Should I Take Job Or Stay Out Of Work To Heal?

[Deleted member 20978]

Feel free to read just first paragraph or two; this post is a little long.

Not that I'm expecting anyone to know exactly what I should do here, but I could really use feedback, in a bind over this. I unexpectedly landed a new job having been out of work for 5 months now, and it starts next week. It seems like a great place but I'm worried I'm not stable enough to be going back to work. On other hand, worried if I stay out of work much longer, it will start becoming impossible (or much harder) to get a job.

I could still back out, tell them I'm so sorry, but for (whatever reason? PTSD?) I have to quit before I even started. In which case, I could start getting more into the therapy I just started (talk therapy with someone who does EMDR), and keep recuperating. OR I could say, getting back to work will help me get out of depression, stuck at home, and though it will be 50+ hours a week, plus *triggery* commute into downtown, will alleviate some fears about income and health insurance. And would end the long stretch where my wife and I have been stuck at home together.

Long story short (see my trauma diary and/or intro), I suffered from undiagnosed CPTSD (childhood trauma and neglect, snowballed over years with subsequent retraumatizations) which basically had led me down a path to "functionally dysfunctional". I had become pretty socially isolated other than work friends (who almost entirely I didn't see outside work or the bar some Fridays) and a couple of not that supportive friends (always disappear when I'm going through stuff). I was dealing with anger issues and depression and anxiety, had past episodes of collapse in my life, but just basically felt like a guy struggling and having some success.

Then came the Boston Marathon. I have still been unable to write about this, which is in part because I was concerned about my anonymity (no, you've never heard of me, but people who know me might come here, which is probably stupid fear). And in part, the events that day and that followed, which triggered intense Acute Stress Disorder and has since devolved into PTSD, also awakened me to the realization I'd been dealing with CPTSD most of my life. And this time, it split be into pieces. Like severe collapse.

I've been not working since April 16, and have barely had social connections. I was in hospital (severely traumatizing, was gettting death threats from some violent psychotics), and have spent a lot of time last few months in bed, watching TV, and not much else.

While I've gotten better in the sense I am not waking up vomiting in middle of the night, or having delusional paranoia or being manic and frantic and constantly overexcited, panic attacks, sleeping for 2-3 hours with nightmares -- while I'm better than that, I am still pretty out of it. Last week has screwed up my sleep again, I'm being triggered with intrusive thoughts and feelings from past trauma. It's like Pandora's Box just won't re-close. BUT, I am not as reactive, am able to calmly talk to someone about what I've dealt with in past and now, and I'm depressed but not terribly anxious (thanks to neurofeedback in part).

I have few supports and wife and I are both in similar boat -- CPTSD, recent acute trauma, both not working.

Sorry this is so long. I just am really in a weird place. I haven't been able to leave house to buy clothes, in fact am spending many days in same shorts, not showering enough. House is a mess as my wife and I both are just unable to keep up with it. And my new commute will be an hour each way by train. So scary. Plus I have not been working for long enough that it will take time to ramp up just my ability to think straight.

I don't want us to eat through savings until Ive been out of work for a year or whatever, and *then* have to deal with thorny issue of why I left my last job, why have I been out of work so long, etc. The *way* I left the job is part of what Ive been unable to talk about, and basically involved a very very very very unprofessional employer, who I think will speak badly about me (though my already year old references from previous job are stellar).

So much detail I know. Anyone who reads this much must have opinions :)

Thanks in advance for any support or suggestions.

 

[Flyaway]

I really appreciate the situation you're in! I'm in a similar situation... I really think if you go back to work too soon, you might have another breakdown (possibly even worst than the last).

I think the best thing you can do for your wife and yourself right now is to take smaller (but more stable) steps towards being back in the work place. This might even mean doing some volunteer work, so you can build up your confidence bit by bit and by doing things like going on public transport, and socialising with people more.

Believe me, I know it is torture not being out in the work force (and uni in my case) - but it's so important to give ourselves the time we need to heal.

Going back into the workforce now, I think might be like breaking your leg and then trying to run a marathon.

Have faith in yourself, you can build yourself up again to a point where you're able to function well in a work environment... Based on what you've said you just need a bit more time :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree, you need more time.

I understand financial fears, and they are well founded. However, you can't put a price on your well being.

