Déjà Vu / Flashback / Going Back In Time Feelings?

[NovemberStar]

I seem to be having all of these feelings rolled into one.

Things are really quite intense lately - I had the situation with my caseworker repeatedly failing to turn up / call as promised; her replacement didn't turn up for our second ever appointment (no phone call to cancel me, didn't get back to me for 2 hours). This triggered a pretty severe trauma response in me in which I was very nearly hospitalised last Friday. I saw my T and was very unsafe - I knew I could not keep myself safe if I walked out the doors. I cannot recall it ever being that strong - I was feeling so dissociated, having depersonalisation when I wasn't in a flashback, was dissociated and really did not feel I could predict my next response or action. In short - it was freaking awful.

But I'm also so very hypersensitive at the moment to ANYTHING - I've had a really strong reaction to my T showing she cared when I saw her and let her help me. Even the simple kind offer of her making me a hot drink while I waited in the waiting room while she made urgent phone calls and referrals for me to have intensive support over the weekend, has left me feeling unsafe - others expressing kindness like this really scares the crap out of me.

Since then, whenever I think about our last appointment, or I think about seeing her this week, or think of her, period, I'm triggered into a combination of flashbacks, déjà vu and this awful feeling that when I go see her this week I will be 'going back in time' and totally re-living the trauma at the heart if the flashbacks I'm having.

Does any if this make sense / can anyone relate???

I think the feeling of 'going back in time' is probably a fearful anticipation response .... The déjà vu I THINK is sort of like almost having a flashback but not quite - like I've felt these EXACT mix of feelings before (when I was in the traumatic situation) but it doesn't go all the way to a full blown flashback where I feel I really AM back there- yet.

(Ps - please no one suggest 'grounding' / relaxation etc cos those things themselves are a huge trigger for me - I'm coming to realise the 'relaxation' exercises I had to do as a child - with my abuser - might have a much bigger link to my reactions to those suggestions than I've realised :tdown:).

Definitely hard going at the moment due to all the fallout from the caseworkers - and it's the anniversary of my mother's sudden death (which I witnessed as a 10 year old) this coming Sunday :(.

 

[digger]

What do you usually do to create safety for yourself if you don't 'ground' - is it the word that you have an issue with, or suggestions that will achieve the effects of grounding?

What have you discussed with your therapist in the past for ways to make yourself feel safer - can you make a list and draw on some of that now?

Take yourself outside of you for a minute and read your post as though someone else had written it. How would you respond? What advice would you give?

Do you work? What do you draw on there to keep you focussed and present?

 

[Jane.l]

I do understand what you mean but my brain is all over the place this morning - will try a response that might make sense later.

Also have your problem with relaxation exercises and mindfulness etc etc

Sorry not very helpful just now but I do get it .

 

[NovemberStar]

@digger - it's the actions as well as the words / having it suggested. Combination of past trauma, and feeling completely invalidated - hard to explain - but it's very very unhelpful and I dissociate at the mere suggestion of those types of things. Reading about it triggers very bad anxiety and I shut down to protect myself. I suspect I do 'ground' in my own informal ways, but can't tolerate it being suggested, if that makes sense. My psych Dr believes I'm too traumatised still for that type of thing yet.

I think part of it is that it's often the PRESENT that has triggered me - so why the hell would I want to be grounded in the 'present'? Often I dissociate BECAUSE something in the 'now' is unsafe - It. makes no sense to me to 'want' to return to the 'now' when it's where I've been triggered?

Yes I work - work helps me better than anything else - except last Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday work was impossible - I wasn't safe to work (I'm a health professional). I do schedule a little work most days for the purpose of being 'in work mode' - in 'work mode' I feel in control - despite being on call and my day / night can be upheaved any moment, I feel in control because no matter what kind of call I get, or situation, I know what to do about it.

I don't know what I'd suggest it someone else - other than encourage them, support them, encourage them to talk to their T and keep working on setting up supports that work?

Also hoping someone can relate to the changing in feelings and states - from flashback to déjà vu quite quickly ...

@Jane.l thank you - it helps to not feel alone. I hope y can come back later and share some more.

 

[digger]

I am unable to cope with relaxation type exercises too. Being in a relaxed state makes me feel too vulnerable so it ends up just being a vicious circle type of thing a lot of the time!

I suspect I do 'ground' in my own informal ways, but can't tolerate it being suggested, if that makes sense.

It does make sense, and I suspect you do too - you were talking about interacting with your dog yesterday for example on another thread - it might help to reframe things a bit. Look at things that give you some comfort for example, or which give you a sense of control, rather than look on them as serving the purpose of bringing you back to 'now'.

I think part of it is that it's often the PRESENT that has triggered me - so why the hell would I want to be grounded in the 'present'? Often I dissociate BECAUSE something in the 'now' is unsafe - It. A es no sense to me to 'want' to return to the 'now' when it's where I've been triggered?

Aha, yes, I have been kind of working on this myself - again I am having to do a lot of reframing of it. It is something in the here and now that triggers me or feels unsafe, but in reality it is not that thing that is unsafe as such. It might be making me feel unsafe.... I'm not explaining well. I will try and find what I wrote about it. It might not help, but it might - I am by no means there with it myself yet but keep chipping away.

At my last session, I could not make myself stay in the room (mentally) at all, for the whole session, because something wasn't right, or safe, in the room. Actually the room and my T were just as safe as they always are, but my head was giving me the message that something 'now' was unsafe, when the real message should have been 'something now is reminding you that something in the past wasn't safe- it has no real bearing on whether now is safe or not'.

I think I should probably stop talking as I don't think I'm responding with what you're actually looking for from this thread though.

