Sigh.. Boyfriends And Sexting

[BigBear]

He's hell and gone over the line. I can't tell you what to do about it. I understand the trouble with confrontation!

Bear

I'm sorry that my original post was offensive. Since I couldn't figure out how to make it appropriate, I just edited out the problem statements.

 

[mamachick]

Oberon-I can understand what you are saying about the abuse becoming expected. I agree there are circumstances where those expectations can attribute to relationship failure. However, even when it is expected, when it repeatedly does not happen, the person expecting the abuse begins to to realize this and eventually come to not expect abuse from this person. Of course there are other issues and circumstances that come into play. For example, the person who expects the abuse may(unconsciously) provoke the other into violence through verbal abuse or unacceptable behavior. The other person may end the relationship for their own mental health and the abused never comes to realize that this person is not abusive.

Women who have been abused by men, during childhood or adulthood, parent or partner, or even witness abuse by men, will often minimize other behavior in men that they would otherwise find unacceptable, and even compliment partner on not being abusive.

It is very common for women who have a strong history of abuse, when describing their non abusive partner, to state, "he is not abusive" when not even asked. ex;he drinks too much and calls off work, but he's not abusive.
Thats great that he does not physically abuse-he gets points for it-thats all I am saying. Because of abusive men, those who are not abusive are given points for not being physically abusive. Those who have been physically abused or exposed to a lot of physical abuse, may be more inclined to overlook other unhealthy behaviors such as addiction, infedilty, or laziness. This is how all men benefit from those who are abusive.

I did not explain very well in my previous comment, but nobody needs to agree with me. After working with abused women for ten years and participating in training with the national coalition against domestic violence, I sometimes take for granted the awareness that is developed as a result and fail to fully explain.

 

[mamachick]

yes, a big part of not confronting him has to do with my ptsd as it stems from extreme physical abuse from a previous relationship and witnessing a murder of a domestic violence victim. He would never hurt me, hit me, in fact i would be suprised if he ever yelled at me. I am feeling like i am the one that needs to work on things and its my fault he had to seek outside sexual attention. Ugh this sucks =(

Selena, I know that being abused and witnessing such violence does interfere with your ability to be confrontational when needed. From everything that you have said, he treats you well with the exception of these current events, he tells you how lucky he is to have you. Blaming yourself sounds like a way to excuse his behavior as he is good in other ways. This is not your fault. If he is not happy about something, it would be his responsibility to come to you and state what is making him so displeased, and it doesnt sound like he has done that.

I know the feeling of not being able to confront. For me it feels like "freezing" when I would attempt. Choking on the words, cant get them out, and ending up talking about something else. Yet in the long run it can be very damaging.
I also do not agree with other comments that are focused on "get him to.." bring it up. That does not work because we can not get anyone to do anything, and, it sounds like you still might have difficulty getting the truth out. However, writing a note of what you have discovered and letting him read it when you have time to discuss it immediately would not be unreasonable. That would allow for the spontaneous discussion to follow. I find this preferable to letting him know what you have discovered and then time elapsing before discussion because the latter gives the person time to come up with excuses, rebuttals, etc.

You have made a discovery and you are in control of the situation. I am glad that you are going to talk to a therapist about this as Im sure they can assist you in how you can approach this best as to what feels right for you. I do hope you do it soon as your physical and emotional health is most important for you and your baby right now, and avoiding only delays getting back to a more normal state. You need to feel good about yourself right now. Do not take responsibility for his behavior or blame yourself. Do not listen to those messages. Hugs

 

[Oberons Wife]

Brat,
I am fully aware and familiar with the radical feminist approach to domestic abuse that prevails through the Women's Refuge network. I chose to post as I would like to voice an Essentialist Feminist perspective as equally relevant. It is not a case of you needing to explain more fully.

 

[mamachick]

I know that I did not need to, but after reading I realized that I made that statement without explaining it and if an explaination helps even one, it is certainly worth the post. Thanks for your views as well. I am not familiar with Essential Feminist perspective, I think there is a book with that title. Is there anything that you would recomend reading on the topic? Guess I am somewhat of a chronic student.