You're not at a level of basic functioning yet. Basic functioning involves taking care of yourself, by which I mean changing your clothes and such. Once you can do this, branch out by regularly leaving the house. Go shopping, go out to eat, volunteer, take a class, whatever. Then when you are at a higher level of functioning you can jump into full time and a quarter work.

I think that you should take the time to heal. If you don't, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now you'll look back and wonder why you wasted so much time? Why you put healing on the back burner?

You've complained about your issues, and I see going back to work as pushing those issues away without working on them. You've already said that you need a therapist who works nights/weekends. Well, I hate to break it to you, but good trauma therapists are a hot commodity and as such tend not to work those hours. I haven't found one yet in my state who works outside a normal workday, and even so, most only work 4 days a week. Maybe it's different where you are? I don't know. (It's the same reason many don't take insurance...they don't have to.)

My advice? Slow it down a bit. Take the time to heal.

 

[franciemarnie]

Definitely I vote heal. No work.

I remember one afternoon in my last high pressure deadline driven job. I had just gotten out another proposal. I went outside to take a breather and sat by the river our building was up against. I had the strangest intuition - like a telegram to my soul just in ( and back then I was not treating PTSD.) Didn't even know that was what had been wrong with me for decades. Anyway, the spiritual telegram said, You are done here. Leave this job. It's over.

My response? I ignored it of course! I never knew I had a gut to trust.

One year later, I had a nervous breakdown. I had needed to heal, but didn't know better, didn't have a new M.O., didn't trust myself.

I'm not saying at all you might have a breakdown. But for me - healing comes first ever since.

I believe if you take care of your insides, the outside will take care of itself.

Whatever you choose to do, take care of you!

 

[Meadowsweet]

Work and routine can be very good for depression.

I work and look after children, and keeping busy is one of the ways that helps. Sometimes, I get up and wonder if I will be able to manage work. Sometimes I've had to stop on the way to work and get myself together again in order to carry on. But I become so anxious that someone might see the abuse that I cope with, that my professional exterior kicks in as soon as i arrive at work.

So in some ways it is a positive = it keeps depression at bay, It gives me a routine of things that I have to do (rather than the choice of staring at the wall or hiding in bed). Because I am so different at work, it gives me a break from my emotional self. And it prevents me from becoming totally isolated: I can't cope with friendships or relationships, so without work I might only talk to another adult when I'm paying for my shopping. So there are benefits from going to work that can help with recovery.

On the other hand, if my mind is saying I need to deal with something, I lock it down for the hours that I'm a at work. So I give less time to working through trauma (I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing). And ofcourse going out in the world means meeting stressors and at times real triggers. So that is a risk.

When I am struggling, I have an escape plan (or excuses for leaving work early) ready. I also remind myself of the bigger picture - that nobody is forcing me to stay in work, I'm not a prisoner and I can walk away and end that job at any time. It would be a big hing for me to do that, but reminding myself that it is a choice helps to calm my anxiety.

On that note, I would say don't make your partner any promises, but give it a go. You don't know how it will be until you've tried it.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Wow thanks for the responses so far everyone. This is valuable insight.

The consensus is I should not take this job. I want to therefore add some salient details:

- My wife, who also has complex PTSD and lower functional skills (less work history, social difficulties) is not working. We've been trapped at home together and had *already* been agreeing on divorce before the traumatic events in April. I say trapped not as in we hate each other, but meaning we have not had any pragmatic means to separate with no income. Also she is doing some training that could lead to good job opportunity, but requires time where its less feasible for her to work.

- I have no safety net. No family to give financial assistance. Wife's parents weren't particularly interested in helping *us* even when we were not announcing eminent divorce, and not sure they actually have liquid cash to give. So it's all savings (which could float us maybe 9 months before hitting retirement funds, and then a good while longer before completely broke) and in theory Unemployemnt Insurance, but problem with that is they make you *demonstrate* you are actively pursing employment at least 3 days a week, which is very very hard when you are not able to work. What sucks too is that health insurance is through COBRA, which is $1400/mo unless subsidized by the Unemployment claim. Also that COBRA may end at any moment as the company I worked for closed its doors after I left (f*ckers, good for them).

- Details of how my last job ended are relevant, but since not ready to write about it, just feeling like its going to impact job prospects if its a full year or more from then to next job search, because only usable references are currently one year old.