 

[digger]

These are the posts I talked about it a bit..
[DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/k-no-w-where-to-begin.37392/page-54#post-727107[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/k-no-w-where-to-begin.37392/page-54#post-727144[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/k-no-w-where-to-begin.37392/page-54#post-726667[/DLMURL]

 

[Pencil]

but it's very very unhelpful and I dissociate at the mere suggestion of those types of things. Reading about it triggers very bad anxiety and I shut down to protect myself. I suspect I do 'ground' in my own informal ways, but can't tolerate it being suggested, if that makes sense. My psych Dr believes I'm too traumatised still for that type of thing yet.

I don't distinguish easily between flashback and triggers and whatnot - but I totally relate to feeling threatened and panicky by the mere suggestion of grounding and coping skills etc. I seem to be able to keep myself safe by not doing anything consciously. So, no wise words - just wanted to let you know I know exactly what you're talking about, but don't know why :rolleyes:. I'm triggered by exactly the same things, as well.

 

[Laura 2]

Like @Jane.l , I'm not sure I can do much but burble today, but I have similar experiences. I also know, like @Pencil says, the abject feeling of panic/threat when anyone suggests 'coping skills', 'grounding', 'relaxation techniques' etc.

Thinking about it now, I think it's because these suggestions are so easy to make and usually come before they're walking out the door leaving me to it, as usual.

When all I want, as I think about it, is TO FEEL SAFE, for someone to care enough to just hold me - figuratively. When I'm in this space, the intellectualising of it all (like having to think about looking up and reading about relaxation or coping etc) is way, way beyond me.

But thinking some more about it all, maybe there are traumas that the brain simply cannot deal with alone...? Not saying I cannot heal, but that the PTSD industry has it all wrong. They try to deal with trauma aftermath as if there's a neat checklist (just look at DSM and NICE guidleines etc) which will fix everything.

see? I told you...I'm in full-on burble...

 

[Pencil]

No, Laura, it's not 'burbling' - whatever that may mean :).

Okay, let me try to explain what happens when someone goes 'coping skills' and ... blah blah:

they're walking out the door leaving me to it, as usual.

This is it. The major issue I had with the therapist I saw for a short time, was exactly that. She wrote me a letter to read during her long break, and it helped me ... BUT. There was one line, in which she tried to be helpful, but it went very wrong; the line was an injunction for me to be 'kind' to myself under certain circumstances - and I freaked. I'm usually kind to myself. The bloody problem is that I have provided myself with virtually all kindness I ever experienced. Part of an attachment f*ckup is that I have major difficulty bonding / attaching / relating on a certain level, and when I try to do that, don't send me back to myself for that is where I've been all my life. I can cope. I can ground. I can survive. I can ... many things, but only when I'm by myself. And the ability to emotionally isolate myself saved me, but has become my biggest challenge. Does this make sense?

Like @NovemberStar, I go haywire when I form an attachment with someone, and the slightest breeze throws me off a cliff. The slightest disappointment, the slightest little thing becomes a massive threat to my survival - or so it seems or feels. And yes, of course I will survive, but with a new wound. And no matter how much I tell myself that it is total bull - it is my absolute reality. 'Grounding myself' doesn't even make sense to me. The mere suggestion of 'coping skills' fills me with murderous intent - for I have 'coped' all my life, at a tremendous price. All the 'skills' just feel so behaviouristic and threatening.

I don't often talk about this on the forum as it comes across as dramatic in print - but just having written these words have raised my anxiety considerably.

The point is - at a certain level I feel desperately alone, abandoned, blah blah. I can only stay 'grounded' and I can only cope by ignoring it as best I can. The reality is that I need to attach to someone who can deal with this and not send me back to myself - until I have healed to the extent that I want to get back to myself, which is the aim of therapy (with attachment disorders), and the most natural thing in the world for healthy individuals. But I'm not healthy, I'm not whole.

I'm not trying to hijack your thread @NovemberStar - I'm trying to tell you that I think I know what you're dealing with.

 

[Laura 2]

Completely - all of your post: yes.

And these especially;

and when I try to do that, don't send me back to myself for that is where I've been all my life. I can cope. I can ground. I can survive. I can ... many things, but only when I'm by myself. And the ability to emotionally isolate myself saved me, but has become my biggest challenge. Does this make sense?

Yes, a million times yes. Because at those worst times, this is me doing my utmost to reach out, show you my vulnerabilities and trust you to help, to be there ....and you just tell me to keep on doing the things that are off-kilter, 'disordered', malformed 'coping' mechanisms...

The point is - at a certain level I feel desperately alone, abandoned, blah blah. I can only stay 'grounded' and I can only cope by ignoring it as best I can. The reality is that I need to attach to someone who can deal with this and not send me back to myself - until I have healed to the extent that I want to get back to myself,

Yes.

And I never thought I had an attachment disorder...

 

[Pencil]

And I never thought I had an attachment disorder...

:roflmao:

Yeah, I discovered the existence of the disorder two years ago.

Because at those worst times, this is me doing my utmost to reach out, show you my vulnerabilities and trust you to help, to be there ....and you just tell me to keep on doing the things that are off-kilter, 'disordered', malformed 'coping' mechanisms...

Exactly!![DOUBLEPOST=1403532116,1403532037][/DOUBLEPOST]

my caseworker repeatedly failing to turn up / call as promised; her replacement didn't turn up for our second ever appointment (no phone call to cancel me, didn't get back to me for 2 hours). This triggered a pretty severe trauma response

This type of thing also pushes me over the edge. Fire her! Report her first.

 

[Jane.l]

Sorry brain is mush - I will start again !