@digger - yeah, the interaction with my dog - I was lying on my stomach on the couch and he came to lie on top of me. But as I sad, even that didn't necessarily help me be present for long (a few seconds if that) - I was only aware I was having flashbacks because I found myself thinking 'what is my dog doing here - he doesn't belong as I didn't have a dog then'. It's hard to explain, but my flashbacks are incredibly subtle - and short - literally a second or two - and back and forth.
The transition from the now to the past and back feels almost seamless. The only real clue is when I am aware of my thinking 'but this doesn't belong here' and I feel confused before realising 'it was just a flashback'. It's like one second I'm 'here' then I'm 30 years ago, a few seconds later - I'm back to now, then back to the past. I might be driving along the road, get triggered, be back in the past and then wonder what I'm doing driving a car because 'kids don't drive'. Or I'll momentarily wonder where I am, this city doesn't look right - it doesn't belong in the past.
Thankfully, the 'confusion' does help me realise it is a flashback - or was one - because otherwise
it really, REALLY feels like some sort of magic trick or time travel - in the worst way possible - it's like I'm in a child like state where that sort of thing is absolutely possible and REAL.
WOW - typing this I realise - wow - I bet growing up I probably had flashbacks of things that happened all the time and this sensation of 'magic trick' was my explanation as to why things kept happening over and over (in the form of flashbacks). Far out - that is a huge breakthrough actually!!!!
@Pencil @Laura 2 @Jane.l
For me it's not necessarily the
length of the flashbacks, but the sheer
volume of them. Honestly I couldn't put a count on them on bad days - but if you imagine changing from the 'now' to the 'then' every few seconds without any real sense of why, repeatedly for half to an hour at a time, that's kinda what it's like.
My
triggers are almost endless - because my trauma was essentially most of my childhood (physical, emotional abuse and manipulation by my alcoholic / codeine addicted mother, and sexual abuse by a neighbour), the first 10 years of my life contain millions of triggers. Sometimes a smell, or memory - but others like the exact way the sun shines and creates different light conditions / shadows at different times of the year.
Nature is a huge trigger - the seasons, are especially triggering - anything that looks 'beautiful' (a sunrise, sunset, trees, flowers etc), triggers flashbacks and / or dissociation when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable. I think that's one reason why I cannot tolerate those exercises - they often involve focusing on what is around you quite intently - and I did that growing up, so it becomes a trigger in itself.
Why I get so triggered by those suggestions? Partly because it feels like being asked to put a bandaid on a major surgical wound - it feels incredibly invalidating. It's also about not feeling SAFE ENOUGH to 'relax' when I'm in an intense situation with others (like the therapy context!). And because I have two very vivid memories of being made to do these exercises as a child. I remember going to see someone with my mother, and my sister and I had to lie on the ground and listen to and do a relaxation exercise - imagine lying on a sandy beach, the warm sand and our bodies sinking into it; going through each part of our bodies and clenching and then relaxing them and becoming sleepy. If anything, it just helped me dissociate - which lead me to feeling even more unsafe. And then on another occasion, my mother did it to me at home. My heart is pounding typing this so I won't go into details - but I remember lying on the bed feeling very very tense and pretending to 'relax' so she'd think it was working. She left the room, but I felt so incredibly UNSAFE. I think I was dissociated - or having the type of panic attack I have sometimes now - where my mind shuts off and my body can it move.
I'm the opposite of 'wanting someone to hug me and hold me close' - because my mother was "loving" at times, I'm really afraid (terrified) of getting close to others in a way where I'd be able to have my needs met - she would 'emotionally rape' me - invaded my sense of self so much I really did not know where I ended and she began. She used and abused my trust and dependence on her - promising to 'kill anyone who hurt me with her bare hands" yet she was the most abusive of all. She made me love her and then hurt me when I wasn't able to meet HER needs.
My T making me a cup of coffee and making the phone calls the other day has left me feeling invaded and afraid. Yes, on one hand it feels comforting and my inner wee girl is skipping with happiness and AWE that 'wow - she might actually CARE' but it is overshadowed by the intense fear of 'what next'.
My main challenge in therapy IS the therapeutic relationship - trusting another human being and trying to allow them to 'care' or 'be kind' is the single most traumatic aspect for me in trauma therapy.
