Si: To Go Back In Time And Act Out My Suicide

[BloomInWinter]

@rightkindofme, I'm sorry for all you have suffered. I did want to gently address my take on the "only let people beat you" comment.

Self-harm, whatever form it takes, is still ultimately self-abuse & in this case, inviting abuse from another. This type of traumatic re-enactment is understandable, but it does not bring healing or self-esteem in the long run. I cannot ever recommend it to human beings. An alternative which doesn't involve bodily harm is a healthier path to take, however long the journey may be.

But having been there myself, I do understand it.

 

[rightkindofme]

You and I are always going to have different points of view on the place of bdsm in the world. I'm totally ok with you thinking that it doesn't bring healing because it may not for you. You don't get to tell me what it does for me.

:)

 

[BloomInWinter]

My apologies for overstepping my bounds. If it does bring you healing, I'm glad.

I thought it did for me. But in my case, it turned out to be traumatic reenactment that damaged my health and my self-esteem.

May you receive deep healing and joy. :)

 

[rightkindofme]

Well, I did my heavy play and got what I needed. I don't play in scary reenacting ways any more. I no longer need it. I moved through what I needed to move through. I don't regret any of what I did but I don't need to keep doing it. :)

 

[Powder]

I'm reading about self-harming and other things that are called "substitutions" in "structural dissociation" in _Haunted Self_.

 

[rightkindofme]

It's a good book.

 

[Powder]

I guess I should add that in Structural Dissociation trauma theory, substitution is when a survivor is "stuck" and can't move forward into the next phase of healing. It represents a lack of "mental energy and efficiency" for healing.

Thus, I read that my sister, who cuts every time some trauma is triggered, is stuck. No wonder she is not able to integrate and process her traumatic memories or parts. Meanwhile, when reminded of traumas, she ascribes the triggers, flashbacks, and memories to others and externals.

I have also found that when certain EPs (emotional parts) take control, I find it difficult to process their emotions normally. I have used substitutions. I have banged things on my head. It "works" to temporarily calm down because it jams the emotion stuck tight, only to arise later. So, I have tried to instead think, feel, and work through the "impossible" fragments of emotion.