Si is back

[LoveTea]

The ideation is back. I wouldn't do it myself, but I just wish the choice to die was taken away from me. That something would happen and I just die. It's not that I think people wouldn't miss me if I died, it's just that only one person seems to care that I'm here right now. I can't tell her how I feel on this because I know this is the one PTSD thing she can't handle. I'm terrified to tell anyone because if I get hospitalized, my school will force me on medical leave and I will have no choice but to go back to my parents or be homeless. I already came close to that once. My supervisor at work keeps saying that I'm strong. Well I'm so f*****g tired of being strong. I'm just tired of everything, I never get a break from my own head. I just want everything to go away. I don't want to remember anything.

 

[Mushy]

So sorry to hear what you are going through and I can totally relate :) I don't have any answers for you, but I just wanted to reach out and tell you that you are not alone and at least one person on this planet (even though we don't know each other) understands what you are going through. I'm sure there are others as well :)

 

[The Albatross]

The overwhelmed tripped into fantasy thinking/wishful thinking. What do you have to do right now to deal with your situation?

 

[LoveTea]

@Mushy thanks that's always nice to hear

@The Albatross there have been a number of school related things that I have to do, all of which are huge stressors for me for various reasons. I'm having a lot of trouble discerning what is real and what is in my head (not in terms of flash backs, but in terms of how situations are playing out in my life right now). My best friend is well meaning, but she seems to make them out like it is entirely in my head, which I know isn't true. Plus it just feels like the only time people interact with me anymore is when I'm doing something for them or some sort of PTSD thing (mostly dissociation/panic). I don't feel like I'm a person to them anymore.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I get where you’re coming from when people tell you that you’re strong. When I’m depressed, that’s the one thing people would tell me, and it’s the one thing I HATED to hear too. Not being depressed, I do know just how strong I really am. And you probably are too. It’s the depression part of your brain that doesn’t want to hear this.

Are you in therapy? Are you actively working on your trauma??? What kind of coping skills do you know and are you incorporating them into your daily life. Do you have some relaxing hobbies that you can do for even an hour a day to unwind????

Depression is hard, but it won’t be life long, it will abate, but you need to accept it, and find ways to work out of it......

 

[LoveTea]

I do have a good T, we normally talk about day to day more than trauma. I have only been going a few months, and everytime we start to approach any of it, I tend to start panicking. But the whole ordeal seems to make my symptoms much worse. I know that's often true, but it still sucks.