News Should You Be Asking More Or Less From Your Marriage?

[anthony]

I really like this article, a good read for those struggling with relationships.

One useful framework for thinking about these expectations was proposed by Eli Finkel and colleagues: “The suffocation model.”1 They claim that modern marriage has gotten more demanding because we now expect it to fulfill higher and higher psychological needs, and we begin to "suffocate" when we’re pursuing these “high-altitude” needs. In the past, marriage was based on practical considerations (such as raising a family) and meeting our need to be loved. But in recent decades, people have begun to expect more from marriage. In particular, people now expect that their relationships will also fulfill their esteem needs (self-esteem, self-expression) and their self-actualization needs (provide opportunities for personal growth and help you be your best).

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[intothelight]

Interesting topic, but personally I feel there are so many other factors to consider. A relationship will change over time and things like careers, children, aging parents, illness, loss of income, etc. all change the dynamics of the relationship. Expectation and needs change over time so communication and flexibility are probably critical to maintain a satisfying relationship. Also, expectations need to be real and sometimes a "good" marriage means someone remembers to take out the trash before both collapse exhausted due to life's demands.

Perhaps through media we put unreal expectations on marriage as a whole. Routine isn't necessarily bad, perhaps it is mean from which we start?

 

[Suzetig]

I agree, aside from anything else no one person can meet all your needs so investing your quest for self esteem, need for personal development etc in your marriage feels like a recipe for disaster in any rate.

I can see how having high expectations for your marriage might motivate you to work on the relationship but I guess having a sense a realism is important too - I've been with my hubby for 25 years and our marriage in that time has been good, bad and a little bit ugly. We're committed to each other and to working things out but yes sometimes getting to the end of the day is about as much as we manage.

 

[EveHarrington]

IME people expect their partners to make them happy. Yes a partnership should bring joy to your life but I think people have a more selfish view of relationships-----not loving people for who they are, instead "loving" them for what they do for you.

 

[Justmehere]

I think online dating has helped people find partners... but also made it more like a job interview and more people expect their partner to fulfill more of their needs. It's gone too far...

I want a partner who doesn't need me to fulfill all their needs and dreams.

 

[Ellabella44]

marriage isnt necessarily the key to happiness and stability. Sometimes as in cases of ptsd, happiness requires isolation. an isolating partner cant be there to fulfill emotional needs when they need a serious alone time vacation.

I feel any happy relationship needs to be flexible. Has to deal with accepting change in roles, to adapt, to give eachother what they need in a way that is acceptable when one person isnt in the state of mind to reciprocate.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I tend to believe that a good marriage is two people who care about what their partner wants and it is reciprocal with both being commited to caring for their partners well being and do not try to make their partner feel and stay small.

 

[hodge]

I agree, aside from anything else no one person can meet all your needs so investing your quest for self esteem, need for personal development etc in your marriage feels like a recipe for disaster in any rate.

I so agree, Suzetig. My husband and I have been together for 19 years, married for 14. We married at older ages so by that time we had both developed our own self-esteem, etc. I was 39 and he was 57. We did have the whammy of PTSD invade our lives after about five years of marriage, but thankfully we had by that time developed good ways of dealing with stuff and each other's foibles. Though not enough can be said about heartfelt lifelong commitment. If we hadn't both had that and still have it, we could have gone by the wayside.