Should Spouses Be Removed From This Website?

[Redheaded Stranger]

I didn't vote because I'm torn.

I agree that there should be a place for Veterans only. No supporters, no sympathy, no comments except by Veterans. When the Combat Only section opened, I offered to stay out of it just for this reason, but Jimmy said that was unnecessary. I only go in there now accidentally when it is in the recent posts section and I click before I realize where it is. I have never commented in there. I think that should be for Veterans only. I also don't mind reserving my comments for the Supporters Only section and if asked to do so, will with a smile on my face.

But as someone who is working on my relationship with my Veteran, this place has been a lifesaver. Literally. I am not sure what would have happened to me or my Veteran if I hadn't been able to gain the insight I've gained here. I tried the PTSD forum but it didn't help me at all. Reading posts from females with PTSD from childhood abuse doesn't help me help my Veteran with combat related PTSD because the thought processes are so wildly different.

I'd like to think that most of the harpies on this site are sensitive enough to have as go at containing most of our comments to the Supporters and Stand At The Bar sections if asked. It is helpful to be able to open threads with direct questions for Veterans (like my isolation thread) because the feedback from the Veterans was amazing. But all of us love our Veterans and have no wish to cause stress for them or other Vetrerans. To my knowledge, we haven't been asked to stay in the supporters section, so we haven't. Now that I read this thread and see that the Veterans would appreciate having that space, I'm happy to do that. I just didn't know it before. If we start doing this now and there is something on the site suggesting that this might be best for everyone, I'd hope that most new peole joining would respect it.

No matter what happens, there will always be people intent on causing strife and conflict, but I believe that most of the harpies currently on this site do not have that intent. We just need help understanding our Veterans and how to survive when we are with them and when we are caught in the middle of a firestorm or isolation from them. I truly believe our Veterans benefit from the understand that we gain on this site.

Thanks for letting me in here when I was at a true low point in my life. I'll certainly respect whatever decision is made but would like to figure out a way to stay in contact with lots of people already here.

Much love and respect to everyone here.

Red

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

It's been on my mind lately how much this forum has changed since us carers were first invited along and it often seems overrun with carers posting on the discussion pages.
However, there is tremendous value in us having access to your forum.
If it becomes read only for us, the learning will not necessarily offer the understanding that comes with dialogue.
If it's possible I would like to see Veterans only and Supporters only areas and then somewhere we can meet if either side has questions.
On the subject of rants I think we probably do jump in too soon. I'm learning that Vets generally don't want a response, especially from carers.
I was grasping in the dark before being able to come here. You have helped me and therefore my hubby more than I can say. Thank you everybody.

 

[wife of]

Just a small thought andthen I'll get back into the supporters box,maybe if people wanted to rant,from both groups,and they wrote it on thier own profile pages it would be more private,and less likely for anyone else to find it upsetting?

 

[Steph_F]

On the subject of rants I think we probably do jump in too soon. I'm learning that Vets generally don't want a response, especially from carers.
quote]

AGREED!!! it's hard because we care about them, but you are right...sometimes people just need to blow off steam and know people are listening and caring, but keep their comments to themselves. I am sorry for all the times I butted in myself

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Christ, if you're a wife/girlfriend/partner/supporter you KNOW it's a tripwired landscape.
Stay in receive mode until you are sure about asking a question, and you'll get a lot more help. I don't mean to sound either patronising or uppity but a lot of blokes here could do without the spamming. Restraint.
I can't better what Jimmy said - We know you care and maybe on a good day will thank you, but as I have tried to explain a million times we are suffering enough

Hi Ned, I fully appreciate what you're saying. And I think you've made a very good point. I know for sure my hubby wouldn't be able to cope with the volume of communication which is occuring around the forum.

I also think it's good to be having this frank discussion better than having rules. Still hoping separate vets only and carers only 'safe' areas could be set up if Anthony can arrange it somehow for us.

I really don't want to be isolated from you guys, it makes sense to keep up communication somehow, doesn't it?

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

If we can work this out, maybe there is a way in the forum to designate areas by color? Sometimes in Recent Activities or Alerts, I click before I realize it is an area into which I do not want to go (i.e. Combat Only). So maybe those areas are Red or Blue and the rest are regular or one is pink (lol) and the other is black. I don't know, Just a suggestion as visual references are easy to spot.

I'll be very happy to respect boundaries. I would appreciate being allowed to stay here. I learn so much and, while I know it isn't the main purpose (or maybe it is), I think it is an important one.

Thanks

Red

 

[Jimmy1]

Alright, lets make it simple. This is just my suggestion for some in-house rules.

Supporters/Carers/Partners/Girlfriends/Boyfriends/Ex-Girlfriends/Ex-Boyfriends/Wives/Husbands.
Your area is the 'Supporters Area'. That is the place where you can whine, bitch, complain, etc etc.
Veterans should not go there....... and if they do, no comments please.

Combat (Members Only) Is for Veterans only. It is the place where we can whine bitch and have our rants.
Carers/Supporters etc etc, should not go there and if they do, no comments please.

The rest of the forum is for us Veterans to use at will. We don't need comments, compassion, or anything on there unless we ask.

For carers/supporters etc, if you have a valid question, like Steph (Moving In), or the one on 'Numbness', or on 'Isolating', or any other valid question, then by all means ask in the appropriate area and we will endeavor to answer.

The Bar is a Bar. It should not be used for bitching. It should be used for topics such as jokes, or just random chit chat.

These are just my suggestions. What do you think..

I don't want any add-on's to this. If you like, just click like. And if we get enough, then maybe we can get Anthony to add some common sense rules to the 'Forum Rules'. Because, quite frankly, I have just about had enough and was thinking about not coming here.

Jimmy

 

[BV101]

f*cking hell. If this all goes spazmoidal,what then?

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hey Alan
loving your reaction :p maybe sticking our tongues out is all that'll be left for us to do. roflmao (i think thats the right abbreviation).
You gonna stick your mark to Jimmy'a post?

 

[BV101]

I don't really know. I'm lucky as my other half is nails and when I am having a bad time, she points out to me that I am a mental before going to buy some more shoes. Maybe an option would be for all the supporters to form their own web site and leave us all here to wallow in our own shit? I don't know, it might be a solution? Or we could just plough on with Jimmy getting more and more angry. Which has some value as well! Ha! See what I did there?

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey, I just said what a lot of other vets were thinking and what they have passed on to me. I have also seen quite a few of my other mates that used to be on here go since 'Harpies' started putting their two cents worth to everything.
They don't feel comfortable.

There is no need for another website, and besides, there is one. Its PTSDForum. Like I suggested above. They can read our posts and ask questions, but if they wish to vent they do it in their own area. Just remember, a lot of us veterans have a very low self esteem and the last thing we want is sympathy. And, being the military that we were, there was no sympathy there. As my instructor at boot camp said, sympathy is found in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.

And if a veteran wants to bitch they can vent anywhere but the supporters section as it was a website originally created for us.

Arguments between partners though cannot be fixed on this site. That is something they have to work out for themselves.

I am not angry. I have made my point.

 

[BV101]

there we are then.