 

[Selena5473]

Well, last night it finally all caught up to me and I just completely broke. I cried, it took me forever to tell him what was actually wrong. I didn't want to admit I went through his phone, but I did. He said he did it out of anger. Apparently when was out of town in October he found an SD card on my side of the closet, thinking it was the one he lost he plugged it into his computer. Turns out it was my ex's SD card that must have been packed into my things and fell out when I moved in with my current boyfriend in August. It had pictures of us, some of them quite explicit. I was so embarrassed. He said he felt bad afterward and he can never explain how sorry he is and that it will never happen again. He was upset with me for going through his phone, even after I told him it was just my curiousity. We made up, and he is acting normal and sweet last night and today. However, I feel like (pardon my language) absolute shit. I feel guilty, I feel awful for going through his phone and I have this burden on my shoulders that makes me feel like everything is my fault. My fault because I had possession of the SD card, and I should have went through my boxes and threw all of my old things from my previous relationship away. I wasn't trying to hide it, I didn't even know it existed...it wasn't mine. *Sigh, I hate this so much. He seems to be over it, but now I can't stop dwelling...I feel like I shouldn't have said anything at all.

 

[Marie E.]

I think if you never looked at his phone, than this issue would of never been dealt with. I know you feel like sh*t, but now I believe he should continue being more truthful to you instead of keeping his emotions in and than acting out.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Selena)))

I'm going to be direct...and just say some things I hope you'll consider looking at.

He cheated on you...but...now you're beating up on yourself for discovering it and calling him on it?

He cheated on YOU. There is NO excuse for that. None. Not because he's mad, or sad, or has a hangnail. ...and NOT because he found old pics of you that he should have asked you about. Did you run out and cheat on him when you found the pics of him? Would you have done that?

Is this person trustworthy? Because by his behavior, no.

Please tell your T. about this. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of or feel guilty about.

Don't should on yourself. Destroy those pics of you.

NOT your fault. Of COURSE HE'S over it. He's the one totally who cheated and now has the person he cheated on feeling bad FOR him.

Why was he going through your SD card? He can do that, but you going through his phone isn't ok?

You deserve so much better than this person.

I learned the hard way...it is far safer and healthier for me to only believe and act upon behaviors, and ignore words or what my brain tells me is the 'intent' behind their words...because the abuse in my past has me giving too much credit to the other person's intent and not enough accountability for their behavior.

Because 'intent' is something that is easy to lie about if the person isn't healthy, loving, or has our best interest in mind.

 

[Selena5473]

I keep trying to tell myself the same thing, my mind is a big mess. Sometimes I think it would be easier to not be in a relationship lol.

 

[Selena5473]

I have all these thoughts about how I should feel, and how the girl that was lost long ago would handle the situation. I'm just not as brave or as strong as I used to be before the incident(s). My bf told me last night that I shouldn't have waited so long to confront him, and that my dad had told him long ago I am very passive, and non-confrontational although he didn't think I had that much of a problem talking about things. I wish he could understand that until I learn to heal, and close the wounds of my past my ptsd will drive most decisions I make, including going through his phone. My insecurities and deep wounds will always drive me to believe everyone will hurt me, and I need to be on careful watch.

 

[BloomInWinter]

OMG so he's invoking your DAD's 'negative comments' about you? Yeah, he's a great manipulator. Watch out.

...so, it's YOUR fault for not confronting him? But...he found pics of YOU first. ...and he NEVER confronted you. So by that logic...he's the one who waited, no?

You don't need his understanding. You deserve his respect and acceptance. But you've got to give those things to yourself, too...

He has acted hurtfully. It is ok to feel hurt when someone has been hurtful. ...and it is ok to set boundries.

Please, don't 'should' on yourself about any of your feelings. They are all real, and ok.

As are you. Exactly as you are.

Did he take any responsibility at all in this?

 

[The Albatross]

He's scapegoating you. But, if he found the SD and took a look... then HE should have dialogued with you... not acted out.