it out. He has asked me to draw things before during our sessions, when I'm struggling to find the right words, but even drawing for him is too hard for me.

He's big on testing and trying new things (although we've never traded seats before) but I'm really resistant and quick to shut him down when he suggests something new because I'm just so scared the whole time I'm there. I'd rather sit in my little corner on the sofa and count down the minutes. One time he had me stand and look in a mirror for a few minutes, I couldn't look at myself and he pointed out how uncomfortable I seemed and said I had to look for one more minute and then another until eventually I just refused and sat back down. Ever since then I've been really scared to try his little experiments lol. I hate that I behave so timidly and scared there, but I just don't know how to not be that way. I've told him over and over again that I don't behave like that in the outside world. But when I walk through the door to his office I shrink into this scared little girl. I call it "survival mode" when I'm there, and I've discussed it with him before. It doesn't matter what we do though I just have so much anxiety the whole time I'm there, so all we do is acknowledge it and the courage in showing up every week despite the horror i feel every time.

 

[Rumors]

Love what @watundah said here! I couldn't have summed it up better.
I, too, feel that same anxiety. However, I decided one day that if I was ever going to trust anyone it would be my therapist and I wanted a chance at a normal life so I jumped in head first. Best thing I have ever done. Scary as hell, but life changing.
Sending you all my best!!!

 

[barefoot]

Everything @watundah said!

Therapy is so difficult in so many ways. Hang in there!

 

[Rumors]

Just found this... I think it applies!!!

 

[Leah123]

It might be good for you to work on grounding exercises. It sounds like you are dealing with some stubborn dissociation. I had that too, still do at times, but tremendously improved. Writing helped me a lot. Finding pleasant, focusing topics helped a lot, sometimes it's a perfectly valid way to connect through positive conversation- doesn't have to be a forced march through the dark trenches that you're aiming for. Creating rituals in therapy is also relaxing, I have tea during mine, wrap in a comforting shawl, etc.

Do you feel forced because your therapist has taken on the role of conversation starter and is choosing a direction because of your hesitation? Might help if he retreated some? Just a few thoughts.

Good to hear your boyfriend shared your progress with you, it can be hard to see internally.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But when I walk through the door to his office I shrink into this scared little girl. I call it "survival mode" when I'm there, and I've discussed it with him before. It doesn't matter what we do though I just have so much anxiety the whole time I'm there, so all we do is acknowledge it and the courage in showing up every week despite the horror i feel every time.

I know that feeling, totally. I used to get like really REALLY mad at my therapist for picking up on my body language and not let me disassociate. "I f*cking hate this, leave me alone and let me go away", i really did say that (makes me laugh now and he laughed at the time which just made me more angry, have not a clue how he's put up w/ me for 7 yrs); but i promise, it does get easier and better.

And i know that when you cant see your own small steps, though the therapist is saying you're taking some, its frustrating but its worth trusting his opinion on that one as he doesnt see things through our 'trauma filter'.

Its awesome that you're gonna hang in there! Im proud of you! It will be worth it, i promise! :hug:

 

[Changing4Best]

Maybe you could email your therapist or write all this out and hand it to him? He even may have an idea that this is going on and is waiting for you to open up.

 

[HappyJock]

If I were you, I'd go back. The fact that you can't open up isn't un-common. What you went through was traumatic, yes? It's only natural. It can take years to build a fully functional relationship with your therapist. The fact that you go alone means you're making some progress -- maybe you can write all of this down, what you brought up here and show it to him, see what he thinks? There are many "best therapists I've ever had." Trust me, I've said that more than once. Yes, while I still think Therapist A is best, Therapist B can be the best one I've had in such and such case. It's all really up to you, though, but I wish you luck!