Having said all that, I think there is wisdom to the fact that I am *not* functioning well, nor is my wife, and as we even anticipate my going to work, the old stresses are reemerging fast. Basically: how do we juggle all the things when both of us are in chronic overload? So perhaps it is wise advice to think about taking longer. I've only just started therapy with someone experienced with trauma, and things have somewhat improved from totally batshit insane vomiting screaming night terror stuff in April/May to depressed, not on top of things, triggering lots of tears and fighting, but *sane*. Able to talk to people. Able to ... well I guess that's it :) I am wearing pants at the moment though.

And for wife, as well, my working becomes another load for her because the housework becomes entirely her responsibility (my work being 50-60 hours with the commute, and then needing some time to have panic attacks and cry and ask God why why why me?!!!)

So.. Need to give this a day to consider, but may have to write a hard letter to employer and recruiter.

What sucks is it seems like a great place to work in a healthy company if I just weren't such a mess. Healthier than anywhere I've worked, matter of fact. Planning to talk to an ex-colleague tomorrow who has been over there, see how he likes it. But he's young, workhorse, and not suffering PTSD of course.

Thanks. More input is still appreciated.

Oh and PS big thing too is I *can* get unemployment checks now (even though requires some trickery, but f*ck the government for not allowing for sudden disability) but if I work the job one week and quit, there goes that income. Which is almost a livable wage here, if you ignore the super high health care costs without a company plan.

 

[Hashi]

EDITED TO ADD: wrote this before I saw your reply above. I would add that the company I've started working with seems very healthy, compared to the bullying situation and general toxicity in my last job, and that makes a very big difference.

My original post was:

I'm wondering about the circumstances of landing a new job, because I think you must have taken some sort of steps in order to get one. An application, a meeting, an interview... ? If so, that does that mean you've done a little more than stay in bed wearing your same old shorts?

I've had to have time off work and was achieving very, very little staying at home. My priority was healing, but that became quite confused for me. When it came down to healing on a basic, practical level, coping with everyday life, I'm not sure I can say it was very successful. After ten months, I felt very little improvement with that. I think I did move forward in some ways. I stayed the same in others. I suspect I might have started going backwards in a very few.

I pushed myself to find work because financially I couldn't afford to keep going. I'd already stopped therapy for financial reasons. I got a job about a month ago and started very suddenly, at the same time as restarting trauma therapy. It has been really hard and I've been exhausted. I didn't feel at all ready, going from practically zero achievement to working full time plus therapy again. But, I think I'm able to get more done in an evening after work than I was spending an entire day at home. Sometimes it works like that.
Sometimes it won't.

It concerns me that you say the job has long hours. I don't know what you mean by a triggery commute. Potentially stressful?

I had to look at the job I'd got and see whether there might be stressful things piling up if I took it. The commute was medium to good. The hours were OK. although not fantastic. The idea of having an income was a huge, huge, huge relief. The thought of stopping the risk of feeling unemployable and getting back into employment - huge relief. Worry about not being able to do it - high. Rational self talk about being able to do it - fairly good.

I think all you can do is weigh up the pros and cons as best you can.

Something that happened to me a few weeks before getting my job was nearly getting a different one. Everything about it was wrong (it was only one of my "filler" applications to meet benefit requirements) but somehow I got an interview.

I got out of that one. It wasn't the right time, the right job or the right location, but instead it served as a wake up call. I knew I had to seriously improve my coping skills if I was to stand a chance of doing a job. It also focussed me on the difference between a job I had a chance of managing, albeit with an effort, and a job that would overwhelm me.

I wonder what you think about one possibility - that this might not be THE job for you, but it might be focussing you on what you need to do to make returning to work feasible. Also, to make you think about what sort of organisation, salary, journey etc are your minimum requirements, and then act on that information.

Sorry I can't know what you should do, but I wanted to suggest that the self-awareness that this opportunity might be bringing up, could be very valuable whether you take it up or not.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I suppose another salient detail: the last collapse was triggered by a terrorist attack (and had been working 7 day weeks for months, which I am *never* doing again). So chances of that exact thing happening again are like 10% tops.

Yes, I accidentally landed this job (which is some indication of how in demand I am *for now*), but touching my Monster resume and then accidentally picking up phone from recruiter, followed along through interview process (I can usually interview well, but was *very* high anxiety before and after the interviews).

