Going back to the only home I’ve ever had

[Calm in the chaos]

If anyone’s read my diary, you might already be familiar. But, I grew up around a group who taught me what I am. It was externally important and Godly in nature.

To cut it short, I learnt to because a robot to them. Punishment with pain so I’d learn not to feel it. Godly acts and sacrifices, lots of punishment if I wasn’t loyal enough, or if my parts weren’t good at their jobs. You get the gist.

But I have a longing to go back there. Run, run and run and be free. I’d be a missing person, and I’d have to be careful. But I’d do it in a heartbeat, right now.

Has anyone else experienced this? Or know if it does ever stop… and what measures they put in place etc.

 

[Sideways]

It typically takes domestic violence victims about 7 attempts to leave their partner for good. On average, the first 6 times - they go back. Voluntarily.

What you’re experiencing is common with victims of prolonged interpersonal trauma. For a whole range of reasons.

Being honest with ourselves about why we left the first time can be helpful. It wasn’t just a particularly bad day - it had become unbearable. It had become unsurvivable.

To not go back means repeatedly staying put in a situation that is distressing and uncomfortable. Risking the unknown (which our brains hate!).

But, distressing and uncomfortable is better than unbearable and unsurvivable.

Long term, for me, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy was incredibly helpful. Even more so than DBT (although, they both gave me very useful skills in distress tolerance). I particularly liked ACT because it not only gave me a way of accepting and tolerating right now, it also gave me a structure to build my future around.