Problem is, this job is very very close to the ideal I would seek if I'd been healing longer. And as you say Hashi, how do I know taking more time won't just be more depression, anxiety, and making a 1% dent in the lifetime trauma that is the real issue.

This job has a terrible commute (1 hour with at least 25 minutes of walking/biking or 10 minutes walking and 25 minute drive and paying for all day parking and etc. And it's triggering to ride train into Boston because last time I did (besides this job interview) was day of the bombings.

Which, it seems relevant, I still can't write about...

 

[The Albatross]

There is so much going on in your posts I almost can't write.

Either you try it or you don't. Apparently you're concerned about losing the benefits. You aren't doing regular self care... neither is your partner. Do you like the way your life is? Are you ready for something different? If you aren't taking care of the home now then what's the difference whether or not it will be taken care of after you attempt your "Ideal/dream job?".

If it is an ideal/dream job... how high are you willing to jump and how brave, courageous, and uncomfortable are you willing to be to DO the job?

 

[Candleflames]

I see a lot of advice for you to take more time to heal and I think that the reasons for doing so are are sound. There's just a few things I think should be considered first that might lead you to actually taking the job. You say that the job would be close to your ideal if you were not in bad shape. That's a special thing to come by so passing it up could leave you feeling worse and wondering "what if" far too much to make progress healing.

I seem to remember that you work in software development. My husband does as well so I know how rapidly the industry changes. I ran an idea by him as he does management and helps with hiring, I hope you don't mind. I asked about if he were considering a candidate who had gaps in their work history what would be perceived more negatively, a longer single gap with the explanation of needing to take time off of work for medical reasons or two shorter gaps with an explanation of trying too soon after a medical leave and then needing to take additional time. He would prefer to hire the person with the two gaps because it would show a willingness to get back to work. So perhaps starting the job and seeing how it feels for a predetermined amount of time, maybe 3 months, is something to think about.

I'm also wondering if there is something you can do to make the new job less stressful. Maybe you can work out a more flexible schedule so you are not in much traffic. Instead of working 8-5 you might work 10-7 or 7-4. Is there any way you can do any part of this job from home or a local coffee shop? That way you are traveling less and have more environmental control. Or if there are many people commuting from the same area can you all get together to set up a satellite office or is there a coworking space near you that you and some others can use together?

If you do decide to take more time away from working volunteering is a valuable way to use your time and can definitely go on a resume. I would recommend working on an open source project that also helps people. It will both keep your tech skills current and help give you a sense of purpose.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[Candleflames]

I think I owe you an apology Jemini. I reread my post and it comes off a little arrogant, which was totally not my intent.

I wanted to point out that it doesn't have to be an either/or option. That there could be many ways to work the situation so that you can have a little of both worlds. Facing this dilemma with self reflection is hard and I hope you can feel pride in going through this process regardless of your final decision.

I'm sorry if I seemed callous or full of myself.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Candleflames -- no need to apologize, didn't read you that way, but thank you.

UPDATE:

So I talked to the employer and said, I'm very sorry, and I'm not an unprofessional person, but I need to back out. I explained how I was going through trauma and learning about PTSD and that I had thought Id be ready but know that I am not (and that I'd gotten a lot of advice about this too). He surprised me by saying, well, I understand, don't pretend to know what you're going through, but we'd love to have you on board, is it possible some accommodations would work?

Did not expect this, as I feel like PTSD is highly stigmatized. But I said thank you, maybe that's possible. Maybe part time? Maybe with some working form home (since commute is awful). He said would talk to others and see if some accommodation would be possible.

I am okay if this doesn't work out but glad for the appreciation of what I disclosed and the possibility of a job that might be more manageable (and glad to keep hearing how much people want to hire me!) And I thank everyone for their input, it helped confirm my gut in some ways. I ended up talking to a friend who works there and he confirmed too that the place is a bit chaotic and people do have kind of long hours (think 9-7, plus hour commute each way). So I feel like I dodged a bullet, as I'm really needing to get more therapy and learn some strategies for keeping stress under control.

Ive been a workaholic before, and put everything into work partly as way to avoid deep stuff. I am wanting to keep accessing this deep stuff and see if I can stabilize with it a bit before bottling it back up and trying to function. I think I would have collapsed had I gone other way.

Thanks